Page 108 of Sinner

“Everyone has been accusing me of that lately. I wasn’t raised to be a liar, Dad.”

“You’re involved with the Blackwell Group?”

I laughed. “Apparently, you didn’t read the entire article. No one in the gaming world will ever hire me after the sack of shit reporter made up the story, especially Blackwell.”

“I knew you shouldn’t have moved to Chicago,” he barked.

“Why, because you knew the lies you said over the years would come out? Or were you afraid they wouldn’t?” I snapped out the words before I had a chance to think about what I was sayingor doing. I closed my eyes, leaning back against the sofa. The feeling of regret was as painful as everything else.

He didn’t make a single sound for almost a full minute, the tick-tocking in my mind matching my rapid rate of pulse. “I guess I deserved that.”

“No, you didn’t. I’m sorry. It’s been a difficult week. Taking it out on you isn’t fair. But I need to know the entire story regarding what happened with Xander.” I chewed on my inner cheek, trying to remember all the things I’d wanted to say to him. Sadly, most were venomous words that I would ultimately end up regretting. He was my only real family after all. I had a couple of cousins, and an aunt I rarely talked to living somewhere in California, but my dad had effectively shut her down after her nasty behavior toward him concerning my mother’s death.

We were a fucked-up little family.

“Don’t be fooled by Xander, Jess.” The stark, cold voice he’d used the few times he’d talked about the man had returned.

“Why, Daddy? Because he’ll be a bad influence on me like he was with Shanna? Only I remember the way she talked about him and about how good he was to her. They were very happy together until they weren’t. Suddenly, Xander disappeared. You insisted he simply stopped calling her and visiting her in the hospital. That wasn’t true. Was it?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

I could hear clear regret in his tone. “Maybe I don’t, but you’re right, I was intent on ruining the man because of everything I’ve been told over the years, the anguish I witnessed in you, Dad. Sadly, someone has already beaten me to it. Why did you force him to leave Shanna, Dad? Why? Was he not good enoughto spend time with your dying daughter? Did he treat her with disrespect? Did he not care about her? What was it? I really want to know because I’m starting to believe that everything I thought to be the truth is a big lie. Whatever the case, it’s controlled my life. I don’t know who I am any longer.”

I’d never lost my patience with my father, at least not in this way. I’d never challenged him on his beliefs about something. Now I knew I should have.

“That’s water under the bridge, but you need to stay away from him.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s dangerous.”

I was on a roll, but I couldn’t stop. “Does that mean that you’re also a dangerous man? You were certainly very close to him. Weren’t you? And it’s not water under the bridge, Dad, when he’s still hurting after all these years. Did you know that? Of course not, because you refused to talk to him.”

“I had my reasons. That’s all you need to understand.”

“Not fair. Had or have?” I couldn’t believe I was taking up for a man who less than a week prior I’d wanted to annihilate. It was crazy. But my instincts told me there was much more to the story. “What really happened, Dad? Yes, I’m applying for a position with the Blackwell Group, but because of some deceitful behavior, I doubt I’ll get the job. I’m a game developer. I’m good at what I do. I know you don’t like or appreciate how difficult the coding process is, the creativity needed to keep ahead of the competition. I chose this life for me. Me! All those years you were suffering from the loss of Mom and Shanna, I was leftalone. I had nothing else but games to play or I would have gone mad.”

His voice hitched again. “I’m so sorry, baby girl. I should have done better.”

“Don’t you think I was hurting too?” I knew he wouldn’t answer. The guilt and pain had changed both of us. “Either you can respect it or we’re going to grow further apart and that’s not what I want.”

Not in the least. I was exasperated, my head aching from the volume of information I was attempting to process.

“I’m proud of you, baby girl. I really am. You’re living your life the way you planned it,” he told me. “But I’m your father and I know what Xander is like. He’s not good for anyone.”

“Maybe not for you, but did you ever think he might be exactly what I need? No, I’m not saying I’m in love with him. Don’t get me wrong. Most of me can’t stand his arrogance and self-serving attitude, but he has another side, one that’s sweet and protective. Plus, he respected my skills. Yet I fucked it up because I was so busy seeking your vengeance along with mine that I became narrow-minded. I want the truth. Can you possibly give me that? It’s like we’ve been walking on eggshells since Mom died. Then when Shanna got sick, you disappeared from my life.”

“I didn’t mean for that to happen, Jess. I’m sorry.” I could hear the regret in his voice. It would seem it was going around.

The tension was horrible, jarring.

“I know, Dad. I feel it, but right now, that’s not going to matter. Please, just tell me the truth. Why did Xander leave? Did you beghim to walk away from Shanna and if so, did you ever stop and think about what doing so might do to her? She was devastated. I know because I was there at least for some of it. You weren’t. You didn’t see her tears. Did you?”

“No, I didn’t and it was because… I thought I was doing the right thing.”

This was the most I’d gotten out of my father since my sister had walked into the lake and hadn’t returned home. “What did you say to Xander to get him to leave? He’s a tough man, refusing to take no for an answer. That tells me how much he cared about you, respected you. And it seems you took advantage of it.”

“Perhaps I did.”

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