Page 109 of Sinner

The ache in my heart continued to grow. For the loss of my mother and sister and the loss of my father at the same time. “Then what did you do? I deserve after all this time to at least know the truth. It’s not going to change anything. Nothing will bring Shanna back. Nothing will bring the lost years back. But I need to know if my hate is misdirected. I mean, this is crazy. To think I was stupid enough to take on an empire like the Blackwell Group. I obviously had a screw loose.”

And in doing so, I’d found a part of me that still confused me. The darkness. The hunger. The feeling of finally knowing who and what I was. I laughed softly and dropped my head into my hand, the mixture of emotions keeping me on edge. Even the rush of adrenaline created a wave of heat that I couldn’t control.

“Are you certain you want to know the truth, Jessica?”

“Yes, I do.”

He laughed and the tone was entirely different than I was used to. “Xander was my best friend, someone who taught me that always following the straight path wasn’t just boring, it was life sucking. So I ventured out into a rather depraved world alongside Xander. I’m not going into detail about things we did other than they were and still are a direct challenge to the oath I took when I became a doctor. I embraced the need to change when I had the diploma in my hand, but God, I loved the time the two of us spent in the darkness, two men believing they could right wrongs and remain invincible. So much so I almost lost the best part of me, the need to heal. When I witnessed the intense love Shanna shared with him, something snapped inside of me. Something dark and evil that to this day I regret.”

I sucked in and held my breath.

“We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, Jess. Every one of us has a secret, a moment in time they’d like to keep locked away. I’m no different. You once called me your hero. Well, that’s not what I am. I’m no different than Xander. He asked for her hand in marriage even though he knew she only had a few months, maybe a year to live.”

Really? I’d never known this. “And?” I whispered.

“I asked him to leave her alone, but he refused.”

“Because he loved her.”

“Yes,” he moaned.

“What did you do to convince him?”

There was another twenty seconds of hesitation and my pulse increased. “I threatened him, Jessica. I told him one day I would kill him if he didn’t leave my daughter alone. I threatened to goto the police because I knew things about him, terrible things. He still refused. He didn’t care about his own life. Only about her.”

“How did you convince him, Dad? Please tell me.”

“I convinced him she didn’t want to see him any longer. It was easier to do than you think. I’m not proud of what I did and had I known how despondent Shanna was, I would have done everything in my power to make amends, but it was too late.”

I wasn’t nearly as gutted as I’d thought when learning the truth. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was a messy tale I’d simply needed to buy into without asking many questions. “I’m sorry, Dad. Xander isn’t a bad man. Has he done some bad things? Yes, but as you said, everyone has secrets. I love you, Daddy, but this is my life. I only hope you can find a way back to yours before the regrets outweigh the joys.”

CHAPTER 31

“When the past no longer illuminates the future, the spirit walks in darkness.”

—Alexis de Tocqueville

Xander

Regrets.

I wasn’t the kind of man to experience them. And guilt? The bastards I’d killed over the years had deserved their fate. I hadn’t lost a wink of sleep after sending them straight to hell. But now? All I could think about was how my proclivities had taken over my life.

And I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

Jessica had wormed her way into my brain more than anyone had in my life.

A full day had passed spent ignoring my desire, shoving aside a longing that had pushed me into my office bathroom to strokemy cock. In the middle of the goddamn afternoon. I had more control than that. At least usually.

I didn’t give a shit that the stocks were still tumbling or that Wilder had fielded a call from some overzealous detective following up on Dorn’s ridiculous accusations. I couldn’t give a shit that sales of Dark Nights had taken a dip. They’d return. They always did. People craved what only we could offer.

Dorn was a piece of shit, but at least he was laying low, remaining out of sight and I’d checked.

The darkness had become the most difficult addiction to curb. In my earlier years, the need to remain burrowed in the shadows had become an obsession. That had allowed me to avoid whatever harsh punishment was on the mind of my caretaker or one of his or her spawn. My comfort in the absence of light could be called a psychological disfunction.

There’d been a half dozen other labels attached to my file that had followed me like bad blood from home to home. I’d matured from the almost desperate need to vanish into the desire to use every situation devoid of light to my advantage.

Yet as with all acts performed by young men with no direction, I’d aspired to bigger and better things, including the enjoyment of being in the sunlight. The thought made me chuckle as I pressed my boot down on the accelerator.

---