Page 51 of Come Back to Me

Janie and I return and tend to cleaning up our coworker, our friend, in silence.

It’s not much, but we hope it will bring Emily and Jack some peace when they come back in for prayers after the Elladine Fire Department chaplain arrives.

CHAPTER 23

ANNIE

The warm September air and shining sun as I sit around the Donley’s patio fire pit with Emily, Trina, and Shayna makes me smile sadly. It’s like the world is trying to make up for the fact that a bright light left all our lives four days ago.

Today, we laid Teddy to rest. Emily opted for private services to prevent those in her and Teddy’s families who had shunned him in life from making themselves feel better after his death by coming to “pay respects.”

The Donleys graciously opened their home following the funeral for his loved ones to gather and celebrate his life.

It has been a day of tears, but also smiles and laughter as Teddy’s friends, fellow firefighters, and chosen family, remember him. We’ve talked of his charm, his energy, and his fun-loving approach to life that blessed everyone who knew him well. Teddy’s service, though small, was beautiful.

Word got out that Teddy and Sadie had been having an affair. And speculation put that fact front and center as to why Teddy felt he had to make the choice that he did. Sadiehas resigned from her position at First City ER without notice.

I’m worried about Jack as I watch him from across the Donley’s back yard. He’s spent the last three nights with me, but he’s so quiet and introspective, not willing—or maybe not able—to talk about how he’s feeling.

He stares forward, not engaging with Ben and Fitz as they sit together. It seems like they are trying to pull him in with conversation, but he’s just mostly looking off into the woods.

I refocus my attention on our circle of friends, trying to provide support to Emily.

“He left me a letter,” she says quietly, sipping her coffee.

We all remain silent, waiting to see if she’ll say anything else.

“Yesterday, Jack and I got notified that Teddy had left a letter for each of us in the motel room. They had been taken to the coroner with him, but Ben was able to get them back for us.”

She reaches down into her bag and pulls out an envelope and hands it to me.

I look up at her, questioning her with my eyes.

“I want you all to read it. You’re my closest friends. I’m gonna need you to understand where I’m coming from when I lose my shit as I cope with this.” She smiles sadly.

I nod and quietly unfold the letter.

Dear Ems,

I don’t know what to say about what I’ve done except that I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean any of those things I said in the texts to her. I have loved you since you came into my life,and I’ll love you as I’m leaving yours.

I messed up really badly this time. Again. I’ve spent so much of my life resenting this illness and the fact that I needed checks in place to make sure I stayed as well as possible. I stopped taking my meds about a month after we got married. I just wanted to feel “normal,” whatever that is. I convinced myself I didn’t need them. I was wrong. I know stopping them made me make impulsive choices I wouldn’t have otherwise. Once I had gone down that path, I couldn’t find my way out and started sinking into depression.

I’m not telling you that because I expect you to forgive me. I just want you to know that this was never about you, or even her. It was about my fucked-up brain and my fucked-up pride and me not wanting to take my meds and see my counselor.

I know that I’ve betrayed you twice now and there’s no coming back from that. Especially because this time you’re my wife. I can’t live with myself knowing all you’ve given up for loving me and how much this has hurt you. And I don’t want to live without you.

I’m just so tired, Em. Things feel so dark for me right now and I just can’t fight it anymore. I don’t have it in me.

Please don’t give up on love. I never deserved you but, if I can influence it at all from the other side, I’m going to spend eternity trying to send love your way.

I love you and am so sorry,

Teddy

PS - Please don’t let Jack blame himself for any of this. He’s going to think he should have known and there was no way he could have. Please make sure he knows that.

We pass the letter around, each of us reading it and being brought to tears at the obvious pain in it.

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