Page 18 of All of Me

“She’s beautiful,” Suzanne whispers, her eyes fixed on Ruby’s face. “You’ve done an amazing job with them, Callie. Truly.”

Hearing those words, spoken so earnestly, something inside me cracks wide open. For so long, I’ve carried the weight of being everything for my girls—mother, protector, provider. Before Owen, I always felt like I had to shoulder it all alone. In this moment, watching Suzanne hold Ruby with such love and care, I feel that weight lift. Maybe I will have the village it takes to help me raise my girls after all.

“Thank you,” I mutter, my voice thick.

Suzanne looks up at me, her expression resolute. “I mean it. You’re an incredible mom, and we’re so lucky to have you as part of this family.”

My chest tightens, and I blink to keep the tears at bay. I’ve always dreamed of having a family like this—a big, noisy, loving group of people who make you feel like you belong. Standing here with Suzanne holding Ruby with Sara clinging to my leg, I feel like I’ve found that.

Sara tugs on my leggings, looking up at me with wide eyes. “Ruby’s sweeping now,” she says, pointing at her sister.

I nod, brushing a hand over her curls. “She is sleeping, baby. Nana’s good at that, huh?”

Suzanne chuckles, adjusting Ruby in her arms. “Years of practice.”

The moment is interrupted by a loud crash from the kitchen, followed by a burst of laughter that echoes through the house. Ruby startles awake, her tiny face scrunching in confusion. Suzanne shakes her head, her irritation obvious. “Sounds like Sandra’s at it again.”

The sound of this family—chaotic and imperfect—is the kind of noise that doesn’t overwhelm. Instead, it fills the hollow spaces where loneliness and fear linger with connection and belonging.

“Come on,” Suzanne says, nodding toward the hallway. “Let’s go find a quiet spot for this little one to nap.”

“I’d like to feed her first,” I say, taking Sara’s hand before following Suzanne. I glance down at her, her wide eyes darting around the room trying to figure out how she fits into all of this. I know the feeling.

Suzanne’s presence makes me feel safe. She’s this unshakable pillar of support for her family. I’m not used to this kind of care, the kind that doesn’t come with conditions or expectations. It’s overwhelming in a healthy way. My own mother has been there for me but there’s always been a sense that I’m not doing something right in her presence. Being around Suzanne is nothing like that.

We enter the dining room, where Sharon is still folding napkins to the sound of dishes clinking and table banter. In the hallway outside the dining room, Vicki leans against the wall looking frazzled. Cameron tugs on her sleeve chattering about football as we pass. She meets my eye, lips curving into a knowing smile, unspoken acknowledgment that she understands.

“Escape mission?” she asks, nodding toward Ruby.

“Something like that,” I reply, returning her smile.

We follow Suzanne to a small guest room at the end of the hall.

“This should work,” she says, pushing the door open with her hip. The room inside is cozy, with a neatly made bed and a rocking chair tucked into the corner. “It’s quieter back here. You can feed her and lay her down for a bit if you want.”

“Thank you,” I whisper.

Suzanne smiles, her gaze softening as she carefully places Ruby in my arms. “Take your time, Callie. You’re doing an amazing job.”

The words hit me like a wave, and I have to blink again to keep the tears back. I sink into the rocking chair, cradling Ruby.

Suzanne crouches down to Sara’s level, her voice gentle. “How about you and I go see what the other kids are up to. You haven’t met Ainsley yet and I bet she has some dolls and would love to play with you.”

Sara glances at me, quiet and hesitant. After a moment, she nods and slips her hand into Suzanne’s. I mouth a silent thank you to the woman that has already helped me so much before they leave the room.

The sudden quiet wraps around me like a blanket. I sit there for a moment, just holding Ruby close and listening to the soft rhythm of her breathing. The chaos of the house feels far away now, replaced by this quick calm.

Ruby latches perfectly, her tiny hand resting on my chest as I stroke her soft curls. These moments—just the two of us—feel sacred, like little pockets of peace I can tuck away for when the world feels too loud. I glance down at her, marveling at the way her lashes brush her cheeks, and smile.

Breastfeeding has been much easier with Ruby than it was with Sara. I remember sleepless nights, tears of frustration, and the constant worry that I wasn’t enough for her. But Ruby? She mastered it effortlessly. It’s one of the few things that’s come easily in these past few weeks. I’m so grateful for it because I’m still struggling with sleepless nights and the constant demands of being a mom. I’m still struggling with insecurities fueled by my body not feeling like my own. I know it’s normal to feel like I’m juggling plates with two young kids, but I’m afraid this feeling of being “almost okay” will get stuck and won’t go away. I should feel happy, grateful for this life, but there’s a heaviness I can’t shake. There’s a nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me that I’m not enough.

Even though Ruby has done well with her feedings, every night is a fussy struggle and my body doesn’t feel like my own. Some nights, I lie awake and wonder if I’m failing them. Especially the long nights like the one I had just days ago when I couldn’t settle Ruby no matter what I did. I rocked her, walked around the house with her, did everything I could think of to soothe her. I’d even reached my breaking point and woke up Owen knowing he had to work early the next morning. I asked him to keep an eye on Sara while she slept so I could take Ruby for a drive just to settle her. Instead, he took Ruby from my arms and told me to go lay down, insisting he would stay up and rock her for a bit so I didn’t have to drive around aimlessly praying for the baby to fall asleep.

The man is a saint and I am a complete disaster.

A soft knock on the door pulls me from my thoughts. “Come in,” I call quietly, adjusting Ruby to shield her face.

Owen steps inside with Suzanne right behind him.

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