Page 63 of In Flight

His face twists weirdly but then composes itself almost immediately. “I know that. But I’m still working in Savannah for a few more weeks.”

“I know. But that seems to just...”

“Just what?”

“Drag things on.”

He takes a purposeful breath. It’s slightly ragged when he blows it out. “So that’s it? You want to call it quits? Right now?”

“No! I don’t want to call it quits. But I don’t... I’m having trouble seeing a future, and I’m not good at casual. I told you that before. I quickly get to the point where I need to commit or end it. It’s not good for my heart otherwise.” It’s strange because I assumed I’d already be in tears at this point, but I’m not. My eyes are desert dry. So is my throat.

So is my heart.

“I see.” He shifts from foot to foot, readjusting the weight of my bag’s strap on his shoulder. “And... trying to make this work is out of the question for you?”

“How would it work?” I ask hoarsely. “Seriously. For longer than a few months. Do you really want to do long-distance for the foreseeable future?”

He opens his mouth and closes it again without making a sound. He’s staring at me, but he doesn’t seem to really be seeing me.

“Isaac, I’m so sorry. I know maybe it seems like moving to Boston is a reasonable option for me, but I don’t want to do it. I can’t do it. I... can’t.”

He swallows visibly.

“And right now we’re still in the beginning stages. This is when we have to make smart choices about what’s best for us and our lives. If we string this along and get too deep, then... then...”

He makes a weird, breathy sound. Almost a laugh but one with absolutely no humor in it. “Right. Of course. Don’t want to get too deep.”

“Don’t make it sound like that. Please, Isaac. This has meant so much to me. You’ve meant so much. But I’m trying to be smart. For once.” I take a deep breath and let it out, my eyes fixed on the floor. “With my heart.”

He’s silent for a long time. Too long. When I glance up to check, he’s stiff and unyielding. Completely unrevealing.

“Isaac?” I prompt at last, his name no more than a breath on my lips.

“I understand. You’re being smart. I used to be smart too. I used to make good decisions.”

“You still—”

“No. I haven’t been. But I will now.” He gives himself a little shake like he’s waking himself up. “You’re entirely right. About everything. Stalling the inevitable will only make it harder. We should make the smart decision and get out of this thing now.”

I should be relieved, but I’m not. It feels like my chest is getting forced into a shape it should never be. “Don’t make it sound so heartless, Isaac. You’ve meant so much to me. I’ll never forget you.”

“I know.” He rubs his face with his free hand and then lets the strap of my bag slide off his shoulder. He hands it to me. “But a clean break is better. Let’s just get it done.”

I gulp, my head spinning and my heart hammering. “Get it done? You mean right now?”

“Yes.” He nods, leans forward abruptly and gives me a quick peck on the lips. “Thanks for everything. I hope the rest of your life is what you want it to be.” His voice might have cracked slightly on the final words, but things are happening too fast for me to tell. “Goodbye, River.”

I blink. My mouth falls open. “G-goodbye.”

Maybe it’s my fault. It almost certainly is. I’m the one that made this happen.

But it feels like a blow. Like I’ve been punched right in the gut.

Isaac nods once. Wraps his fingers around the handle of his rolling case. “Okay. We’ll part ways here. Take care of yourself.”

“Y-you too.”

There’s so much more to say. So many explanations and apologies and second thoughts and entire reversals that are all jumbled in my head, expanding until everything is pushing out against the inside of my skull.

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