Page 80 of Steps

Thursday night when everyone has gone to bed, Istay up scribbling ideas for a short story in my journal. My phone buzzes onthe nightstand. I feel a prick in my chest when I read Varen’s text.

Canwe go for a ride to your special place?

Reallywant to talk.

I don’t respond. Is he going to tell me that he’sno longer taking those pills only for me to find them again?

A light tap on my door startles me. I push up fromthe bed as Varen enters.

“Come on, Toya,” he says, features gloomy.

He has a strong hold on my heart that overpowerseverything else. I can’t tell him no anymore.

Sighing deeply, I hop off the bed, haul on jeans andt-shirt, and put my curls into a messy bun.

“All right,” I say, grabbing my shoes.

There’s an airplane taking flight as we pull up atthe fence in the dark and isolated field near the runway.

Varen shuts off the car. We sit in the shadowsstaring ahead. I stay quiet, giving him the chance to speak when he’s ready.

A minute or two goes by before he draws a shakybreath and begins. “It started after learning she was sick. I became angry witheverybody… with the world. I was thirteen and looking for answers. I justcouldn’t understand why that had to happen to her.”

He swallows hard and squeezes the steering wheelas he keeps talking. “When my mom died, it broke me. I never felt pain likethat, and I couldn’t rely on Dad or Alison when they were both going throughit. Everything just hurt too much. I wanted it to stop.”

Varen glances at me, eyes darkened in the shadows.“Finn was starting to experiment on shit. So after a year of battling with herloss, I knew he could get me something to numb the pain, even just for a while.When I’m on those pills, I don’t see my mom. Her memory isn’t haunting me. Ican close my eyes and not see her in my dreams. But then they’d wear off, andI’d feel everything again, except it’d hit harder than ever. So I added sex,pot, and alcohol to the mix.” He pauses to catch his breath. “I just wanted tostop hurting, Toya.”

“I’m sorry.” I glance down at my lap. “Can’timagine experiencing that kind of pain.”

Varen reaches for my hand. “But ever since meetingyou, I’ve been working on letting go of all that. It’s not so bad these days. Imean, I even found the strength to visit her grave after so long. Something Ihaven’t done since we buried her. I’m going to grief meetings. Iamtrying. It’s just slow getting there.”

Tracing his knuckles with my fingers, I look up athim and say softly, “I understand.”

He caresses the side of my face with his otherhand. “Part of me died with my mom five years ago. But you, Toya, you’rehelping me mend that part. You’re filling me with life again.” His eyesglisten. “I feel happy with you.”

“That’s…” My body warms from his words. “I meanthat much to you?”

“More than you could imagine.” He exhales deeply.“I’m not using you, babe.” He draws a ragged breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t tellyou about the pills. I won’t get anymore. I’ll try harder. Just don’t stopbelieving in me. I need your support on my journey.”

I feel as if I’m about to melt from the outpouringof affection. This has to be love.

“I’m right here with you.” Leaning over, I kisshim sweetly. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I know how difficult it isfor you to talk about your mom.”

He nods. “It’s getting easier with you.”

I graze his cheek. “What do you miss about her?”

Peering into my eyes, Varen draws a chilling breathbefore saying, “I miss her smile. Her stories. Her love for life. Her...” Hechokes up but clears his throat and pushes through. “I miss the way she loved,especially the way she loved us.”

I wipe his cheek as a tear breaks free.

We both become alert at the sound of an incomingplane. Varen opens the door and hurries to the fence.

Getting out, I remain by the hood of the car,giving him space. As the airplane comes in for a near-perfect landing, I watchhim shout along with the thunderous roar above us.

Varen looks drained afterward, staring ahead asthe plane sets down on the runway and decreases speed eventually.

Turning from the fence, he comes up to me at thecar and combs over his disheveled hair, huffing in relief.

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