Page 177 of Steps

“Of course. Think I was going to let another guytake my girl to prom? Fuck no.”

I giggle and turn to look at him. Light from theTV flickers on his handsome face. He seems so enthralled as he stares at me.

“I love you, Varen, and I’m so happy we’retogether. No matter what anyone says, I know what we have is real, and I’llfight for us always.”

He touches my face while leaning in for a sensualkiss. Afterward, he tells me, “I love you too.” Then he rolls over and opensthe drawer at the nightstand, taking out a small envelope.

Varen turns on the lamp, and we both straighten inthe bed. I see that he’s holding his mom’s letter.

“I want you to read it,” he says, handing it tome.

My heart flutters. “Um, are you sure?”

“Yeah,” he insists, smiling halfway. “It’s okay.I’m going to give it to Alison tomorrow.”

“Aw, Varen…” I caress his face and kiss himlightly on the forehead.

When I accept the letter containing his mom’sfinal words, Varen releases a deep exhale and leans back against the headboard.He appears nervous somewhat.

Lowering my eyes, I unfold the letter and beginreading it to myself.

V,

I want to start by saying I love you, and I hopeyou’ll forgive me for leaving. I see how angry you’ve become due to my illness,and it scares me that you’re pulling away from your family. But please don’tlet my passing lead you to a place you can’t come back from.

You’re a great kid, and I’m sorry I won’t bethere to see the incredible man I know you’ll become. But I leave with peace inmy heart. I’m confident you’ll continue to make me proud when the pain is nolonger severe, and you’re able to smile for me again.

So fly high, my sweet boy. I’ll always bewith you.

Forever and always,

Mom.

A tear runs down my face as I finish reading. Ispin to Varen and wrap my arms around him, sniffling on his shoulder. “Thankyou for sharing this with me. I could feel her love through her words.”

Varen squeezes my body. “I wish you two could’vemet. She would’ve really liked you.”

When we break apart, I ask him, “Why did herletter make you feel undeserving of me? Why didn’t you want to share it withyour sister and Daniel before?”

He combs his fingers through his hair. “Because…it made me feel like shit. I turned into the exact opposite of what sheexpected of me, Toya, and I felt ashamed. Didn’t want my dad and Ali to read itand be any more disappointed.”

“They’re not disappointed in you,” I tell him,touching his face. “They love you, Varen.”

His eyes wilt with sorrow. “Your diary affected melike that, too. Sometimes I worry I’m keeping you from living and doing all thethings you want to do. Like going to California this Fall.”

My stomach tenses. “Varen, Cali’s not even on mymind. I told you, it’s too far. I want to stay here.”

He sighs. “Still, you seemed so excited when youfirst told me about it. Too bad you didn’t get accepted.”

Guilt trickles over me. A lump forms in my throat.I look at my backpack and lower my eyes fast, hiding the truth. “If I wasaccepted, what then?”

“As much as I love you and don’t want us to beaway from each other, I’d convince you to go.”

My head flies up. “But… the distance.”

“I know. Still, I’d rather you be happy doing allthe things you want.”

“Iamhappy,” I whisper, “right here withyou.”

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