Page 140 of Steps

I reach across the table and squeeze her hand.“I’m right here for you.”

“I know.” She shrugs. “I wanted to talk to you,but you just seemed so down. Didn’t want to add to it.”

“No, it’s okay.” I lovingly jerk her hand. “I’myour friend first. Don’t worry about me, focus on your mom.”

An appreciative smile tugs at her lips. “Thanks,Toya.”

I smile in return. “Anytime.”

Alison comes home again that weekend. It’s thesecond in a row. She seems determined to spend Sunday afternoons with Varen.Even though she’s his sister, it’s oddly making me jealous. She gets to seehim, and I don’t.God, I miss him.

When she returns from seeing him, she comes downto the family room.

“What are you watching?” she asks, sitting besideme.

“A documentary on food.” I turn to her. “How washanging out with Varen?”

Alison frowns a bit. “Good.” As always, shedoesn’t say more.

I let out a harsh sigh and set my eyes back on theTV.

“What is it, Toya?” Her voice is firm. “I feellike you’ve wanted to say something for the past two weeks.”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe I’m looking for more than‘he’s good.’ You’re the only one who gets to see him, Alison.”

“Fine.” She throws up her hands. “You really wantto know how my brother’s doing?”

I turn off the TV and face her. “Yes, I reallywant to know.”

“He’s a wreck, Toya,” she blurts. My stomachplunges. “He’s partying every weekend. He has this weird, spacey look in hiseyes, so I’m guessing he’s on pills again. Oh, and guess what? He stopped goingto those grief meetings.”

What did I expect? Breaking his heart probablypushed him to that low place again.

My eyes water. “Why didn’t you tell me?” My voicesounds pitiful.

Alison angles her head and speaks in a softertone. “Maybe because… even though I’m terribly worried about my little brother,I also see the pain you’re in, and I don’t want to make it worse. I don’t wantyou to blame yourself, Toya.”

“But…” I sob. “Varen needs me.”

“No.” She touches my hand. “Varen needs to help himself.Dad was right, Toya. He used your relationship to escape his issues. Butthey’re still there because he never fully addressed them. He covered them withyour love, and now that he’s lost you, he’s resorting to what he knows best.”

I wobble my head while a river of tears run downmy face. “No, he—” I snivel. “He was doing better. He would talk to me. He wasbetter, Alison.”

“Listen to me.” She places her hands on myshoulders. “Varen has to heal without you. I know he loves you; I can see thatclearly now. But until he faces his pain, he’ll always go back to his badhabits when things get tough.”

“So, what? Are you saying we should let him carryon like that?” I can’t stop the tears from falling.

Alison gently wipes them away, but I notice hereyes have started to water. “I’m saying, only Varen can save himself.” Shepulls me in for a hug.

I sniffle on her shoulder, trying to push down theache. Easing back from her, I wipe my eyes and suppress the tears. “What abouthis online classes and work? Has he given up on those, too?”

A heavy sigh surges from her lips. “No. He needsthe money for his vices. But if he doesn’t get his shit together, work andschool will eventually suffer. We’ve seen this before.”

Slouching, I brush over my curls from off my forehead.“What about your dad? Maybe he’ll help.”

Alison glances at the stairs, a sad look on herface. “Dad’s not a fan of Varen right now. He’s pretty much over him constantlyscrewing up.”

“But there has to be something. I can’t just sitby and let Varen fall apart.”

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