Page 46 of Risks

His mom isn’t alive. It’s as if he’strying to say we still have a chance to work on things.

We remain with Mom until herpainkillers knock her out again. Daniel exits the room to handle the paperwork,and Alison and Varen go looking for food.

I sit in the chair at Mom’s bedside,chipping at my nails anxiously. At the flicker of her lids, my chest tightens, andI draw a nervous breath as her eyes open fully.

“Dan…left?” she croaks out, seemingsad that she’s stuck with only me again.

A bitter feeling seeps in, wideningthe wounds and overwhelming me. “No. He’s at the reception area. He’ll beback.”

She crumples her forehead. “Toya.It’s not what you’re thinking.”

“How could you possibly know whatI’m thinking?” I hit back harshly.

“Because I’ve seen that look.” Shemoves her hand on the bed like she’s hoping I’ll hold it.

I straighten from the chair instead andwander to the window. “He might leave you. That horrible lie is grounds fordivorce.” A terrible thought jolts me, and I glare at her. “Did you throwyourself down the stairs on purpose?”

“What?” Mom gasps, groaning rightafter. “Jesus, Toya. Of course not. I would never do that.”

“I don’t know what to expect fromyou anymore.”

She cringes at the statement, herfeatures twisting with anguish. “I’d never intentionally do something so awful.I’m sorry I made you think so little of me.”

Despite the immense hurt ricochetingwithin, my needy heart finds sincerity in her words and opens a sliver to letthem reach me.

“Mm…” Mom whimpers while trying toshift on the bed. “As for Dan, I won’t blame him for leaving me. I have to facethe consequences of my actions.”

That’s surprising to hear.

Maybe she has changed, and all thateffort towards mending our relationship was real.

Except she lied. For eighteen years,she made me believe Jesiah didn’t want me.

“How could you do that?” I edgecloser to the bed. “How could you lie to my father and me?”

Guilt fills her eyes. “Jesiah… Hetalked a lot about his dreams, and he wanted to make his parents proud. Iremember his eyes when I told him I was pregnant. It was regret. He knew a babywould change everything. He seemed pressured, telling me he would stay inBaltimore and attend community college instead of Ohio State. I…” Her breathhitches from a sudden pain. “Jesiah said he wanted you, but the look on hisface when I said I had an abortion…” She sniffs. “Brief, but it was there. Hewas relieved he didn’t have to change his plans.”

I slowly turn my head from side toside. “You shouldn’t have done that. You should have told him the truth. Whatabout Gran? Did she know?”

“No,” she sobs. “I told Momma thefather didn’t want it, but I lied about Jesiah’s identity so she wouldn’t golooking. I knew Momma would have revealed it to get back at me. It would havebeen one more thing for her to express her disappointment. But she wasn’t soperfect, was she? Sleeping with a married man.”

“Ugh!” I pivot and ruffle my curlsfuriously.

Dreadful silence engulfs the roomuntil Mom says in a close whisper, “I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t take back whatI did, but I am deeply sorry, Toya. For everything. I selfishly put you secondwhile dating assholes to fill the emptiness left by a father who abandoned me.And I caused you the same pain by lying to you about Jesiah.”

I turn around, discerning theembarrassment covering her face.

She sobs even more. “I was bitter.”

Realization strikes me like a lightningbolt, causing me to stagger back. “It wasn’t about Jesiah giving up his plans.”

“At first. But over time…” Shesqueezes her eyes shut. “I started to realize that I was jealous. Your fatherwanted you, and mine didn’t. The pain of that—”

“Is why you continued the lie,” Ifinish in a murmur.

Mom pries her lids open. “Toya,I’m—”

“Sorry?” I mock. “You’ve said that.It still fucking hurts.”

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