Page 73 of Risks

I carry my eyes back to hers. Theamount of remorse flowing within tugs at my defenses, urging me to lower them.

“I’m sorry I was so bad at showingit,” she adds, her voice breaking. “I’m so sorry I lied about your father andkept you from him. I’m so sorry I competed with you for my momma’s love andresented you because she treated you better. I’m sorry for all the awful shit Idid, Toya.” She wipes her face with the palm of her hand. “I don’t know whatelse to say. Please tell me what you need. I’ll do anything for you.”

Her vulnerability overwhelms me somuch I shoot up from the sofa, pacing back and forth.

I’m not used to my mom being that open.I’m not used to hearing her apologize so much.

“I don’t know,” I finally grind out,massaging my temples. “You lied to me my whole life. You…” I halt in place and levelmy gaze on her. “You kept breaking my heart, bit by bit. I would always let itgo and be there for you because you’re my mother, and I wanted you to be happy.But this…” I shake my head. “I’m not sure I can forgive you and move on thistime.”

Fresh tears flow like a river downher cheeks.

She rises from the armchair andsteps forward, changing her mind from touching me when I stagger back.

Visibly hurt, she sniffles and clearsher throat. “Um, what if we saw someone together?”

My eyes stretch wide, utterlysurprised. “You mean a therapist?”

She nods while touching her chest.“It might be good for us.”

“But you and Gran used to shit ontherapists. You said people should take their troubles to Jesus.”

“And look where that got us,” sherasps. “I was wrong, baby. Momma was wrong.” Her curls bounce on her shoulderswith the wobble of her head. “We needed to see someone back then. We wouldn’thave been so fucked up.” She takes a beat. “You know, Dan gave me the idea.It’s helped him deal with his wife’s death, and it seems to be helping Varen.”

I shift from one leg to the other asher words sink in. “Therapy…”

“Will you think about it?” sheimplores, risking stepping closer again.

This time I don’t move back. I lether touch my arm because I do miss my mom. As much as she hurt me, that innerchild still needs her.

“Please, baby. I know after what Idid, I have no right. But I hope you consider it.”

I delay for a minute or two beforetelling her softly, “I’ll think about it.”

She relaxes her shoulders, andblatant relief shines in her eyes.

“Thank you.” She leans in as if tohug me.

I back up, letting her hand fallfrom my arm. “I have to go. I drove Varen’s car, and we’re going to Finn’s fora barbecue.”

Her eyes wilt. “Oh, all right. Maybeyou could stop by tomorrow and have dinner with Dan and me?”

“I’m meeting Jesiah and hisgirlfriend.” Refusing to break at the sadness in her expression, I turn awayfrom her.

“Toya…”

“Have to go.” I hurry from theliving room and hasten out the door, crying as I run to Varen’s car. I let thetears fall for the entire drive back to the apartment.

Kenya meets us at Finn’s place notlong after our arrival. We haven’t had the chance to hang out since I’ve beenspending the break with my father, so I’m glad she didn’t refuse. I’m sure Finnwon’t mind either.

He has other friends over.Everyone’s chilling in the backyard in different groups here and there.

No parents.

“What’s up, guys?” Finn greets,stepping away from friends. His smile widens when Kenya moves to my side.“Hey.”

“Hey,” she replies and dips herhead, shifting awkwardly in the spot. Her reaction is odd.

Finn clears his throat. “Uh, we gotburgers and chicken on the grill. Beer over there.”

---