Page 162 of Roulette: The Madam

To Malaya,

My entire world. I love you deeply and I am going to spend the rest of my life reminding you of how sorry I am for breaking parts of you that should’ve never needed fixing. It’s no secret that I am sick. Yet, my sickness is no excuse for how I’ve failed so terribly at motherhood over the last two years. I’d failed the very first day I started following a man’s moral compass and forgetting that mine has never steered me in the wrong direction.

I pray we aren’t beyond repair. That would break my heart a hundred times over. You’re the consistent light I need in my life. So, if you can, one day, please forgive me for the neglect, the pain, the stress, the despair, and the months I’ve stripped away from your childhood. I’m sorry, baby.

You’re an angel and you don’t deserve that. Not from me. Not from anyone. I’ve decided it’s time to get better. Not only for me, but for you. For your future. I’ve checked myself into a rehabilitation program I’ve been considering for some timenow. I never had the guts to give it up. Not until I got a visit from your father’s girlfriend. Roulette.

You’ve told me so much about her and while I believe you, seeing her was so much different. It took another woman at my doorstep advocating for my daughter to see just how damaging this condition truly is. Not just to me but to you and to your father, too. He doesn’t deserve this either. I’ll be away for a while, but I have no doubt that Roulette will be everything you need in my absence, just as she has been.

When you see her, please tell her I am thinking of her. And, though I hardly know her, I love her. I love her for everything she is and will be to you and your father. You need her. He needs her. We need her. I must go now, but please never forget the good parts of me. They’re still here, Laya. And, I can’t wait to remind you. See you soon, baby girl.

Mommy

Israel

My love.You are a good man. A good father. A good person. I’m sorry for the turmoil I’ve caused. You’ve taken on our daughter full-time and I wouldn’t have it anyway. She doesn’t need to be with me. Not until I’m better. I’m only hurting her. Until I can truly say that I’m meant for her good, I will keep my distance. I need to get better.

The work starts with the physical aspect of this addiction, but the cause is the deeper concern. I’m working on my mind, my body, and my heart. They’re all in need of an alignment. Thank you for always being in my corner and trying to walk me off the ledge. I’m happy to report that I’m off.

My feet are planted on the ground and I’m ready to take the first step to recovery. The woman you have is a keeper. Invite me to the wedding. I’d love to be a part of the toast and tell them how I’ve never been read so well in my life. She’s fire. But, she’s ice. Thank you for sending her my way, and I don’t mean literally. Thank you. Take care of our sweet girl.

Yara

“Uh um.”

I cleared my throat.

“Sorry.”

My tears stained the paper.

“I messed up the– Sorry, Malaya.”

“There’s no need to be sorry,” she cried, wrapping her arms around me, again. “Thank you. Thank you. I don’t know what you said to her or if you slapped her like you did Haleigh’s mom, but it worked. Thank you. You saved my mother. Thank you.”

Like a newborn child, she wept. I rubbed my hand up and down her back. Slowly, she gathered herself. When she was able to stand on her own two feet and support her weight, she stood straight.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

“I didn’t mean to impose. That was all I wanted. I just needed to tell you thanks.”

“No need to thank me, babe. I’m just doing girl’s work.”

She was hesitant, still standing at my door with sad, crying eyes.

“What do you say we ask your father if you can stay? Girl’s night doesn’t sound like a bad idea. I could use the company.”

“Me too.” She sniffled. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you back, babe,” I admitted for the second time out loud.

I wasn’t sure when I’d grown a softer shell, but I wasn’t sure if I loved or hated it yet.

“I’m going to go ask my dad.”

Tell him to come inside, too. Let me remind him of why he killed platoons about me.

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