Page 153 of Roulette: The Madam

“All your stubbornness. All your pride. All your rules. All your restrictions. All your shopping. All your ideas. All your chaos. All your nonsense. I was made to handle that shit. I was made to handle you.

“I’ve got some rules of my own, too, Roulette. They are very simple. I want my woman unfriendly, untouchable, unapproachable, un-talk-to-able, unfuck-with-able. And, until you understand that shit, I will be unreachable.”

He stood from the seat where his body had been housed for some time. Hovering over me, he peered down at my naked body in disgust. A splinter was sent through my chest. Emotions made my eyes tingle and my heart beat with despair.

Israel’s hand rounded my neck. He lifted my chin with the butt of his gun. I swallowed back the sentiments that were burning me alive internally.

“I’d clear this whole fucking country if I had to, risking my return home to Malaya. That’s how much you mean to me.”

I felt my body breaking down each time he spoke. The vulnerability he sparked in us both was beyond my wildest imagination. I was open. Wide open. So was he.

“I love you, Roulette,” he choked. “Can’t you not see that shit?”

His words freed the well. Tears ran down my eyes as I stared back up at him, nodding my head.

“Yes,” I whimpered.

“Then what the fuck is it going to take for you to sit the fuck down and accept the fact that you’re here to stay? What I gotta do to make you understand that? Hm? What will it take?”

He launched the hammer with each syllable, bashing my heart without remorse. My chest caved from defeat.

“Talk to me, Princes–”

“You never asked.”

“What?”

“You never asked, Israel. You never asked me to be more. You never asked me to accept your lifestyle. You never asked me to accept your child. You never asked me to accept your baggage. You never asked me to spend more time. You never asked me to be your woman.

“You saw an opportunity and took it. And, then, you saw another one and took it, eventually condemning me to your standards and morals because you had fallen for me. Youignored all of my boundaries. You forced me into situations with little knowledge and very little time to adjust.

“And, then you expected me to bow down and accept whatever it is you decided we should be just becauseyousaid so. I am not an object, Israel. I am a person. I am a woman. I have feelings. I have boundaries. I have desires.”

“What is it that you desire, Roulette?”

“Not to be pushed into a corner, Israel. Not to be expected to read between the lines. To be eased into situations instead of tossed out on a limb.”

“What is it that you desire, Roulette? Tell me what you truly want and you can have it. I don’t care if it takes all of me to give it to you. Tell me what you want!”

“Roulette, I adore the time we spend together. You make my life so much more exhilarating. I know my life isn’t the ideal life you’ve made up in that pretty head of yours, but it’s worth it. I come with a fifteen year old daughter and an ex who is addicted to heroin.

“I’m no perfect man and I don’t live a perfect life, but somehow, I think you could make it feel as close to perfection as it gets. I want you in my world. Not as a friend. Not as a fucking buddy. Not as a fleeting presence. I want you and all your craziness in my world permanently. Will you be?”

I ended my statement with a face full of tears. Playing with dollhouses and creating families as a kid was never my thing. But, since Israel had come into my life, my days were full of dreams that included him and Malaya. I couldn’t see my future any differently. But, he never asked.

“If you want me to be yours, Israel, you have to ask me. The words have never left your mouth. I’ve waited and waited and waited. All I’ve ever heard is how I’m stuck with you. Falling into a relationship is not ideal for me.

“Not ideal for any woman if they’re honest enough. We want to see or hear or feel the words. We need concrete evidence so we’re not wondering when we celebrate anniversaries and other special occasions. We need to know these things. It’s in our nature.”

He remained silent, staring down at me. His eyes closed briefly and then reopened after a second. A sigh pushed from his lips. He used his free hand to dry my eyes.

“I hate seeing you cry. Stop that shit, Princess.”

I nodded as the river continued to flow. Using the back of my hand, I wiped away the tears he hadn’t caught.

“Had I asked, what would you have told me?”

“That I’m terribly afraid of one person having so much power over me. One snap of the finger and they can break everything I’ve worked to build. I would’ve told you that my last relationship failed miserably and I wished it hurt more but it didn’t. That leads me to believe I wasn’t made for love. And, love wasn’t made for me.”

---