Page 41 of Only Forever

I had to remember that Jason had known me most of my life, even if I hadn’t seen him for the past three years. It wasn’t easy hiding things from him when he knew me so well. But there was no way I was about to tell him about the letters I received, because that would inevitably lead to having to explain what the letters meant. And that was never going to happen.

I wracked my brain, trying to think of a believable excuse.

“I had a bad dream about—“ I stopped. I couldn’t bring myself to lie about dreaming about the death of my mother. I knew Jason would immediately believe me if I said that, but I felt shame for trying to use her death as an excuse. I lowered my head, fighting the tears welling up in my eyes.

Despite me not saying the words, Jason seemed to instantly understand what I was going to say. He reached down to cup my face, gently lifting my head up. The tears that were filling my eyes escaped, and streamed down my face. Jason’s roughened thumb was gentle as he stroked my cheek.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Jason’s voice was soft and caressing. The care and tenderness in his voice and his gentle expression broke something inside me. I shook my head, causing more tears to flow down my face. If only Jason knew the truth. If only he knew what I had done, he wouldn't be so gentle with me. He would be disgusted.

Jason sighed softly and pulled me into his arms, holding me close. He rested his head on top of mine, caressing my back in reassuring strokes. I let him hold me, tears silently falling down my face. I couldn’t seem to stop them from coming, and soon the silent tears turned into muffled sobs. I cried into Jason’s shoulders, feeling years of guilt and shame and anguish release inside me. My mother. I missed my mother desperately. For solong, it had just been the two of us. And then I had been so happy for her when she had met Keith. Only for it to end in tragedy. I wanted my mother back. I wanted to see her in the kitchen in the mornings, smiling at me as she got ready for work and asking me what I had planned for the day. Now she was gone and I was a shut-in, afraid of the world. Afraid of myself and what I was capable of.

Sobs wracked my body, and I felt like I would never stop crying. I cried for everything that was and everything that could have been. But mostly, I cried for my mother.

It seemed like ages had passed when the sobs finally quieted. I became intensely aware of how close Jason had me cradled, his arms wrapped around me. I lifted my head and my breath caught at the expression on his face. It wasn’t the concern and sadness I saw in his face that troubled me. It was the clear love in his eyes that I couldn’t deny.

I tried to step back to put some space between us, but his gentle arms were also iron-clad, and he didn’t allow me to move.

I cleared my throat, getting ready to to tell him I was fine and he could release me, but before I could say anything, his soft lips settled on mine. My mind was telling me that this wasn’t a good idea, that it would just complicate things, but my body didn’t want to listen. Couldn’t listen. I melted against him, my head tipping up to deepen the kiss. Deep emotions rushed through me. I had missed him so much, had needed him so much. Life without Jason had been unbearable. It had felt like a part of me was physically missing. But now pure love filled my heart, a tenderness so aching it felt like it was going to burst.

My lips clung to his as his mouth gently caressed mine. This was more than a kiss of passion. It was a kiss of longing, of love long lost, of two souls that were incomplete without the other. I wrapped my arms around Jason’s neck, and he deepened the kiss, his tongue softly caressing mine.

My thoughts were lost in the heat of our kiss when he gently pulled away. My breathing was heavy as I looked up at him, surprised that he had broken the kiss. Jason leaned his forehead against mine, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. After a few beats, his opened his eyes and straightened, looking into my eyes.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he said, his gaze warm and tender. He lifted his hand to brush back the hair from my face. “I don’t want to scare you with how I feel. I don’t want to put any pressure on you or have any expectations. Let me just be here for you. That’s all I ask.”

I wanted to cry from the sweetness of his words. How could Jason still have feelings for me after all this time? What had I done to deserve someone like him in my life? It hadn’t certainly been with good deeds. He could never know what I was capable of, what I had done. I didn’t think I could survive his look of love and concern turn into disgust and fear.

But I couldn’t deny how badly I wanted his presence in my life. Being in his arms, I felt like I could breathe again for the first time in three years. I couldn’t push him away.

“Having you back in my life has been more than I ever could have asked for,” I admitted. “It’s been a balm for my soul.” I paused before continuing. “But life has been…” I trailed off, searching for the right term. “…difficult for me the past few years. I know you want to help but it’s hard for me to talk about it.”

Jason cupped my face with his hands, his thumb lightly caressing my cheek. “I understand. Everything is on your timeline. No demands from me, I promise. All I ask is that you don’t push me away. I want to be in your life.” He shook his head, correcting himself. “No, Ineedyou in my life. Everything is meaningless without you.”

He lowered his head, his mouth gently brushing against mine. “I need you, Daphne,” he whispered against my lips. “Please let me be here for you. Please let me in. I promise I’ll never leave you again.”

I wanted to sob at the sweetness of his words. I could never refuse Jason. I needed him, too. And I let him know by deepening the kiss, losing myself in the scent and touch of him.

Chapter Twenty-Two

We kissed for a long time, moving to the couch and making out like we were teenagers again. Jason didn’t try for anything more than kissing, and I was grateful for that. I wanted to take things slowly and figure out what was happening between us. Being in his arms, surrounded by his warmth, was enough for now.

After our make-out session, we cuddled on the couch. I buried myself in the crook of his arm, getting as close to him as physically possible. We sat in silence for a while, just content in each other’s company. It was broken by the sounds of my stomach growling.

Jason glanced down at me, grinning. “Sounds like somebody’s ready to be fed.”

I laughed, a little embarrassed. “I haven’t eaten much today.”

Jason tsked in disapproval. “I see I’m going to have to make sure you’re fed properly from now on. No more skipping meals.”

I didn’t want Jason leaving to pick up food, so I suggested just getting some pizza delivered. Jason agreed, and it didn’t take long for the food to arrive. Soon, we were digging into a large supreme pizza with cold glasses of beer. We didn’t talk about what we were now, relationship-wise, or how we were moving forward. We had an implicit agreement that none of that mattered. We were just living in the moment, and being together, at this moment, was enough.

I was reluctant to have Jason leave after we were done eating, but I didn’t feel like him spending the night would be a good idea. Not yet. As much as I had decided to let him back into my life, I didn’t want to become dependent on him. It would be too easy to use him as a crutch, especially since I was still scared about the sender of the letters. But I needed to stand on my own two feet and deal with whatever was happening.

The last thing Jason wanted to do was leave, but I convinced him that I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. He suggested that he sleep on the couch, but I told him that he should just come back tomorrow.

“Why don’t I come in the morning and we can have breakfast together?” he suggested. He frowned before continuing. “I forgot about your big deadline at work. I don’t want to get in the way of you getting your work done.”

I felt guilty about the lie I had told him to give myself space. “The project deadline got extended so I’m not in a crunch at work anymore.” I felt bad for lying about a lie, but I didn’t feel comfortable telling him the truth about having needed space. “Breakfast might be a little too early, but why don’t you come over for lunch and we can hang out the rest of the day.”

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