Page 88 of His Temptation
Before I get lost down another rabbit hole of thoughts, I go make a fresh pot of his favorite coffee and pour it into the coffee carafe. When I walk into the conference room, nobody is in there yet. I’m torn between feeling relieved and disappointed.
I want to see him, but I know I shouldn’t want to see him.
After placing the coffee carafe, fresh water, and clean mugs down on the table, I make my way back to my desk.
What I need to do is focus. I’ve learned that when you are ruminating, the fastest way to get over it is to keep bringing your attention back to the present moment. I need to do that.Whether I focus on my breathing or the task at hand, I have got to stop this cycle of repetitive thoughts before they take me under.
I manage to do that for the rest of the day. I’m exhausted from the effort it took to keep ignoring what my brain so desperately wanted to focus on. I’m so happy it’s Friday. I’m going to go home, rip off my bra, put on pajamas, and plop myself down in front of the television for the rest of the evening.
I told Ben he had to stay in tonight. He needs good sleep for his early game in the morning.
As fate would have it, just as I’m getting on the elevator, Lincoln appears. He stands at the threshold of the elevator, looking at me with a blank stare, regarding me with impassive coldness.
I stand in place as I wait for him to take a step to join me, but he backs away and turns around, leaving me shocked and alone.
Tears pool in my eyes as I look through my blurry vision and hit the button for the lobby. He won’t even ride on an elevator with me. I hate that I let myself fall in love with him. I gave my innocence and trust to someone who clearly has no ability to confront anything he deems uncomfortable.
The anger that begins to take residence in the pit of my stomach is far less painful than the feelings of guilt and regret. Instead of bringing myself to the present moment and not focusing on my anger, I grab onto it and hold on to it for dear life.
If this is what it takes to feel a moment of peace from the pain I have felt since I lost him, I will gladly put out the welcome mat for it.
34
KYLIE
I’ve been a nervous wreck this morning. I know I’m going to see him at the game. The number of times I’ve changed outfits is just embarrassing. For how many times I cursed his name last night, I’m not acting like a woman who is completely indifferent to his actions.
That was what I managed to convince myself of yesterday. That from here on out, I was not going to be bothered by anything the man said or did. Joke’s on me because that doesn’t work if you are still hopelessly in love with the person.
I don’t manage to eat any breakfast while Ben scarfs down the eggs, toast, and fruit.
We walk into the gym of his school. Everything else fades away as I watch Ben run over to his team. I take a seat on the top row of the bleachers and watch him. He’s a totally different person. The confidence he has now is incredible. My heart cracks in half as I see him talk to the guys. He doesn’t seem as enthusiastic or confident when he talks, but he’s making that effort. That aloneis such a gift. I just hope if our parents are looking down on us, they don’t hate me for failing Ben so many times over the years.
I should have found a way to make therapy work in our budget. It’s possible he could have avoided years of misery if I’d just found a way sooner.
Out of nowhere, my entire body breaks out into goosebumps. I divert my eyes to the door of the gymnasium, where Lincoln stands as he looks around the court. It’s frightening how in tune my body is to his presence. How can I react before I even know he’s here?
I watch him as he spots Ben, who’s by the team bench. He walks across the court with ease, like he belongs here more than I do. The moment Ben spots him, his entire face lights up brighter than it does on Christmas morning. They do some kind of handshake, like it’s something they do every time they see each other.
He tousles Ben’s hair with a smile on his face, then walks away, finding a seat in the first row of the bleachers. My heart is beating out of my chest as my eyes remain focused on his back.
He is the reason Ben is different. He is the male role model that my brother has so desperately needed and found. For that alone, I could never hate him.
Once the game starts, I’m on the edge of my seat the entire time. I can’t hold back the joy I feel as I watch my brother come alive. He may still have some work to do with his confidence when he talks, but he comes alive, playing basketball. He’s completely homed in on the game. It’s incredible to watch. My chest fills with pride that he has found something that he is clearly so good at.
I may not know much about what is happening, but I do know he’s one of the best out there. That much is clear.
When the game is over, Ben’s team coming out on top, I walk down the bleachers to the side of the court. He’s talking with his friends and laughing. When he spots me, he smiles and runs over to me.
“What did you think?” he asks enthusiastically.
“You were amazing! Where did you learn to play like that?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m not that good.”
His eyes look over my shoulder, and he waves a hand, motioning someone over. I know who it is, and I stand frozen in place as I wait.
Is he going to join us or refuse to come near me, like the elevator incident yesterday?
