Page 18 of For the Love of a Boy

“Sweetheart? Could you come with me over here a sec?” Malcolm wanted to get him out of the flow of traffic and somewhere a bit quieter.

Seth blinked several times, his gaze not landing anywhere for more than a second or two.

“Baby, come on.” Malcolm didn’t grab Seth, only laid a soft hand on his arm, but he started anyway.

“What?” Seth blinked again, then seemed to come back to the present. “I’m sorry. Where did you want to go?”

“Over here.”

Malcolm guided him to a darker corner, away from the crowd. He’d also decided to ignore the ‘sorry’ he’d uttered. He sensed whatever was going on with Seth wasn’t something that could be handled with levity. As soon as they were relatively alone, Malcolm observed Seth more closely. He concluded Seth wasn’t quite as agitated as he’d been when they’d entered the store.

“Can you talk to me about why being here is making you upset, sweetheart?”

“Um, yeah.” Seth worried the handle of the shopping bag. “I won’t say it’s dumb, even though it seems that way to me. I’m an adult. I understand the trauma part of what I go through. You’ve discussed those issues with me, and Dr. Clay brought them up as well. I can see how that won’t go away so easily. But this…” Seth stared at the floor as he shifted on his feet. He growled. “This is dumb. It wasn’t abuse. It was just me being a baby. I don’t know why I’m acting like this.”

Malcolm ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Seth. But I still don’t understand what you’re talking about. What’s dumb exactly?”

Seth raised his head but still wouldn’t face Malcolm. He gazed off to the side as if Malcolm might judge him harshly for what he was about to confess. “We never had any toys at Christmas, not really.” He let out a derisive snort as he shook his head. “See? Dumb. I’m twenty-three years old. Who cares?”

“It’s not dumb, sweetheart.” Malcolm inched closer to Seth, taking his hand but making sure the shopping bag hid them. He wanted to comfort Seth, but making him self-conscious would defeat his intent. “I imagine you went through a lot of sadness over that as a child. Those feelings, if never resolved, stick with you—even though you’re an adult now. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s completely understandable. Did you receive anything at Christmas? Or other occasions, like birthdays?”

Seth held on to Malcolm’s hand tighter. “We got things. Not much, but we’d still get presents. Primarily new clothes or shoes, but when we were younger, we got my father’s idea of toys. BB guns or tools. And I don’t mean those kid’s tool sets, you know, pretend stuff. No, he’d give us an actual wrench.”

Malcolm snorted a laugh before he could stop himself. “God, I’m sorry Seth. It’s not funny.”

The corner of Seth’s mouth quirked in a smile. “Yeah, it is. He was ridiculous.”

Malcolm cleared his throat then scrubbed his face with one hand to get a hold of himself. “Regardless of how ridiculous he is, your feelings are valid.”

Seth leaned against him, but just barely. The action seemed unconscious, but Malcolm took it to mean that he needed as much support from his Daddy as he could get.

“Thank you, Daddy. I think…” Seth furrowed his brow. “I think maybe that was when it began. You know, with him viewing me differently than my brothers. I was the one who would ask for stuffed animals or books or puzzles, while they were asking for the BB gun or a bow and arrow set.” Seth hitched a breath and he tipped his head back as if a sudden rush of emotion had hit him. “Gosh, this is crazy.”

He sniffed then faced Malcolm, a lone tear trailing down his cheek. “My mother had given me a teddy bear when I was really small. I can’t remember the occasion, maybe a birthday. It was my favorite possession and I carried it with me everywhere. The day…”

He hiccupped a sob then slapped a hand over his mouth, turning his back to the rest of the store. Malcolm placed a hand on Seth’s upper back, not caressing or patting, but remaining still in a gesture of support. Letting his boy know he was there, that he wasn’t alone.

Seth continued, “On the day my mother died, the very moment he came back from the hospital, he marched into my room and snatched the teddy bear out of my arms. I’d taken to cuddling with it a lot after my mother got sick.” Another tear fell. “I was so scared, especially after she went to the hospital. I loved her so much.”

Malcolm swallowed past the lump in his throat. He couldn’t fathom why people such as Seth’s father ever had children at all.

“I’m more sorry than I can express, baby. That was a horrific thing for him to do. I can’t imagine why he felt compelled to take the bear from you.”

Seth sighed. “I didn’t understand at the time either, of course. But now I’m sure it was related to him wanting to toughen me up, that having the bear wasn’t any different in his eyes than having a doll. Again, with me being the oldest, I had to set an example for my brothers. Boys don’t have stuffed animals. Boys don’t sleep with teddy bears.”

Malcolm wished he’d known about Seth’s childhood Christmas’ before he’d had the bright idea to go to a toy store. When he’d first brought up the holidays, Seth had only shown excitement, so he hadn’t thought to dig any deeper. Clearly, he’d been wrong. If he’d analyzed things better, he would’ve made a reasonable assumption that Christmas with Seth’s father hadn’t been peppermint drops and candy kisses.

“We don’t have to shop for these toys right now, and you don’t need to do it at all if you don’t want to. I can come back later on my own.”

Seth shook his head vehemently. “No. My first reaction when you told me about the toy drive was excitement. I thought, wow, I can pick out the toys I would’ve liked to have, and I can make sure another kid gets them.” The muscles in Seth’s jaw ticked. “My father can’t take anything away from me again. I won’t let him.”

Malcolm had to smile despite how much his chest hurt from Seth’s tale. “I’m incredibly proud of you right now, Seth. You’re so brave, have such a loving heart. Your father should be ashamed for not recognizing what a remarkable son he has.”

Seth’s eyes glimmered, his lip trembling as he finally held Malcolm’s gaze. “Had. I no longer consider him my father. I don’t accept anyone from that place as being my family anymore. That part of my life is over forever.”

“You’ll never be without love, sweetheart.” Malcolm brought Seth’s knuckles to his lips, kissing them before lowering their joined hands. “I’ll see to that.”

Seth’s features lightened and he regarded Malcolm with a wistful smile. “Thank you, Daddy.”

Malcolm squeezed his hand. “Are you ready to pick out some toys?”

“Yes, I’m ready. I really want to.”

“Okay then. Where should we start?”

Seth stepped out from behind the stack of shelves and glanced around the store. His gaze lighted on something and he pointed.

“There. The stuffed animal section.”

Malcolm pressed his hand to the small of Seth’s back. “Stuffed animals it is.”

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