Page 8 of In the Name of the Father

Their dinner arrived at that moment, and after Malcolm had split the food between them, they set about eating. His stomach had calmed somewhat, and he found he was hungry after all. Their conversation remained light, with Malcolm asking him what he enjoyed doing in his spare time. Then the conversation how turned to their shared love of hiking, and Malcolm had recommended some trails nearby if Seth wanted to get some activity in.

Seth wiped his fingers after finishing his last French fry then dropped the napkin on the plate. “I do love the outdoors. I like working out too, but all I have is a couple free weights I bought at a thrift store.”

He used his fork to pick at the pie. While he wanted to dig in, he yearned more to bring up some serious subjects that were plaguing him. Seth gazed around the area, checking over his shoulder to make sure no one was nearby then returned his attention to Malcolm.

“Does it ever bother you that you’re gay?”

Malcolm didn’t respond immediately, and Seth worried that he’d offended him. Malcolm stretched one arm across the top of the bench seat then rubbed the back of his neck with his other hand. After creasing his brow for a moment, he regarded Seth.

“The short answer is no. Was I confused and stressed out about it when I was a kid and first wondered if I was? Absolutely. But I wasn’t brought up the way I’m guessing you were. When I came out to my folks, it barely fazed my mom. It took my dad a bit to accept it, but he never treated me badly because I’m gay. The sense I got from him was more that he wasn’t sure how to act around me—as if he’d lost the ability to communicate with me as his son.” Malcolm chuckled. “But he told me he loved me, and it’s worked itself out over the years.”

“Oh.” Seth couldn’t imagine such a scenario. “What about…you know…” Seth shifted on the cushioned seat. “The part where gay men can’t love. That all they care about is sex?”

Malcolm locked gazes with him. “Are you gay?”

Seth straightened.What? “I don’t understand. You don’t think I’m telling the truth?”

“No, Seth. That’s not what I’m getting at.” Malcolm drew his eyebrows together. “Let me try this another way. Do you believe you’re capable of love?”

Seth’s chest tightened. “I do. I don’t just believe it, Iknowit.”

“That’s awesome.” Malcolm grinned. “I believe you are capable of love, too. And before you ask, so am I and every gay man I’ve ever met. Whatever, orwhoever, put that idea into your head was wrong. A person’s sexual orientation has nothing to do with their ability to love.”

Seth let out a long sigh. “I believe you, too. But don’t get mad when I say that it’s hard for me to feel that way right now.”

“Because you’ve been programmed to accept that the opposite is true?”

Seth cocked his head. “How did you know I was in the conversion therapy program?” He scraped at some cherry filling. “I guess I’m being too obvious. I want to change, I do. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hating myself, but I don’t know how to make myself stop. I mean, ifGoddoesn’t love me…” He swallowed down his emotions so that he wouldn’t cry in front of Malcolm.

“Fuck...” Malcolm’s voice had been soft, his tone one of shock.

Seth jerked up his head. He’d heard the bad word often enough at work and at the ratty motel where he lived—it wasn’t that. But somehow, during the moments he’d been getting to know Malcolm he’d placed him in a different category than those other people. He winced.

That’s not very nice.

Lots of people used that word. Like everything else his father and his church had taught him, profanity was only used by sinful people on the fast track to hell. At the rate he now heard swearing, it was a good bet that no one except his father and maybe five other people would make it to heaven. He snorted at his own joke. If only it was actually funny.

“Seth, I…” Malcolm leaned forward and lowered his voice. “I’m so very sorry, I really am. I can’t imagine how terrible that must’ve been for you. You strike me as being a very sincere young man who’s doing his best with the shit—sorry. I’ll try to use less colorful language, so I don’t upset you.” Malcolm placed his hand palm up on the table between them. “As I was saying, you’re doing the best you can with the rotten circumstances you grew up in. I’d like to be your friend if you’ll allow that. If I can find a way to help you, I will. You don’t have to face this alone.”

This time, Seth couldn’t hold back the tears. First one, then another slipped down his cheeks, and even if Malcolm was a stranger—not having to figure everything out by himself meant everything in that moment. He placed his hand in Malcolm’s. The contact thrilled yet frightened him. He couldn’t believe he was touching another gay man.

“T-thank you.” Seth sniffed. “I’ve been so confused now that I can’t pray to God anymore for help.”

Malcolm squeezed his fingers. “I won’t pretend I can give you advice in regards to your faith, but maybe I can find someone who can.” After one more squeeze, he released his hold. “Why don’t I get a box for the pies and we can get out of here? I have something else I’d like to discuss with you, though. I’m not comfortable taking you to the Cascade Inn then leaving you there.”

Seth furrowed his brow. He hadn’t been comfortable at that filthy placeever. But what else was he supposed to do? Sleeping in the streets would be so much worse.

“I know it’s a bad environment for me. But I can’t afford anything else right now.”

“And I completely understand that. Like I said, I can see that you’re doing the best you can and admire your strength and determination under such tough circumstances. However, I can’t in good conscience leave you there.” He chuckled. “I have to be honest with you—I’d never be able to sleep.” Malcolm paused as if searching for the right words. “As it turns out, I have a very good friend, Nate, who has a guest house he doesn’t use. He’s not gay, so you won’t have to worry about that part. I’m sure if I explained your situation, he’d be happy to let you stay there.”

Seth tensed. Everything was moving so fast.

“Oh, no. I couldn’t. I’d have to pay him if I stayed there. A righteous man never takes charity, he always takes care of himself and provides for his family.”What am I saying? “I mean, of course I don’t have a family like that, but I’d have to give him rent money.” Seth chewed on his lip. “And I’m not worried about whether he’s gay. I’msupposedto be learning how to be around gay men. Also…please don’t be mad. I know he’s your friend and everything, but he’s more of a stranger to me than you are. It would make me too nervous.”

I wonder if Malcolm would let me rent a room from him?

The thought of such a thing was frightening, much too daring and possibly dangerous. What if Malcolm tried to take liberties? But really, how much worse could it be than staying in a seedy motel where men wanted to give him money to do dirty things and where he heard gunshots almost every night? And Malcolm hadn’t suggested Seth stay at his house, so that must mean he was sincere about truly helping.

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