Page 74 of What are the Chances

“No, it just means you need to try again.”

My body tenses, my muscles tighten, the heavy weight returning to my chest, and suddenly, my body starts to ache. My eyes dart between Emily and Sam before landing on their hands. Sam’s fingers are woven through hers, his thumb rubbing back and forth across her skin. It’s the smallest of gestures, and my stomach twists, aching for a feeling I once had. I stand up, my patio chair sliding against the old red bricks beneath it.

“I don’t know, Sam. I think I need some air. I’ll talk to you both later.”

When I step into the house and quickly toss my jacket back on, I’m thankful to be away from Sam and Emily. Not because I don’t love being around them, but because they remind me of the life I could have, instead of the one where I find myself chasing after a memory.

***

Ten minutes later, I find myself walking through the door of the Irish Lily once again. I hesitate before crossing the room, my eyes roaming for the blonde American from earlier. I’m relieved when I don’t see her, but at the same time, my heart sinks. Charlotte isn’t behind the bar again. Instead, I spot Bern just as he emerges from the back office area. Noticing me right away, his face lights up.

“Well, if it ain’t the devil himself?” With the largest grin I’ve ever seen on his face, Bern reaches across the bar, grabbing my hand, giving it a firm shake. Despite the constant feeling of dread swimming in me, I conjure up a grin and return Bern’s shake.

“It’s me,” I manage to choke out.

“Are ya here visiting your family again?” He picks up his towel and begins wiping down the bar in front of me.

“No,” I say, clearing my throat. “I moved back, actually. I’m working down in Limerick, but I have a place right on the edge of town.”

Bern leans back, disbelief washing over him. Charlotte’s name rests at the tip of my tongue, begging to ask him about her.

“That’s wonderful,” he beams. His hand resumes wiping the counter, and I take the momentary lapse of silence as my opportunity.

“So, I heard you hired Charlotte.” I rest my hands in my lap, wringing my fingers together.

Bern hesitates, and I start to wonder just how much Charlotte has told him about me. Did she tell him how we broke up? Does she talk about me while at work?

“I did.” I can hear the subtle regret in his voice. “At first, I didn’t want to hire her, thought she was too good to be bartendin’ for a bunch of old coots like the ones who frequent here. But,”—he takes a deep breath and releases it—“I knew she really needed to find work, and it was only temporary until she found another job. Plus,” he says, lifting his hand, still gripping the towel and points to his chest, “I knew she was safe as long as she was with me.” He nods, assuring me he was indeed making sure Charlotte was safe.

I swallow past the lump in my throat, a small twinge of irrational jealousy working its way through me. Jealous Bern is able to do things for Charlotte I can’t. All because of the way we left things.

I nod, keeping my lips pressed into a thin line. I’m afraid if I open my mouth, I won’t be able to contain every emotion I have raging inside me. Bern turns around without a word, picking up a clean glass to fill it with fresh beer. He places it in front of me, but I slide it back across to him with my fingertips. I gently bite my tongue, forcing the words to come out.

“Thanks, Bern. But I’m okay.”

With just those few words, I slide off the barstool and walk out of the bar. When I make it to the sidewalk, I stand on the edge, unsure where to go. I can’t go back to my parents’ house, I don’t think I can take another second of being around Sam and Emily. No offense to them, but I simply don’t think my heart can take it. I don’t want to go home because I know I’ll likely climb under the sheets on my bed, wishing Charlotte was beside me instead of a million different pillows.

So, instead of doing all those things, I go to the one place I know I’ll be able to breathe, driving the forty minutes it takes to get to the Cliffs. Thankfully, the rain has stopped. My car is still covered with a thin sheet of moisture, but I ignore it, knowing the Cliffs will help, the same way they always have before.

My chest warms, realizing I haven’t been out here since I moved back home. As I make the drive down the road leading to the parking lot and step out of my car, my foot hitting the green grass, I already feel relieved. It’s as if the air is different here. The grass feels different beneath my feet, giving me the strength to keep moving.

The breeze blows against my jacket, and I dig my hands deeper into my black pants, pushing against the wind. I walk down to the edge, down to the same place Charlotte and I spread Noodge’s ashes. The sun begins to set behind the ocean, and I think back to that day, my cheeks warming, and a pressure builds behind my eyes.

It’s an amazing feeling to feel the love I have for this place, yet my heart aches. Everything aches. My vision blurs slightly, water pooling near the bottom of my eyes. I refuse to blink, knowing if I do, I won’t be able to stop.

I hold my breath, keeping the emotion there, tied into a complex knot at the center of my chest when I see a flickering of black and red in the corner of my eye. I break my eyes away from the ocean long enough to turn my head in the direction of the flowing black and red colors.

There, standing farther down the path, near the edge, is a woman wearing a black dress covered in cherries, one I’ve seen before.

My breath catches in my throat and my heart stops. Then slowly, I feel the knot begin to unravel.

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