Page 68 of What are the Chances

“No, wait,” I stop him. Picking up another shell, I toss it in front of me, following it until it lands among the hundreds of other shells and rocks. “I moved here because it was the complete opposite of home, of Ireland. The weather, the people.” A small chuckle rises from my chest. “Shit, it faces a completely different ocean.”

“Makes sense.”

“Yep.” I’m still studying the ocean lying in front of me when my shoulders sag, and my elbow slides off my knee. I nearly drop my phone, but catch it, quickly pressing it back to my ear. “I’m literally on the other side of the world.”

“Technically, I don’t think you are,” Sam retorts. “I think Japan or China would be considered the opposite side.”

I roll my eyes. “Whatever, Sam.”

“Listen, Mase. I was calling because I haven’t heard from you much since you left. Charlotte told me her side of things and why she ended it. I’m worried about you.”

“I don’t know, Sam,” I say, sarcastically. “How would you feel if the woman you love tells you she literally can’t be with you? That she’s better off without you? She made herself pretty clear on how she felt about me. I fucked everything up, Sam. Charlotte needed someone who chose her over everything else in their life. She needs someone who will choose her over and over again—no matter what.”

“And you don’t think you’re capable of being that man, Mason?”

“Are you kidding me?” Frustration burns in my gut, knowing I could never be the man she deserves. “Kyle showed up and two seconds later, I was beatin’ the shit out of him. Gobshite knew exactly what he was doing too. He knew he was pushing all the right buttons, knowing exactly what to say to set me off.” I shake my head and scoff, looking back down at the sand. “It’s tough because even though I hate Charlotte’s decision, she’s right to keep me away. I’m no good for her. Besides, I didn’t exactly give her the best version of myself when we first met. I stole her chair for the sake of utilizing the outlet to charge my phone.” I rub my forehead with my fingertips.

“Yeah, that’s pretty bad, I won’t argue with you on that one. I have to say that is probably one of the shittiest things I’ve ever heard. I mean, who does something like that?”

“Yeah,” I groan. “I know, I know. I was horrible, and I regret every second of it.”

“I’m just playing with you, Mase,” Sam laughs, but it does nothing to move the rock still hardened in my belly.

I sigh, realizing this conversation with Sam isn’t helping. The desire to hang up on him and toss my phone into the ocean rages inside me like nothing ever before. I feel hollow, empty—something I haven’t felt since I decided to leave Claire all those years ago. That feeling is the exact reason I came to California in the first place to start a new and different life, one completely different from the one I once had.

But something deep inside continues to beat against the hollow cage surrounding my heart. The feeling pulls and gnaws at the part of me that wanted to leave Ireland in the first place.

“See, brother,” Sam says. “That’s what I’m talking about.”

I allow myself to fall back onto the sand without a care. My back hits with a dull thud, and I squeeze my eyes shut. I’m still wearing my sunglasses, but I’m hoping if I close my eyes, I won’t be reminded of where I am, but instead, I find myself imagining Charlotte. I rest my hand on my stomach, my legs still bent, my toes still dipped into the sand.

“Sam, I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.”

“I know exactly what I’m talking about. I can’t even joke with you anymore, Mase. Well, actually I can, but it’s not the same as it was before. You’re different. Something’s changed.”

“I’m still the same person,” I disagree. “I’m still Mason McConnell, the Irish accountant who moved to L.A. to become an accountant.” My sarcasm pricks the tip of my tongue, remembering how Charlotte had teased me for the very same thing when we first met. Now, speaking it out loud, it sounds kind of ridiculous.

“You can be such an eegit sometimes,” Sam says, interrupting my thoughts. “Of course, you’re different. Look, Charlotte obviously saw something in you, something you haven’t allowed anyone else to see in God knows how long.”

I bite my tongue. His words could be considered offensive, but seeing how Sam is my brother, I understand what he means. So, I let him continue without rebuttal. I remove my sunglasses and set them beside my shoes before draping my arm across my face, covering my eyes.

“Mason,” Sam continues, “does California even feel like home anymore?”

“Well, it has been for the past however many years it’s been.”

“Let me rephrase that. After everything that’s happened since you met Charlotte, does California still feel like home?”

I pause, taking the time to process Sam’s question. Swallowing, I listen to the waves crashing against the shore, the water still not quite touching my feet. I’m still out here alone. I haven’t removed my arm or taken the time to notice whether anyone was around me, but I already know. I’m alone.

“The thing is,” Sam adds. “You’re the man Charlotte needs. You fecking beat the shit out of Kyle for her. You defended her when she needed someone to stick up for her. I’m not saying what you did was the right answer. Fuck if I know what the right answers are. I find myself still amazed Emily wants to marry me. But your reasons were completely valid, and Charlotte knows them. She was just too hurt at that moment to fully see it. She just needed time. I know you love her, Mason.”

“Seriously,” I groan. “I don’t think you understand how hurt she was, Sam.” Replacing my sunglasses, I sit up and stretch my legs out.” You didn’t see the way she looked at me on that plane. It literally gutted me, tore me apart from the inside out.” I clench my jaw, allowing the pressure of this conversation to get to me.

“Charlotte loves you, Mase. She loves you.”

“Sam,” I shake my head, still not convinced. I want to believe him. “I’m not so sure anymore. She made her choice, and there’s nothing I can do.”

“I’ve known her a long time, Mase, a lot longer than you have. And let me tell you, she never got angry with Kyle the way she did with you. She never spoke to Kyle the way she spoke to you. And she never looked at Kyle the way she looks at you.”

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