Page 48 of Back to Me

"What?” she asks firmly. Her eyes widen, and her jaw drops. "No, he didn't tell me." Her voice is laced with irritation as she arches one of her eyebrows.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I stare into the phone at Em, sending her as many apologies as I possibly can. "I guess there were so many things going on here. And not to use it as an excuse, but we live so far apart." I drag my words out, hoping it will somehow bring weight to them. With Em staring at me deadpanned, unamused with my excuses, I eventually give up and sigh in defeat. "Okay, I'm a shitty brother,” I murmur.

Tilting her head back in laughter, Em shakes her head. "You're ridiculous, but I forgive you. Tell me. I want to hear all about it."

Straightening her back, she listens intently for the next twenty minutes as Sara and I go over every detail of what we've worked on so far—everything from how I was offered the job to Sara’s invitation to collaborate with me. When we're finished, Em doesn't miss a beat before she fires her next question.

Nervously biting on the end of her thumbnail, Em asks, "Have you told Dad?"

“No,” I say, clearing my throat. Unable to face Em with my confession, my gaze moves past my phone and out to the park. Frustration from my earlier conversation with Sara comes flooding back, and remembering how my father is part of the reason for those feelings of failure and disappointment causes the frustration to rise back with an unwavering force. I haven’t spoken to my father since the night I abruptly ended our conversation and destroyed my phone into a dozen pieces. If I'm honest with myself, I haven’t given him much thought since then.

“You should tell him, Graham.” Em’s soft voice travels through the phone. She’s cautious, waiting for me to somehow compromise. Feeling the aching, dull burn of the long-held resentment toward him, I’m not sure I’ll be able to offer Em what she wishes. Too many years have passed where I’ve tried to make it work with my father, to somehow call a truce. But as another year passed with another round of disappointment, I finally surrendered and gave up.

“I can’t.”

Sara’s fingers squeeze the tense muscles of my knee, and the warmth of her palm is the only thing keeping my emotions at bay.

“Why not?” Em asks. Her brown eyes soften, pleading with me to reason with her.

“Because, Em.” I try to rein myself in, to keep myself from blowing up at one of the few people who truly matter to me. “I’ve told you for so many years, but you just don’t seem to get it.” I grit my teeth, feeling the surge of hot air pass through my nose with every heated breath.

“Dad and I don’t have the same relationship he does with you. No matter what I do, I’m a failure in his eyes. You’re the perfect one who married the military man. You’re the one who seems to do everything right.” I lean back, pointing the tip of my own finger to the center of my chest. The ache it brings against my body is nothing compared to the anger I feel just speaking about my dad. “I’m the one who is the fuck up. I’m the one who recklessly moved down to Dallas without a job and without a care in the world. So, I’m sorry, Em, if you feel like he deserves to know about this.” I stop, realizing how the casual, light conversation with my sister has suddenly turned into a one-sided, heated argument with myself. Because as always, my sister is the good one, silently and patiently listening without judgment. Despite my throat seizing up with emotion, I continue anyway.

“He doesn’t deserve to know because he wouldn’t care either way. He would ruin this for me, Em. He would take this amazing, beautiful, rare opportunity and crush it in the palms of his hands without any effort, dwindling it down to nothing but a senseless dream and a waste of time.”

“You don’t think I understand the relationship between you two?” Em asks. “Do you think I’m blind, Graham?” Without even realizing it, I’ve made my sister cry, and suddenly, I regret every word I’ve spoken. My shoulders fall, watching the tears spill from her eyes.

“I don’t think you’re blind, Em.”

“Is it so terrible for me to wish you had a better relationship?” she asks in a shaky voice. “The thing is, Graham, I love you, and I love him. I get it. I get why you feel the way you do, but regardless of the stupid things he’s said or done before, he’s our dad. He’s the only parent we have left. And I think despite how you think he would feel about it, he deserves to know his son has landed this incredible job.”

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I turn toward Sara whose gentle, green eyes bore into mine the moment I face her. She’s quiet, and I’m thankful to have her in my corner at this moment.

Silently, her lips form the words ‘I love you’ and quickly mouthing them back to her, I turn my attention back to Em.

Her leg is still propped up, her knee resting under her chin. From what I’m able to see, she isn’t crying anymore, but the way her mouth is turned down, I know what I’ve said is still affecting her.

“I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think I can tell him.” I pause, hoping my next statement will end this conversation. “At least not right now, anyway.”

“Fine. When is this exhibit? Maybe Cam and I will be able to fly out there for it.”

Relieved to have finally moved on from the catalyst I can’t seem to rid myself of, my pulse returns to normal, and my chest warms once again.

“It’s in about two months,” Sara tells Em.

“Oh, good. Plenty of time for Cam to request leave and for us to book a flight. I’ll talk to him about it when he gets home.”

“I would love it if you guys could make it out,” I say.

“Oh, please,” Em laughs. “How could I miss my brother and my best friend’s exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art? This is absolutely incredible, and I’m so proud of you both.”

“Thank you, Em. I love you.”

“I love you too,” she replies with a smile.

After we say goodbye, I tap the red button on the screen of my phone and drop it onto the table with a heavy thud. Every part of me feels heavy and on the verge of falling apart.

“Well.” Sara releases a heavy breath between her lips. “That was kind of intense. Are you okay?”

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