Page 83 of Gambler's Fallacy

I’m not used to being wanted, not like this.

“Do they know, too?” I ask Caleb, trying to keep the edge out of my voice. I don’t want to say any of this in front of Linda, but the words come out before I can stop them. “That I’m so messed up?” How many people has he told?

“All they know is that you sometimes get anxiety attacks,” Caleb says. “If you tell them you need a moment, or if you text to say you can’t make it, they’ll understand. All I ask is that youtry, all right?”

My mouth feels so dry. I don’t think I can keep working for Linda. Making the choice seems impossible, though. I don’t want to upset her and risk her laying into me again. “Will I still get to see Della and the others?” I ask, barely managing a mumble. “If I go with Georgie?”

“Of course!” Linda says. “You might even see more of them, with how often the queens need their costumes repaired and changed.”

I nod. “Okay.” I glance at Caleb, searching his expression for any indication of what I should do, but he doesn’t give anything away. It seems like such an impossible decision, but I make it anyway. “Georgie, then. If…” I have to swallow around the lump in my throat. “If she really wants me there. I know I’m not the best at sewing and stuff, but I can get better.”

“I’m sure you can manage to hold fabric and clean up as needed,” Linda says. She takes her phone and starts tapping. “I’ll let her know.”

Caleb squeezes my shoulder. “I’ll walk Seven to the costume department. Let me know if you need any other support, Linda. Once this week is over, things should calm down.”

Linda rolls her eyes. “And then I need to start securing and confirming all the holiday season shows. And I’m still dealing with the same entitled artists. Did I tell you, Chantarella wants an entire mini fridge stocked withfizzycoconut water for her show next month?”

Caleb’s mouth curls in disgust. “Fizzy coconut water? Does anyone even make that?”

“Some European brand does. Chantarella’s vocal cords demand only the best,” Linda says with a strange accent. I don’t recognize it, but Caleb snorts in amusement.

“All right, I won’t ask about the imported coconut soft drinks, then,” Caleb says. He squeezes my hand. “I’ll talk to you later, Linda.”

“Yep. Have fun today, Seven! And I really am sorry about everything,” Linda calls to us as we head out.

I want to say that it’s fine again, but it really isn’t okay, so I don’t. I nod back at her and cling to Caleb. “Can I start tomorrow?” I plead. “I don’t know if I’m ready to start today.”

I’m still so shaky, and I’m all too aware of the scratches up and down my arms. Covered or not, I know they’re there.

Caleb stops us in the middle of the hallway to look at me. “Will it actually be better tomorrow, Seven?”

I hesitate. I want to remind him that I nearly jumped off a balcony two days ago, that I deserve a few days of recovery, but I’m not actually sure it will be better today, tomorrow, or even any day soon. “I don’t know,” I admit, then sigh. “I guess I’ll go.”

Not like he’s really giving me much of a choice. I’d rather go upstairs and be fucked senseless, but I know he’s busy, and I’ve already taken up so much of his time that he’s going to start resenting me soon.

“I’ll pick you up for lunch,” Caleb promises. “I’ll invite Havoc and Vortex too.”

I know he’s trying to give me something to look forward to, but I’m not sure I can deal with everybody’s attention on me like that.

He leads me to the costuming department, where Georgie is working on tailoring a costume for somebody.

“Hey, Seven!” Georgie says with a smile. She’s a middle-aged black woman with short blue hair and bright makeup. She’s wearing a loose t-shirt and cargo shorts that make her figure androgynous. “Thanks for picking me! I’m sure the others will all be jealous.”

I blush. I wish I thought she meant it. I want to believe she does, and it’s a strange sensation.

I want to feel wanted.

I know that Caleb, Vortex, and Havoc do, but it’s different. They’re getting sex out of me. Someone like Georgie doesn’t have much reason to lie, though, because she won’t care about that.

“Thanks for having me,” I manage to get out, running a hand awkwardly through my long hair. I’d taken care with it, trying to look presentable for the conversation with Linda, and I’m sure I wrecked it. “I’ll work hard. I promise.”

“I know you will! Just tell me when you need a breather. I totally get you.” Georgie points to the back corner of the room, where a small screen creates a separate seating area. “You can always take a break there.”

“Can you pay attention and stop poking me with the pins?” the woman being fitted for the costume says. “I’d like to get through this with minimal blood loss.”

Georgie laughs. “Careful, or I’ll poke you even harder.” Then her attention goes to Caleb. “Hi, Boss. I’ll take good care of Seven.”

Caleb nods. “Thanks. But don’t gotooeasy on him. He still needs to get his work done.” He kisses my forehead. “I’m going back to the office now. Text me if you need anything.”

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