Page 81 of Gambler's Fallacy

Havoc sits down in the chair across from me and sighs. “I fucked up, okay? I’m really sorry. But I don’t think you’re stupid, or whatever. I’m just glad that you’re here now.” His cheeks flush and he takes a sip of his own drink.

I look down at mine, but my stomach is upset, and I don’t think Ican drink it even though I think the warmth of it might be comforting. I realize I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what they expect me to say. They’re trying so hard to make this better, and I should let them, but there’s an ugly part of me that wants to refuse andmake them hurtas much as I do.

Vortex’s fingers lightly ghost over my arm, right over one of the scratches, and I flinch but don’t pull away. “We never want to make you feel like you need to do this again.”

“That’s an order, pet,” Caleb adds. “Don’t do anything like this again. But if you want to, call us.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I whisper, staring down at Vortex’s hand and where I’d clawed at my skin. “When it hurts that much, I don’t… I don’t want help. I want it tostop.”

“So how do we help?” Havoc asks, leaning forward. “We want to protect you fromeverything, even if that’s the bad feelings. Even if we’re the cause of it.” He laughs. “I’ll even beat myself up, if you want to see me try that.”

I shake my head. “I want things to be like they are in the bedroom,” I say with a harsh laugh. Where I’m the center of their universe. Where they take care of me. Where things are familiar.

Where I feel almost,almost, cared about.

The three of them look between each other.

“How are they in the bedroom, Seven?” Vortex asks softly.

I don’t know how to put it in words in a way they’ll understand.

“I know what I’m supposed to be,” I say after a silence that drags on long enough to make me feel even more uncomfortable. “Everyone… Everyone has their role.” My shoulders slump, and this time Vortex’s arm does come up around me. “It’sfamiliar,” I whisper.

They’re silent for long enough that I know I’ve said the wrong thing.

“In the military,” Havoc says quietly, “I was a bad fit for it. You all know that. But I was really happy to be there, too, because I was away from the Step Asshole and every day was mostly the same, and therewere rules and for once, I didn’t have to worry about other shit. It was really freeing.”

I bite my lip. “It’s like that,” I tell him. “I know what to expect, I know what I’m supposed to do, I know what the rules are, and I know I do a really bad job of being better?—”

“Seven,” Vortex interrupts. “You don’t?—”

I glare at him and interrupt him right back. “Ido. You think I play blackjack too much, and I skipped work because I’m stupid, and maybe the rules are too hard.” I look pleadingly at Caleb.

“I don’t think you’re stupid for skipping work,” Caleb says. “I think you have a gambling addiction. Which is bad for you on other levels.” He strokes the back of my neck. “I think you should go back to work, Seven. I’ve talked with Linda, and she feels bad about how she snapped at you. But work will help with routine, too.”

“She scares me,” I admit quietly. “And she still hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you,” Vortex says with a quick shake of his head. “She didn’t understand.”

“And what did you tell her to make her understand?” I burst out, anger lacing my words. “That I’m that fucked up?”

Don’t use that language, baby.

“That you’re doing the best you can,” Vortex says. “That you have an addiction you’re working on but that helping her is good for you.” He exchanges a look with Caleb. “That she was wrong to confront you like that.”

“I let her know that if she has issues with your work performance, she should reach out to me and we can discuss them in a calmer environment,” Caleb says. “She wants to apologize, if you’ll let her.” He sighs. “Once this damn MMA event is over, things will calm down, too. Everybody is stressed—which isn’t an excuse to take it out on you, Seven, but it’s the cause.”

“Okay,” I say. “When she wasn’t scary, I liked the work. I liked being around Della and everyone. I’ll try again if she wants me to.”

I sag in my seat, and Vortex gently pulls me closer to himself.

I rest my head against his shoulder. “I’m tired,” I say quietly. “Can I go upstairs and sleep for a little while?”

“Yes,” Caleb answers. “I need to get back to work, but Havoc and Vortex will take you upstairs and keep you company.” He kisses me quickly. “I’ll see you tonight. Maybe the four of us can play a round of cards in the evening?”

I nod, but I’m so drained that it’s hard to think about what I’m going to do beyond sleep this off. “Okay.” I look at Havoc, and I tentatively offer one of my hands to him. He takes it and squeezes my fingers.

Caleb gets up and shuffles out of the booth. “I think we can be done with all the infighting now, right? We have more important things to worry about.”

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