Page 87 of Power Forward

Because how fucking lucky am I to have these two incredible kids.

“Is it bad?” Ryan asks, his voice hinted with worry when I haven’t said anything. “I can do it again.”

“No, no. Ry, this is beautiful too. He’s…” I swallow the lump of emotion in my throat and look at my son with glassy eyes. “He’s gonna really love this. I promise you. I love it.”

Ryan lets out a relieved sigh, then turns to his sister. “We better clean up ’cause he’ll be home soon.”

Home.

There was a time when I never thought I’d hear those words again in association with Hayden. The home we had together back in Boston was tainted by the actions of our past selves, but we’re both in a different place now. Not just geographically. We’re older. Matured. We’ve both been through things that have shaped us in ways we wouldn’t have otherwise expected. I’ve got kids who rely on me.

Rely onus.

Laura hasn’t been in their life as much since I told her to get out. We did talk things through a few days later, and I told her the surprise visits had to stop. I wanted to instill stability and structure into Isabela’s life, and having her mom turn up whenever she felt like it didn’t fit into that plan. She’s seen them twice in the last twelve months, and part of me worries that it’s because of how I flipped out on her.

But then I see how happy and healthy my kids are, and I know I’m doing my best and giving them everything I can.

And now they have Hayden too. Who I have to remind almost daily not to spoil them. That he doesn’t need to buy them a gift every time he leaves the house, and he doesn’t need to spend money to show his love.

But that’s just who he is. It’s his love language, and I love him for it.

He hasn’t had the surgery yet on either his knees or his hips, but I’m not forcing the issue either. I can understand his fears, even if I have to watch him struggle with pain. He ended up speaking with Ethan at Peyton’s New Year’s Eve party, and I think it settled some of his anxiety, but he’s still working up the courage. All I can do is be there for him. Support him and love him and distract him when his mind tries to take him down a different path.He has changed his medication though, and he’s no longer getting himself worked up about not being able to perform in the bedroom. He still has struggles sometimes, but he doesn’t beat himself up as much anymore.

I also met Roberta, too, during the off-season. I mentioned to Hayden that I wanted to have a session together so I could learn what I could do better, and after our joint session, she asked to see me alone. She let me know that there will be hard times, and depression isn’t something that’s fixed with medication or disappears overnight. But she told me that ifIever needed her, because sometimes the people who are closest don’t have an outlet for their thoughts, that she was there to support me too. Luckily, I’ve not needed to take her up on her offer, but I can’t deny it’s been hard sometimes. Watching the person you love struggle with a demon in themselves and no words you say or actions you do is enough.

But every day, I always tell him how much I love him, and I always show him with actions.

The kids’ heads snap up at the sound of the door opening, and then it’s chaos mode. Isabela throws herself off the chair and hightails it down the hallway, Ryan inches ahead. They crash into Hayden, wrapping him in a tight hug.

“Wow, hello,” he chuckles, dropping his bag to the floor so he can hug them back. “Did you miss me?”

“Yeah!” they reply.

“Well, I missed you too.” He lifts his head and looks at me. His lips quirk in a soft, loving smile. “Hi.”

“Hi.” I lean against the doorjamb to the living room. “Missed you.”

“Missed you too.” He stands up and ruffles Ryan’s and Isabela’s hair. “Daddy’s turn.”

I grin. The first time he called me daddy, he tried so hard not to laugh. We’re not into that, but we still find it amusing whenever he uses it.

I open my arms, and he steps into them. He smells like the cold winter air and his spiced aftershave. I take a deep inhale, then press a kiss to his cold lips.

“I’ve got a surprise for you.”

He nudges his glasses up his nose. “A surprise?”

“Yeah. Come see.”

He takes off his coat, and then I hold my hand out. The kids follow us into the living room, giggling excitedly. His shocked gasp makes me grin widely when his eyes land on the tank.

“You got me jellyfish?” he asks, spinning around to face me.

“Yeah, we did.” I give the kids a look, a silent sign to goand get their drawings. They disappear into the kitchen, returning moments later and standing at my sides.

“We have something we’d like to ask you,” I say, then reach out to take his hand. “Hayden, I was nineteen when I first met you, and a part of me knew the moment I locked eyes on you that you were the one I was supposed to be with. We made so many memories during our time in Boston, and I like to think of that as part one of our journey. But this? This is part two.”

The pinch between Hayden’s brows tells me he’s trying not to cry.

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