Page 76 of Power Forward

He frowns up at me. “Dad? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I, uh—” I clear my throat and give him a shaky smile. “Just had a message which upset me, that’s all.”

I try not to hide my emotions from my kids, especially when I’m upset and vulnerable. I want them to grow up knowing it’s okay to be upset and not to bury it down.

Ryan doesn’t say a word. He closes the distance between us and wraps his arms around my waist, pressing his head into my stomach.

“It’s okay to be sad, Dad,” he tells me, and fuck, does it hit me right in the heart.

Shielding my eyes with one hand, I wrap the other around his shoulders as I let out a choked sob.

“Daddy?” Isabela comes running in. She takes one look at us before barreling over to us, clinging onto my leg like a koala. I lean down to scoop her up, sitting her on the kitchen counter. She moves to stand up and wraps her arms around my neck. I hold on to her tight with one arm and Ryan with the other, and I cry.

I cry for the man that I loved fourteen years ago, and I cry for the man I love today. I wish I could make it all go away for him. The pain he experiences as a result of his injury. The self-sabotaging thoughts and the anxious spirals. I wish I could help take it all away for him so he can see how fucking special he is. How fucking loved he is.

“Where’s Hayden?” Ryan asks, resting his chin against me as he looks up.

“He…” I clear my throat. “He had to go back to California for an appointment.”

“Is he okay?”

Ryan’s question startles me. I don’t want to lie to my kids, and if things work out the way that I hope they do, they’ll be around Hayden when he has his low days. I don’t want to shield them in that sense because I believe it’s important to show kids that it’s okay to ask for help when they’re feeling down or to show their emotions when it gets too much. But I also don’t want them to worry about him because I will do enough of that for all of us.

“He’s going to be okay,” I tell him, smoothing my hand over his unruly blond hair. “Sometimes our minds can say mean things to us, and it gets us upset. Sometimes Hayden’s mind can upset him, and he’s gone to speak to someone who will help him.”

Isabela twirls the hair on the back of my head around her finger, head resting on my shoulder as Ryan seems to contemplate my words.

“There were some days that he seemed sad. It was like he was trying not to let it show, but when he thought we weren’t looking, he looked sad,” he explains, and then he manages to knock me speechless when he adds, “Hayden knows we love him, right? Me and Isabela.”

My eyes sting, filling with tears again. Ryan goes blurry, and when I don’t answer, the two of them squeeze me again in a hug. It takes me several long minutes to be able to stamp down the lump lodged in my throat and blink them into focus.

“He knows,” I whisper with a jerky nod. “And he loves you too.”

Hayden’s phone still isn’t connecting by the time I get to the practice facility. I confided in my mom over the phone after I dropped the kids off at school, and she tried to put me at ease by suggesting maybe he turned it off so he could get some sleep, but I don’t think it’s that.

Yeah, he would turn off his phone at night while he was with me, claiming he didn’t want our time to be interrupted, but there’s something in my gut telling me something happened.

And I don’t think I can carry on until I know what it is.

I stop by the kitchen lounge first, picking up a granola bar and bottle of Gatorade, then head into the locker room without saying a word. I sit in my cubby and try Hayden’s number again.

“Hey, you’ve reached Hayden Cassidy. Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now.”

FUCK!

I press the End Call button so hard my knuckle cracks. In all the time we’ve been together, I never got his address. It never came up in conversation, and it didn’t cross my mind to ask him. All I know is he lives in Hermosa Beach.

But there are people in this room who have contracts with him. He and Peyton used to be tight; maybe he’s got it noted somewhere.

“Hey, Blaine, do you have Hayden’s address?” I ask.

My teammate lifts his head to look at me, his handspoised midair as he tapes his stick. “Uh, no, I don’t think I do. It might be on my contract, but that’s somewhere in my apartment. I’d call Alex to check because he did all our wedding invites, but he’s at the bakery.” He turns to call out to his twin. “El, do you have Hayden’s address?”

“No.” Elliot shakes his head. “I know it’s somewhere near LA, like Malibu? I dunno. Sorry, man.”

“I thought it was Santa Monica?” Zach adds.

I can feel my blood pressure beginning to spike. These guys have been in his life for years, yet they don’t know where the fuck he lives?

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