Page 64 of Power Forward

“This is nice,” Jackson says sleepily, his fingers lazily drawing the shape of a heart on my back. “I could get used to this.”

“Mmm,” I hum because I’m unable to form actual words. I’m feeling spent and languid after our second round in twenty-four hours. The pleasant ache pulsating throughout my body is a reminder that it isn’t anywhere near as fit as it used to be. But I’m not complaining because it means I get to be next to Jackson.

His mom,Christie, came to pick up the kids and take them to schoolthis morningwhile Jackson headed off for an early practice.He got back a little over an hour ago, and as soon as he finished the brunch I prepared for him, we hopped in the shower together before ending up in his bed.We haven’t moved since.He’s got a game tonight, so the kids will stay at Christie’s house, and that means we have the house to ourselves until tomorrow. A whole night together. It’s like Christmas has come early.

It should be embarrassing how much I’m looking forward to waking up next to him. Although I haven’t told him justhowexcited I am to spend the night in his bed. I didn’t want to risk him thinking I don’t want his kids around, but I also haven’t wanted to admit that something fractures inside me every time I have to make the silent walk across the hall to the guest room at night.

I get why I have to do it. I really do. But it doesn’t make it sting any less.

We’ve been dancing around the subject of the old us for weeks now. Every time I’m about to bring it up, he changes the subject. And when I see that thoughtful expression pass over his face like he’s about to bring it up, I distract him with my mouth. But we need to talk about it. Even if it’s just for the old version of us to heal and not allow it to impact us as we grow into the new version of us.

Gathering up the courage, I suck in a steady breath and hope for the best.

“I guess we should talk about what happened between us before,” I begin.

As much as I want to stay nestled into the side of his warm body, I push myself up and sit back against the headboard. Jackson does the same, tugging the sheet up to cover our naked bodies.

“Yeah, I guess we should.”

My skin suddenly feels hot and tight. Fuck, I can do this. We’ve come so far, and this is what I’ve been working toward all this time. I need to own my mistakes and make sure he knows it’s not going to happen again.

“I wanna start off by saying nothing I’m going to say excuses what I did to you or my behavior. I regret it deeply,even now. If I could go back and change it, I would.” I instinctively start picking at the skin around my thumbnail as my heart rate begins to spike.

He places a hand on my thigh and gives it a reassuring squeeze. “I know.”

“I’m not gonna lie, I was a fucking disaster when you were traded. I felt like the rug had been ripped out from beneath my feet, and I didn’t know what to do.” I rub my face with my hands, then tip my head back and stare up at the white ceiling. “I got it into my head that when you’d get to LA and meet all these new people, you’d realize that I was a waste of space. That you would realize you’d be better off without me.”

There’s a moment of silence, and the sadness in Jackson’s voice when he speaks is like a stab to the heart. “What hurt was I kept telling you I was willing to do the long distance, Cas, but it was like you didn’t seem to hear me. Or you didn’t want to listen to what I had to say.”

I pick up my glasses from the bedside table and slip them on as I turn to face him. His brows are furrowed deep over his nose, the corner of his lips tipped in a frown. I smooth my thumb over the crease on his forehead, and his face relaxes under my touch.

“The voice that gets into my head wouldn’t let me hear you. I had spiraled so low at that point. You could’ve asked me to marry you, and I wouldn’t have believed you.”

“Do you think…” He swallows hard, seeming to contemplate his words carefully. “Do you think that’s when your depression started? When I was traded?”

I shake my head. “Roberta doesn’t believe so. She’s been my therapist for six years now. She said it stems from beforethat. Maybe even to my teen years and the pressure I was under from a young age. You know I didn’t have the most stable upbringing. I spent more time with billet families than my own, and I developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms along the way.”

Jackson takes hold of my hand and interlaces our fingers, resting them on his thigh. “I wish you would have talked to me about it. We could have figured it out together.”

“I know, but I was so scared of losing you, Jax. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I thought that if I ended things first, it would save me the heartbreak when you inevitably left me. Like if I hurt you, then you couldn’t hurt me.” I let out a strained noise. “I was such a fucking coward. God, I was so immature and such a fucking coward, and it took me a long time to come to terms with that.”

He gives my hand a squeeze. “Maybe. But maybe I was too. What would have happened if I didn’t give up so easily? If I had noticed the signs that you weren’t yourself instead of turning my back on you with my tail between my legs…” He trails off.

“You wouldn’t have had those incredible two kids,” I point out, giving him a small smile. “There’s so many things I wish I had done differently, but all I can do is make sure I do the right thing going forward. Maybe in some fucked-up way, this is how it was supposed to be for us. Right person, wrong time, and all that, you know? Except now you’ve got two awesome mini yous, and I’m in a lot better place than I was. But the thing is, Jax, I’m never gonna be perfect, and I’m never gonna be ‘fixed.’” I air quote with my fingers. “I’m gonna have bad days.”

“I don’t want to try and fix you, Cas. Plus, being perfect is overrated.”

I arch a brow. “I’ll remember that next time you have a tough game and you’re overly critical of yourself for not beingperfect.”

He huffs a laugh and rests his head back against the headboard. Those blue eyes are still locked on mine, his thumb skimming over my knuckles in a soothing caress. “I want to be here to help you. Through the ups and the downs. I know it’s going to be tough some days, so I don’t want you to hide your struggles from me.”

And that’s something I’m going to need to unlearn. I’ve spent so many years putting on a facade that everything is okay. Wearing a mask to shield how I was really feeling. But if we’re going to do this, I need to be open. From what’s going on in my mind to the extent of my pain. I’ve only had two people in my corner for the last six years. Zara and Roberta are the only ones who I’ve allowed to see the real, raw struggles, and it’s going to take wading through an ocean of anxiety to let Jackson in.

And hope that he doesn’t change his mind about me when he realizes how shit it can get.

“Will you always be honest with me if I get too much?” I ask in a whisper.

He sits up and raises his hand to cup the side of my face with his palm, his thumb tracing the shape of my lips. “You will never be too much, Hayden, but yeah, I’ll make sure I communicate better this time around.”

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