Page 43 of Power Forward

“I like the sound of that.”

“And I need you to talk to me. I know you lied to me earlier, telling me you were fine when you weren’t. I want to help you, Hayden. I want to be there to support you in every way, but it means you need to be honest with me. Please don’t hide your pain from me.”

He scrunches up his face in a grimace. “I’m sorry. It’s like a reflex.”

“Don’t be sorry, just be honest with me.” I drop my hands to his waist and massage my thumbs into the soft flesh above his hips. “Can I help you with anything now?” I lower my head, and my breath ghosts over his lips as I say quietly, “I have an amazing waterfall shower. Will heat help?”

He smirks. “Is that an invitation, Jax?”

“It can be.” I wink and press my lips to his in a fleeting kiss. “Stay the night. I’ve got a spare room. I’ll cook you breakfast in the morning as a thank-you.”

“Are you sure?” His brows pinch. “Will the kids mind?”

“Positive, and based on how comfortable they seem with you, they will want to see you too.” I take a step back and head into the hallway to pick up his duffel bag from the floor where he left it.

I wait at the bottom of the stairs for him to follow. I can see the hesitancy in his eyes, but they’re also full of want. I curve my hand around his waist and pull him closer. “So, how about it? Can I care for you?”

He answers by kissing me again and whispering, “Lead the way.”

It’s not long until we’re both naked in my en suite bathroom and stepping under the warm spray. My hands find his waist, thumbs tracing circles over his hip bones. I’m silent as I take the time to really look at him. Under the harsh bathroom lighting, his face is thinner than it was before. The hollows of his cheeks highlight his high cheekbones and square jaw. I’m assuming he’s lost thirty or forty pounds at least since he retired. There are fine lines around his eyes that don’t just speak of his age but hint that there’s a hiddenstory behind his slate-gray eyes. The silver strands around his temple blend into his dark blond hair, only catching in certain lights.

His hands land on my chest, smoothing over the hard muscle of my pectorals. His fingertips glide through the fine chest hair.

“You’re covered,” I whisper, referring to the tattoos that cover almost his entire body. “Will you tell me about them?”

He swallows hard, his eyes darting to a spot over my shoulder before focusing back on me. “I started to get them as a way to silence my brain when it got too much. A way to escape, I guess.”

I trace my fingers over one of the pieces on his ribs. The water from the shower causes the vibrant colors to pop. “You really like jellyfish, huh?”

He huffs out a small laugh. “Yeah.”

“What’s the story behind it?”

“About the jellyfish?”

“Yeah. What started this fascination with these weird sea jellies?”

He diverts his eyes again, and his expression morphs into something akin to shame. It takes everything in me not to grip his chin and return his gaze to me. It’s going to fucking hurt to hear about his struggles, but I need to remember not to push him or force him to tell me before he’s ready. He needs to tell me in his own time, and I need to show him that I’m a safe space and I’m here to support him in whatever way he needs.

“My therapist, Roberta, has some moon jellyfish in her office, and the first time I was there, I must have spent a good twenty minutes just staring at them. I was jealous thatthey had it so easy. Just spent their lives swimming around this tank without a care in the world. Then I learned they have no brain, and I was even more envious because they wouldn’t experience having their brain turn against them like I did.”

I swallow down the lump in my throat and blink away the tears that form in my eyes. There’s a deep-rooted ache in my chest, so visceral that I have to rub over it with my hand to remind myself that the giant chasm I’m feeling isn’t real.

“They became a reminder to me that I am stronger than what my mind tells me. They say one of the hardest parts of having depression is asking for help, and for me, as long as I continue to see those jellyfish, I know I’ve already overcome one of the toughest hurdles, and I can keep doing it.”

It’s not until Hayden raises his hand and wipes over my cheek that I realize I’m crying. His smile is gentle as he takes my face in both hands and my lips in another kiss.

We stand there under the warm spray for minutes, just like that, exchanging tender, slow kisses. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him close to me, needing to feel his heart beating against mine.

It breaks my heart knowing that there was a possibility I could’ve lost him. Sure, he wasn’t mine then and hasn’t been mine for a long time, but knowing there was a chance he could have been successful. That I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to hold him again, to smell him, to kiss him…

I choke out a sob into his mouth and rest my forehead against his, tightening my arms around him.

“I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so fucking gladyou’re here, Cas. I…” My voice cracks, and Hayden presses his mouth to mine again.

“I’m here, and I’ll be here until you tell me otherwise,” he whispers against my lips.

A few minutes pass by as we kiss, our hands roaming each other’s warm skin and tongues exploring each other’s mouths. I have to force myself to take a step back and pour some shower gel into my hands. I showered at the arena, so I can focus all my attention on this incredible man in front of me. I told him I wanted to take care of him, and that starts now.

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