Page 42 of Defensive Zone

She snorts. “Of course he would.”

“I…” I let out a shaky breath. My palms are beginning to sweat, so I wipe them down the front of my sweatpants. “I was hoping I could talk to you, and I need you to be honest with me.”

“Uh-oh, that sounds ominous.”

I laugh. “No, nothing like that. It’s just… When you broke up with me, you said we were on different paths. Did that have anything to do with Zach… and my very oblivious feelings for him?”

A heavy silence passes between us before a small sigh filters through the line. “Yes. I thought there was something there the first time I saw you in that bar in Oahu, because of the way he looked at you, and vice versa. Then there was the couple hitting on him and the jealousy pouring off you in waves, but I just put it down to the fact that you were on vacation, and you didn’t want someone else taking his time and attention. But then when he left Denver…” I hear the sadness in her voice. “Carter, you weremore devastated about him leaving than when I broke up with you.”

Squeezing my eyes shut, I run a hand down my face. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

The sadness that was in her tone is now replaced with amusement.

“And say what? ‘Hey, Carter, I think you might be bi or pan and be in love with your best friend, who, by the way, is totally head over heels in love with you?’”

“Well, yeah,” I reply, and we both laugh.

“I figured you were either in denial about your feelings for him, or you had no clue how you really felt, and I didn’t want to stand in the way of that when you finally came to the realization that you’re meant to be together. You two have such a special connection. I didn’t want to be a roadblock and stop you from exploring those feelings.”

Fuck, I was such a terrible boyfriend. And a terrible friend. The signs were there all along, and I was clueless. How could I get it so catastrophically wrong?

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I kinda knew what I was getting myself into. Maybe I was a little in denial myself, but I don’t blame you for anything. I want you to be happy, Carter, and I’m hoping the fact that you’ve called me today means you’ve come to acknowledge your feelings, perhaps?”

“Yeah, so… We’re kind of a thing now?” I say, but it comes out as a question.

She laughs. “Are you telling me, or asking me?”

“No, wearea thing now. We’re taking things slow. There’s a lot at stake, you know? He’s been my best friend for pretty much my whole life. I don’t want to risk jeopardizing that, but at the same time, I can’t see myself with anyone but him. We haven’t done anything except kiss, but holy shit, Raegan, the kissing isso good.” I grimace. “And now I’m nervous-rambling to my ex-girlfriend about how good it is to kiss the guy I’m dating.”

She bursts into laughter, and the tension I was feeling eases. I rub my hand over my face, trying to scrub away the smile. I’m glad there’s no hard feelings between us.

“Are you done?” she asks between fits of laughter.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Good, because I want you to know I’m so freaking happy for you. All along, I’ve been hoping one of you got his head out of his ass and realized you two are meant to be together. And Carter?”

“Yeah?”

“I might be your ex-girlfriend, but I’m still your friend, and it makes me so happy to hear the happiness in your voice, especially knowing Zach is the reason behind it.”

Oh, fuck. My eyes burn at her words. Who decided to cut onions around me?

I pick at the loose thread on my sweatpants. I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to talk to about this. Yeah, I’ve spoken to Zach about it, but it’s almost like we’re in our own bubble, blissfully blocking out the rest of the world while we navigate the grounds of our new relationship. But there’s something that’s been playing in my mind on repeat. Something that I don’t want to place on Zach’s shoulders since he’s recovering.

“The night he ended up in the hospital, seeing him lying there in that bed and then being told he had swelling on his brain…” I let out a shuddering breath as my vision begins to blur. “Fuck, I had to stay strong for him, but inside I was terrified he was going to be taken away from me. I was ready to make a deal with whatever higher power there is to take his place. To plead for him to be all right because there was no way on earth I was living without him, and it was like everything started making sense.Me being jealous. Me always putting him before girls. How I always need to be close to him, touching him in some way…”

There’s no malice in her voice when she asks, “Have you always found him attractive?”

“Always. He’s the hottest person I’ve ever known.” I wince. “Fuck, I’m sorry. That wasn’t cool of me.”

“It’s okay, I’m not offended.” She chuckles softly. “Sweetie, I think the series of events led you to have an epiphany. Sometimes it takes nearly losing someone, or the concept of losing someone, for you to acknowledge feelings that have been there all along. You don’t need to justify it to anyone. You’ve got to do what’s best for both of you, in your own time.”

“Thank you. You’re awesome, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know.” I can sense her smile through her words.

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