Page 27 of Defensive Zone

What the fuck have I done?

I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to break his heart, but it’s exactly what I’ve done. And I can’t help but think—have I made a colossal mistake?

Yes, you asshole.

The thing is, I don’t actually want him to leave in the morning. I just assumed that was the best way to protect my heart and protectus, when in reality, it’s done the polar opposite. I’ve probably blown up our friendship with my own selfish stupidity.

But maybe I can make this right. Maybe we can talk when I get home from the game later and we can have the conversation I wanted to have, rather than the one that went down.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Right?

Movement in my periphery catches my attention where I’m pedaling on the stationary bike, and I greet Jackson with a jerk of my chin as he gets on the bike next to mine. I pause my playlist and remove my earbuds.

“Hey.”

“Hey, you good?” he asks, starting at a steady pace.

I let out a long exhale and shake my head. “No, not really. Carter arrived earlier. I ended up telling him how I felt.”

“Oh, shit. I take it from that sigh that it didn’t go very well?”

“No, it couldn’t have gone worse.” I tilt my head to look at him, my brows pinched. “I yelled at him and told him it was best if he left.”

“You yelled at him?” Jackson’s eyes widen. A moment of silence passes as he simply blinks at me, jaw slack. “You? Yelled? As in raised your voice?”

I nod, grimacing.

“Holy shit. I didn’t think it was possible for you to raise your voice. Even Isabela calls you the quiet giant.”

I chuckle under my breath. His daughter is adorable. Whenever she sees me, she always wants a piggyback ride, and she often paints me pictures. But he’s right. It was so out of character for me to raise my voice like I did. Panic took over as my feelings came bursting through the flood gates at the sight of him, catching me off guard.

“I feel like shit about it. He was so… upset. I’ve never seen him like that before. Even when his ex-girlfriends broke up with him, I’ve never seen him as distraught as he was today.”

“I’m sorry, man.” Jackson’s smile is sympathetic. “Do you want him to leave?”

“No, I don’t, but he said he’d leave in the morning. I… I don’t know what to do to make it right.”

My confession is left lingering in the air as we pedal. A few of the other guys have come to do their warm-ups before we headout into the corridors to play soccer. My gaze bounces around to where Ethan’s jogging on the treadmill and Peyton hops on the machine next to him. Elliot’s on the floor doing his insane mobility stretches while Blaine does side lunges next to him.

“Are the kids okay?” I ask, unable to cope with the silence anymore but not wanting to talk about me.

“They’re good. They enjoyed spending time with their mom while she was in town, but Isabela is back to being clingy now that her mom’s gone.”

Jackson has told me all about how his ex-wife is a news journalist and received a promotion that would take her outside the US. Despite them being split up, he didn’t want her to turn it down, but between him being on the road and his ex-wife being away with work, he didn’t want the kids being left with a nanny either. So, they agreed he would move to Chicago with Ryan and Isabela and get help from his parents, who take care of them when he’s away to give them some stability, and she visits in between her work assignments.

From what he’s said, they now get along better than ever.

“That’s tough. Are they here tonight?”

“Yeah, but my mom will probably take them home before the second period since they have school tomorrow. Knowing Isabela, she’ll get so excited and worked up during warm-ups watching Elliot she’ll be asleep by the time the puck drops.”

I laugh, not surprised in the slightest.

Jackson chews on the inside of his lip in thought as we slow down to stop. “Could you talk to him tonight when you get back? Just be honest and explain things, see if you can work it out,” he suggests. “I know we’ve only known each other for a year, but I know how important this time you have together is for both of you.”

Hearing him echo my earlier thoughts brings me a sense of relief. Icanmake this right, even if it means having an uncomfortable conversation and laying my heart out.

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