Page 26 of Defensive Zone

“Are we going to be okay?” I hate the panic in my voice. It’s taking all of my strength not to cry right now. Not to throw myself at his feet and apologize for all the pain I’ve inadvertently put him through.

And I’m unprepared for the way my heart cracks when he shrugs.

“Maybe? Probably? I just need time, Carter. It sounds crazy because I’ve neverhadyou, but I have to mourn you. Let go of my feelings for you and move on, so I can be the friend you deserve.”

“You are the friend I deserve!” I bellow, raising my arms.

He shakes his head. “Friends are not secretly in love with their friends for nearly twenty years. I’ve loved you since I was ten years old, Carter. I thought I could stomp it down. Ignore it so we could carry on, but Ican’t.”His eyes become glassy with unshed tears. “I can’t do it, Carter. I still need time, so I think it’s best if you go.”

There’s a lump the size of a football lodged thick in my throat. I’m unable to breathe. The pain in my chest tears right through me.

I shake my head in denial, and he lets out a frustrated sound.

“Carter, please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

“What if I don’t want to go? You’re my best friend, Zach. We’ve spent all of our free time together for so long.”

Despite the anger burning in my veins, it’s not him I’m mad at.

He’s the most important person in my life. I can’t lose him.

“That’s the thing, Carter. Every time we’re together, my attention is solely focused on you. I couldn’t wait to spend time with you,but over the years, that time wasn’t just ours anymore. I had to share you with whichever woman you were dating, and I had to watch as you fell in love with them and then watch when they would break your heart. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to feel jealous. And all those women were nice people; they didn’t deserve the feelings I held toward them.” His voice cracks like glass shattering against a wall, and my heart splinters along with it. “If we’re gonna be able to go back to how we used to be, I need time.Alone.”

Fuck.Fuck.

How can I deny him that? How can I possibly fight him on this when I’ve been unconsciously causing him pain over and over again?

I’ll do it, because I would do anything for Zach. He’s my person. My favorite person. He always has been. Always will be.

But why does it feel like this is the end? That we’re almost saying goodbye?

I clear my throat and give a shaky nod. “Okay. I’ll… I’ll leave in the morning. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I should have told you how I felt before it got to this point, but I thought I could get over you.”

I don’t know why hearing those words feels like I’ve been sucker punched in the gut. But I’ll take it—repeatedly—as long as it means I won’t lose him.

Chapter Nine

Zach

This fucking sucks.

I don’t know what I was expecting to happen when I finally got the balls to tell Carter about how I was feeling, but it certainly wasn’t this.

And shouting at him, too? Fuck, that definitely wasn’t how I wanted to tell him either.

I didn’t want the moment I told him that I was in love with him to be in the midst of frustration and hurt, becausefuck. Seeing the pain on Carter’s face almost killed me. I don’t ever want to see that look cross his handsome face ever again.

In the few hours between him arriving and me needing to leave for the arena for tonight’s game, he became withdrawn. Gone was the laughing, smiling, happy-go-lucky guy I’ve known all my life, and in his place was a hollow shell who could barely look me in the eye.

For the first time in our lives, we were like strangers, awkwardly dancing around each other and making small talk.He sat as far away from me as possible on the couch and turned down my offer for food. Hell, when I asked if he wanted to come to the game tonight, he kept his gaze downcast and nodded with a quiet, “Yeah, okay.”

I don’t know why I was so surprised to see him on the other side of the door because healwayscame here after his season ended. I don’t know why I questioned it. He’s just been through the worst season of his career—why wouldn’the come here? Knowing Carter as well as I do, he’s probably hypersensitive and came to me seeking comfort, and I went and threw my feelings in his face like a weapon and told him to leave.

I’m the worst fucking friend.

The atmosphere between us was tense and so unfamiliar that I was too chickenshit to deal with it and ended up leaving a little earlier than normal. Putting it down to the snow and catching a ride with Elliot and whatever other weak-ass excuse I could come up with because I couldn’t stay there any longer. The guilt has been eating away at me ever since.

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