Page 66 of Off Season

I see everything about him.

Beneath his strength, there’s someone who feels too much and has nowhere to channel any of it.

Someone who fights every day to keep going, to find the beauty and the good things in life, even when his own has been less than stellar.

Clouds may threaten to dampen his shine, but he chases them away with his sun.

You could learn a thing or two from him.

I internally slap myself because my conscience is right. I’ve been harboring so much resentment for my father leaving and for my failed relationship with Ian that I’ve kept myself locked under a dark cloud of my own. I’ve blamed and punished myself, ultimately missing out on building a connection with someone because of how people have treated me in the past.

I’ve let them win.

But this trip has shown me that Jacob already has my heart. He’s chased away some of my clouds. All I need to do now is figure out how to bring down the barriers and let him in completely.

I have to.

“I’ve got you, baby,” I murmur into his hair.

I want to be mad at these damn birds for making him feel this way, but part of me knows how much Jacob loves this backyard and being here.

I’m about to pick him up and carry him inside when a flash of orange catches my eye. I see one of the little robins running across the grass toward us, then another one following shortly behind.

“J, look,” I whisper quietly into his ear, not wanting to startle the birds as they inch even closer.

He raises his head, and I hear the hitch in his breath when he spots them. They aren’t close enough to touch, but they seem to be peering up at him. Tilting their little heads in curiosity. Maybe it’s all in my head and I’m seeing what I need—what Jacob needs—to see, but when a fresh wave oftears stream down his cheeks, I know this time they are not from pain.

“They’re always with you, Jacob,” I repeat.

His teeth dig into his bottom lip as he hiccups. I wipe away the tears from his cheeks with my thumb, then wrap my arms around him again, bringing him to my chest.

“Why don’t you talk to them?” I suggest. “If they’re supposed to be loved ones who have passed, talk to them as if they’re here. Lean into the folklore; it might bring you some comfort.”

His brows furrow, looking at me like I’m out of my mind. When he remains silent, I start to speak to the two birds.

“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Lowry,” I say, eliciting a small, wet laugh from him. “I hope you’re enjoying the bird seed, especially since it was the most expensive bag they had in the store.”

Jacob wraps his arms around my waist and squeezes. The tears on his cheek seep through the fabric of my t-shirt.

“I just wanted to let you know that you would be so fucking proud of Jacob. I’m sorry for my language. I’m not sure whether you’re the parents or the grandparents, but I suppose it’s not good to swear in front of either.” I grin at Jacob, who’s looking at me with so much adoration in his eyes.

Please be patient with me.

Please don’t give up on me.

“He makes the best damn cakes in Chicago and has the most beautiful laugh, but do you want to know what my favorite thing about him is?” I keep my eyes locked on his as I speak. “Well, I’m going to tell you anyway because youcan’t talk—being birds and all—but it’s his heart. It’s so fucking pure. So good. He’s like sunshine. He’s always so bright, so positive, so fucking warm that all I want to do is bask in his light every chance I get.”

Another fat tear rolls down his cheek, and I quickly wipe it away with my thumb.

“You may not believe me, but you’re so brave, Jacob. To have gone through so much heartbreak in your life and still be able to put that beautiful smile on your face…” I cup his face with one hand, tracing the curve of his lips with my thumb, before I lean down and press a tender kiss to his lips. “It’s inspiring.”

Jacob holds on to me, his palm resting over my heart, before he nervously drags his top lip between his teeth. Looking over his shoulder at the two little birds pecking at the ground, he squeezes his eyes closed and takes a deep, shaky breath, then angles his body toward them.

“Hey, Mom, Dad. I just…I just wanted to let you know I really miss you. I think about you every day. Sometimes, it’s like I’m just waiting for you to walk through the door and tell me it was a misunderstanding and the police got it wrong. I…”

I press a kiss into his hair as more tears roll down his face.

I’m still here. I’ve got you.

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