Page 45 of Off Season

“Did you have any other family?”

“No,” I answer, shaking my head. “Both my parents were only children, so we had no aunts or uncles or cousins, and my mom’s parents were already gone.”

Ethan’s hand comes up to cup my face, his thumb wiping under my eye. Dark eyes gaze into mine, unwavering. “You have me, J. You’ll always have me.”

I give him a wobbly smile. My body trembles from the pain, from the emotion of saying all this out loud. I suck in ashaky breath and dip my chin to my chest, my fingers playing with the hem of his t-shirt. “I’m sorry.”

He frowns. “For what?”

“I’m usually much better at keeping myself together.”

Ethan shifts slightly underneath me. He places his finger beneath my chin and lifts my head, his face serious.

“Jacob, don’teverapologize for being upset. You can be yourself with me. Whether you want to laugh or cry, sit in silence, or talk about it, I’m here. Grieving isn’t something to be ashamed of. Grieving is a sign of love that has nowhere to go, and that is such a powerful thing. It’s abravething because you get up every morning even though your heart is broken. Healing doesn’t have a timer, J.” He wipes under my eyes again, catching the tears that continue to fall.

“I’m sure there were days where you were close to crumbling, and you didn’t give up. You went after your dreams, knowing the two people who were supposed to be there cheering for you were taken away far too soon. You were strong, not only for yourself but also for your brother. You’ve put everyone before yourself since you were a child, and Jacob? You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever had the honor of knowing.”

I feel my chest swelling, but this time it isn’t from pain. It’s from the kindness in his eyes. The gentle caress of his fingers against my cheek as he wipes away my tears.

“Does Alex know how you feel?”

I shake my head. “I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t his strong big brother.”

He gives me a sad smile. “J, he wouldn’t think any less of you. Your strength is admirable. To still see the glass half-full after experiencing so much heartbreak…” He shakes his head, a small smile on his lips. “I wish I had an ounce of your strength.”

“I wasn’t always strong. I had to learn. I knew that if I was strong for him, he’d be able to get through it, and when we lost our grandparents, he was months away from graduating. I couldn’t let him fall behind when he’d come so far.”

The death of our grandparents really hit Alex hard. We lost our grandma to leukemia within weeks of her being diagnosed, then only seven days later, our grandpa passed suddenly. The doctors couldn’t pinpoint what his cause of death was, just put it down to a broken heart after losing the love of his life. It happened so fast. Before I could fully process what was happening, I was planning my grandpa’s funeral too.

Alex was four months away from graduating college. He wanted to drop out to help me with the business and settle my grandparents’ affairs, but I wouldn’t let him.

I often wonder if it was cruel to make him stay at college, where he couldn’t properly grieve, but I couldn’t bear to see all his hard work go to waste when he only had a few months left to go.

“One thing that keeps me from spiraling is knowing my parents wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad. They would have wanted me to enjoy life, to be happy, to do spontaneous things that bring me joy. Like dancing in the rain or baking cookies at two in the morning. Losing four of the most important people in my life taught me that life is precious. It can be taken from you like that.” I click my fingers. “You only get one chance.”

Some days, I can breathe a little easier. I don’t feel so lost. But then everything comes crashing down, my heartbreaks all over again, and I struggle to breathe because I remember they’re never coming home.

I’m never going to hear the sound of their voice or their laughter, feel the way they smelled, or the warmth of their hug again. It hits me a little more often since Alex moved out. I’m completely alone for the first time in my life, and my mind has space to wonder.

There are so many moments they would have loved to experience—like seeing Alex be so disgustingly in love with someone who worships the ground he walks on.

“One of the things that haunts me and hurts the most is knowing my father—and my grandfather—won’t be with me when I walk down the aisle. They won’t get the chance to give me away, threaten my future husband to take care of me, or dance with me at my wedding.”

There are so many moments in my life they should be here for, but they’re gone because of someone’s reckless actions.

The muscle in Ethan’s jaw ticks. The fine lines around his gorgeous eyes crease a little as he looks at me, listening intently.

“I’d do anything to have them back, even just for a day. I always try to do something to keep their memory alive, like opening my bakery for my mom, listening to my grandpa’s records on a Sunday, lying under the blanket my grandma knitted me, or wearing my father’s Northwestern sweater that’s hanging on by a thread.” I smile, wiping my cheeks with my fingers. “I like to think they’re with me every single day, as wild as that sounds, and that is what keeps me positive. That they’re rooting for me, wherever they are, and I want to make them proud.”

Ethan presses his mouth to mine so tenderly, like I’m made of glass, and rests his forehead on mine.

“They would be so fucking proud of you, J.”

“Do you think so?”

“Yes.” He nods slowly. “Because to have gone through loss like you have, and still have such a big heart?” He places his palm on my chest over my heart. I’m sure he can feel it beating wildly like a drum. “It takes an immense amount of strength and courage, and whoever gets to receive an iota of your love…I hope they treasure it and know exactly how precious it is.”

Will you treasure it?I want to ask, but the thought gets stuck in the back of my throat.

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