Page 74 of Off Season

“I’m sorry? What was that?” He cups a hand around his ear mockingly. “I don’t think I heard you right because it sounded like you just confessed to having feelings for someone,” he teases.

“I’m in love with Jacob.”

“Jacob?” Peyton wonders for a second. “Alex’s brother, Jacob?”

I nod.

“That’s awesome!” He punches my bicep. “He seems like a great guy from the few times I’ve met him, so I don’t understand why the long face? He doesn’t feel the same or something?”

“I said that we could have a ‘what happens in England, stays in England’ kind of arrangement, so when we landed back in Chicago, he thanked me for everything and then said I’m an incredible friend.”

Peyton looks dumbfounded. “O-kaaay…And you didn’t think to tell him how you felt before you went your separate ways? That you didn’t want it to end?”

I shake my head.

Peyton blinks at me, looking at me like I’ve grown two heads. “Did you at least give him any indication that you have feelings?”

I shake my head again. “No. I was going to, but then I spent the entire flight trying to figure out how to say it. By the time I was ready, he’d already spoken, and it was too late.”

“Fuck’s sake, Ethan,” he groans, rubbing his face with his hands before giving me an exasperated look. “He was probably assuming nothing had changed. That whatever you had really stayed in England. I mean, if you didn’t say anything, he probably presumed he was nothing to you. A one and done. The whole ‘friend’ spiel was probably to protect himself or give you an easy out.”

I reel back like I’ve been struck.

What we had wasn’tnothing. He’s notnothingto me. He’s so far fromnothing.

Our time together—and him—became everything I didn’t know I needed. But I convinced myself that I couldn’tbare my soul to Jacob, just in case it was simply a summer romance to him.

I allowed the one man who understood me to slip away.

He hasn’t gone anywhere.

Fuck. I had a whole week to go talk to him instead of wallowing in self-pity. Hell, I haven’t even checked in to see how he’s doing—if he’s struggling with the jet lag he was so worried about. If things at the bakery are all good.

How was he supposed to know he owns every fiber of me when I didn’t have the balls to tell him?

“I saw Ian at the wedding. Told me he left because I was never home. He said that I was difficult to love and he couldn’t compete with hockey,” I confess to Peyton, as if this somehow excuses me.

“What a fucking prick,” he spits. “Don’t tell me you believed his shit, Ethan. You know better.”

“I have a season left in me—two at most. I started thinking that I wanted another cup before I retired, which would mean putting in a lot of work. Long days, strict routines—you know how it goes.” I suck in a breath, my voice going quiet as I confess, “And I don’t want Jacob to end up resenting me. I don’t want to end up pushing him away.”

Peyton’s fingertips dig into his brow bone as he processes my words. He’s silent for a beat. When he looks up again, his expression is serious.

“I think you should speak to him. Open up. Unlike that fucking asshat Ian, Jacob has a business. He has other interests besides you. He has Alex. A home. Other stuff going on in his life that has nothing to do with you to keep him busy while you’re doing whatever you’re going to put yourselfthrough—which, for what it’s worth, I think is insane. But you need to take this to him. Don’t make the decision for you both.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I grumble, staring out across the lawn to where Blaine mock celebrates with Ryan. “I’ll talk to him.”

“Good. Thank you for talking to me about it, though. I appreciate it.” He stops for a second. “And don’t think I didn’t notice you said youwantedanother cup. Like maybe that’s not all that matters anymore.”

I rub the back of my neck as I think about Jacob and his idea for when I retire. Since that day in the museum, ideas have been flowing on how I could make my foundation great.

When I don’t say anything, he continues, “You know, the guys went crazy when you sent that text saying you missed us.”

My eyebrows lift in surprise. “Really?”

He nods. “Yeah. They’ve always felt a little…unsure, I guess. You’re here, but you’re not very open. Kendrick and I get it ‘cause we’ve known you for so long, but the younger guys?” He looks over his shoulder before looking back to me. “They’re desperate to know you, Ethan, but as a person, not just their captain. If this is going to be your last season, maybe…I don’t know…let them in. Show them a part of your journey that got you where you are today.”

I’m stunned into silence. Jacob mentioned the barrier I’ve inadvertently created between me and them, but I think I didn’t realize the extent of it. Or how they felt about it—or me.

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