Page 67 of Off Season

“I wish I had hugged you more. I wish I had hugged you tighter that day you said goodbye for the last time. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how much I loved you more often. I wish I could go back and tell you that every single day, and Alex—I know he loves you so much. Dad, he’s dating a hockeyplayer—can you believe it?” He lets out a choked laugh and leans back into me.

“He’s so happy and in love. They’ve got a dog; his name is Ernie. Blaine named him after Grandpa. He’s so cute, but he’s got them both wrapped around his little paw. I think they’ll get married, and I think both of you would have loved Blaine. He looks at Alex the same way you looked at Mom, and their love reminds me a lot of yours.”

I hug him a little tighter.

He’s silent for a moment, and his next words tear my heart in two.

“I hope to have that one day. Someone who loves me so much he never wants to be away from me. Someone who can be my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye, but most of all…I hope you’re proud of me. I hope that wherever you are, you’re happy together and that you’ll keep watching over us. Knowing you’re with me keeps me going when getting up and facing the world is too hard. I hope I can keep your memory alive by living my life to the fullest and knowing you’re in my heart every step of the way.”

You’re my favorite hello,I silently tell him.

A larger bird lands, startling the two robins, and the second they fly away, Jacob crumbles in my arms. Harsh sobs rack through him, and my own eyes fill with tears.

I want to be worthy of him.

I believe I can be worthy of him.

I just need to silence the voice of fear in my head and take the leap.

And I hope that Jacob will catch me when I land.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Ethan

I gently caress Jacob’s fingers, curving around his knuckles, and draw a circle on the back of his hand before repeating the pattern. His soft, shallow breaths tickle the hair on my chest.

And possibly for the first time in my life, I’m completely and wholly content.

Lying here in bed with Jacob, with our legs tangled, and his body curled against mine. His head resting on my chest like I’m his own personal pillow.

I didn’t know it was possible to find such peace just by being in someone’s presence. Listening to the sound of his breathing, inhaling the sweet scent of his hair. The soft thud of his heartbeat against my rib cage.

I didn’t know it was possible for someone to feel like home. It’s a strange sensation.

For the last decade, I’ve put my career first. I’ve repeatedly told myself that I didn’t need someone in my life. That I was perfectly fine on my own without risking my stupid damaged heart by getting involved with someone, when in reality, it was just that I hadn’t met Jacob yet.

I suppose sometimes you need to spend time in the rain to really appreciate the sun when it comes out. He made me understand that my emotional scars don’t make me unlovable, just selective over who I allow behind my barrier.

Or, as Jacob likes to call it, my protective shield.

For the first time, I believe I can do it. I believe I can have a loving relationship because it’s Jacob.

He’s stable. Solid. He’s there, whether standing by my side or rooting for me while I tackle my mental demons on my own. He’s supportive in ways I’ve only ever experienced with my mom, and for once, I don’t feel afraid.

I’m out in the water, and he’s the lighthouse, guiding me to safety.

Maybe it was seeing the way he crumbled in the backyard, showing me that whatever strength keeps him upright despite the darkness in his life isn’t always there. But even with the tears streaming down his cheeks, he was still the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on.

When I first met him that gloomy January day, I couldn’t help but notice the sparkle in his eyes was diminished.

But now? Now he’s shining.

Really shining. Sparkling brightly like the Eiffel Tower on a clear night, and it makes my heart soar.

Pressing a kiss to his head, I blink away the wetness from my eyes. My heart feels so full with this man in my life. It makes everything else seem so...superficial.

I don’t need another Stanley Cup ring in my collection to know I’m worthy. I don’t need another championship title to my name to prove that my career has been commendable. I don’t need external validation from anyone.

---