Page 60 of Off Season

He reaches over and cups my face with his warm hand, his thumb brushing away a tear that’s fallen downmy cheek. “You make my life better just by being in it. I don’t think you realize the power your smile has, or your positive energy. You’re so...vibrant. Just being around you brings color to my world. You won’t die alone, I promise you. Any guy would be a lucky motherfucker to call you theirs.”

Even you?I want to ask.

I want to shake him and ask him why he can’t be that lucky guy, if he really means everything he's saying. But I don’t want to push. I don’t want to be like Ian, demanding things of him and ending up pushing him away.

“I try to stay positive because it’s so easy for grief to make things dull. And…what if, on the day I wear my true emotions on my sleeve, my dream man walks in, thinks I’m a miserable grump, and walks away?”

“Even grumpy, you are still the most beautiful person I know.”

Squeezing my eyes closed, I let out a shaky breath and voice my thoughts.

“And you? Why don’t you allow yourself to try?”

“Try what?”

“To love and be loved again. To take a chance. Not everyone is going to be your father, or Ian.”

He grunts. “My life is...complicated. Being with me is complicated because it would turn that person’s life upside down. You heard what Ian said. Yeah, seeing him brought me closure, but there’s still truth in what he said. It’s still going to be tough on whoever I date because of my schedule. I have to stick to a strict regimen, at least until I retire and have more time. I travel a lot, and that adds too much weight to a relationship.”

Turning onto my side, I prop my head on my fist and take in the deep furrow of his brows behind his glasses.

“You know, when I lost my parents, I didn't know how my life would turn out, but I kept strong for Alex. I could’ve easily allowed the grief and heartbreak to consume me, but I didn’t, because I knew my parents wouldn’t have wanted that for me.” I sit up and cross my legs. “The thing about grief is that it isn’t exclusive to the time of loss. You learn to live with it for the rest of your life, but it also teaches you to love with no limitations. And to love loudly, because you don't know if the person who walks out the door is ever coming back.” I sigh, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “And heartbreak is kinda similar. Life is too short to allow people who aren’t worthy of your love to stop you from finding someone who is. Don’t allow the ghosts of your past to define your future.”

Dark chocolate eyes stare back at me. I want to ask him to givemea chance. That I could be the one to love him the way he deserves to be loved, that I wouldn’t give a shit about what he does for a living or his travels as long as he comes back home to me.

But he needs to be in a place to accept that love. And as long as he keeps those walls around him, I’m only going to be wasting my time.

“J—” he begins to protest, but I hold up my hand to stop him.

“Sometimes you just need that one person. Someone who can be your safety net, your sounding board. The one person who won’t give up on you, no matter how hard things get. Someone who can hold you and tell you that they’ve got you through the good and tough times.” I shakemy head, a small smile playing on my lips. “But you and me? We’re two wounded hearts, E. We both know what it’s like to have loved and lost. Don’t brush off the idea of being with someone, because not everyone is Ian.”

I’m not Ian!I want to scream. I’ve bared my soul to him in so many ways. He must feel this between us. This connection. And while I haven’t said the words out loud, he must know how I feel.

I wish he would let me in, but I can see he’s retreating behind those invisible walls.

He stares at me, his mouth slightly agape. I don’t know how much time passes as we silently stare at one another. Maybe I’ve pushed too hard. When he doesn’t say anything, my heart fractures.

Maybe Alex was right. It was foolish of me to think anything would come of this. Maybe it is just a fling to Ethan, and the feelings I thought were there are only one-sided.

Maybe I’ve read him all wrong, but there’s this part of me that is still hopeful.

Damn the Pisces dreamer trait.

Needing to change the subject before my emotions become even more obvious, I turn the tables on him.

“Will you tell me something about you that not many people know?” I ask quietly.

He remains silent. I know he’s considering not answering me because the muscle in his cheek twitches as he clenches his jaw. I’m about to tell him he doesn’t need to when he surprises me.

“I changed my last name to Parkes when I was eleven.”

“Because of your father?”

He nods. “He’d been gone for four years, and I knew he wasn’t coming back. It was around then that hockey started to become more serious. My name was being mentioned as ‘one to watch’, and I didn’t want his name on the back of my jersey. I didn’t want him to have anything to do with something that made me happy, especially if I ever made it to the pros, so for my eleventh birthday, I asked my mom if I could legally take her maiden name.”

“Wow! How did she take it?”

“She cried,” he chuckles, his mood lifting slightly.

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