Page 49 of Off Season

“I was just thinking about that.” I stretch out and put my phone on the coffee table. “I’ve been playing in the NHL for nearly twenty years now, and I haven’t let anyone get close to me. Peyton and Kendrick are probably the closest, but even then, not that much. I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said—that life is precious, so I told them I missed them, and they thought I was joking around.”

He gives a sorrowful smile. “How did that make you feel?”

“It made me feel like shit,” I confess. The ache in my chest returns. “I couldn’t help but think,What if something happens to them and they don’t know I care?I would fucking hate that. I know I’ve gotta change. I don’t want to be this guarded asshole who’s afraid of showing his emotions.”

“I think they know you care. People have different love languages, and love languages aren’t just exclusive to romantic relationships—they filter into platonic relationships, too. Some people will know you care because you do something for them or because you give them your undivided attention, but some need to hear the words. They thrive on words of affirmation, so they need to hear you say it to believe it.”

“That makes sense.” I lick my lips. “What is yours?”

“Mine?” He chuckles. “Physical touch. I’m a sucker for hand-holding, kissing, or a subtle caress. I’m a cuddler, if you hadn’t guessed.” He squeezes my torso with one arm, then rests his chin on my chest, looking back up at me, a sweet smile on his lips. “It’s okay to show them you care. It won't take away their love for you—if anything, it’ll only make it grow stronger.”

“What’s it like? Playing hockey?” Jacob asks.

We’ve just finished eating dinner outside because it’s such a beautiful night. It’s still warm enough to sit in shorts and a t-shirt. The sky is soft pink with orange hues as the sun sets, casting Jacob in the most gorgeous glow.

“It’s incredible, but it can also be pretty tough at times. You experience the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. You’re being paid to play the sport you love, which is awesome, but with that comes a lot of stipulations. It takes a lot of dedication and sacrifice. I didn’t really have a normal childhood growing up. My dad had me skating before I could actually walk, then I started learning how to play hockey at four, and I would skate most mornings before school and then again after school.”

Jacob takes a sip of his wine, eyeing me over the glass. “Will you tell me about your dad?”

I take a few gulps of my beer and sigh. “We didn’t have the best relationship, but I couldn’t see that when I was younger. It was very one-sided. I used to look up to him. I thought he was the best person in the world, but now that I'm older—and wiser, I guess—I can see that he put a lot of pressure on me. His expectations were too high, especially for a kid still learning.”

Jacob frowns. “What did he do?”

“If I had a shit practice or lost a game, he would give me the silent treatment. Wouldn’t speak to me for days. He used to give me this look like he was ashamed of me. Like I was a disappointment.”

“I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry you went through that.”

I shrug. “In a way, I’m glad he’s not in my life anymore. He wasn’t always a nice guy to my mom, either, but I still think about the day he left. I waited for over an hour for him to pick me up. My coach came out and found me sitting on the curb with my bag, so he called my mom, but she couldn’t leave work, so he took me home. He stayed with meuntil she arrived and made me this giant bowl of pasta.” I hold my hands out to mimic the size of it. “It was fucking huge, bigger than my dad ever let me have, but then I saw the pity in his eyes and clammed up. I couldn’t eat it because I hated that look in his eye.”

Jacob doesn’t say anything. He just reaches for my hand and holds it. But I can’t help but notice that he's not giving methatlook.

He doesn’t pity me.

He gets me.

To some of us, the ice is our safe haven, and it became that for me. It was the only time I could switch off my brain and feel like I was good at something. The second my skate touched that ice, the noise in my head stopped. It was silent. Peaceful.

Touching Jacob feels the same way. We’re stepping into dangerous territory doing what we’re doing. And that’s why I can’t let my feelings go any further.

Chapter Sixteen

Jacob

“Soooo?” Alex drawls. “How’s it going? Any exciting developments I should know about?”

I roll my eyes and laugh. “You’re relentless sometimes.”

“Come on. You’ve had this glow on your cheeks every time I’ve spoken to you since the wedding, and I know what that glow means, Jake, because it happens to me every time Blaine fu?—”

“La la la!” I sing, covering my ears with my hands. “Fine, fine! I’ll tell you.”

He grins wickedly, doing a “give it to me” gesture with his hands.

I get up from where I’ve been lying on the bed and close the bedroom door. I took advantage of Ethan’s jacuzzi bathtub while he’s in the gym, secretly wishing he was here enjoying it with me, and I was about to relax with a book when Alex called on FaceTime. He’s currently got his phonepropped up on the counter in the bakery while getting today’s selection started. It’s six in the morning there, so luckily, he’s on his own and we can talk without anyone overhearing.

“Well, I’m not supposed to tell you, so please don’t share it with Blaine, but we’re having a…fling,” I announce, but the word tastes bitter on my tongue. It doesn’t feel right.

I mean, the sex is incredible, and I’m learning things about myself.. Ethan has this…dominant energy about him, and I wouldn’t have expected to enjoy it the way I have.

---