Page 84 of Escalating Alpha

But she’s great. She’s so damn positive after all she’s been through that it’s actually helpful to me. It sounds weird, but she is. She sees so much, but she can still focus on the good after all the bad and her loss. She adores Nina and wears the ring constantly.

For now. She needs a break and we all get it. Only with Topher does she take off the ring and not always. He seems to understand she’s healing and to not push. But he can be a bit bratty with her. It’s adorable especially because she caves and would do anything for him.

The little bugger has that effect on people.

Eva cleared Carter. She sat with him for a full day and listened to everything that happened, using her siren abilities and more. Also, Maya. I’d asked Jonick, but they both felt uncomfortable since he was my lover at times. So Maye stepped up because she adored us both and wanted us all happy.

Honestly, that was why Maya was put on this planet… To help other people be happy. At her core, it was what she wanted in life. Nothing big. Not to be famous or rich—just have more happiness around her.

She was too old to be that pure, and sometimes I saw it made Eva feel jaded.

Yeah, I felt the same.

Always.

And I was way younger than all of them.

But Eva and Maya were on the same page about Carter. It wasn’t his fault. First, there was nothing sexual on his end. Looking back with a clear head, he now understands she was trying to get in his pants, but he just didn’t feel the same.

He just trusted her in a way he never would have normally. She said I wouldn’t mind if he drank from her and it made sense because I was a nice person and wouldn’t want him thirsty. He never thought past that because the forming bond made him trust her. She got put in the same category of his friends who he had reason to trust implicitly.

Eva compared it to our allure as sirens. His mind wasn’t completely his own.

I get it… Well, mostly. I hear them and believe them. Now that I know he didn’t touch her. I think knowing he wanted to gut her and was so upset at her as well helped. It took me a few days to consider it all, but we talked and I forgive him. It’s going to take us time, but he was taken advantage of.

And I’m not someone who blames the victim.

Ever.

So I will support him and help however I can, but given I’m drowning most every day, I don’t know that I’ll be of much use.

It shocked me when he brought up not wanting to be intimate for a while. I wasn’t offering, but… He’s struggling, and it’s clear that he doesn’t trust himself or his emotions at the moment. I agree, but it felt odd that he brought it up first.

Or maybe preemptively so I didn’t feel pressure? That sounds like the Carter I know, but now I’m not sure who he is. Probably unfair, but… I can’t help how I feel.

He says when we do figure it out, there’s something he wants to tell me. Not bad, but when we’re ready.

I can’t imagine it’s anything other than those three little words most women want to hear. For me, it normally means life becomes more complicated and I get hurt in the end, so I’m in no rush.

Seriously, I hope he doesn’t tell me for a while if I’m right on the topic. I can’t deal with one more saying they love me and then leaving or breaking me or the whole list of what normally happens.

Or before they say it like Eugene. He’s so fucking distant from me until he’s in wolf form that it’s like everything that was between us is erased or a memory. I’m sure something is going on there, but I can’t make him talk to me. Or care.

Any of it, and I’m tired of trying.

With the other guys, I’m too jaded and broken on my own shit to be hopeful, but I’m not hopeless anymore. That’s where I’m at. I think Brian and Dain especially understand that they can’t just wait for me to stop being angry or things to blow over.

In their defense—and it’s not much of one even according to their therapists—we’re always being hit by multiple storms, and trying to focus on ourselves seems selfish. There’s always someone to save or crazy ways people are dying that no one has seen before. That’s the focus.

But now, I think they actually get they have to multitask better and stop trying to be the boss. They have to be my partners or get the fuck out. I can’t keep forgiving them for the same crimes.

New ones? Yeah, that’s just life and they’ll do the same for me.

Hopefully.

Phobie says I also need to take accountability for my part in things. My actions told them that I would accept that behavior. Iwould ignore it until I just couldn’t take the upset anymore and try to forget it. That taught them to handle things that way. So I needed to suck it up and do the adulting I didn’t want to if I wanted to have healthier relationships.

Fair. It sucks, but fair.

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