Page 80 of Wild, Wild Cowboy

“Right.” I wasn’t even nervous about it. Public speaking was never a problem for me. Gorgeous cowboys proposing marriage, on the other hand…

“I talked to Chloe,” I blurted out.

He went completely still, then slowly turned to face me. “You did?”

I nodded. “She said you kept your promise.”

“Yeah.” He blew out a breath. “She pointed me in the direction of a few resources. I joined a support group for accident and trauma survivors. I’ve only been to one meeting. I’m not sure it’s for me. So many of them have it much worse than I do, and I feel guilty for being there. But my therapist said it was normal to feel that way and to give it a couple months before I decide.”

“You’re seeing a therapist?”

“Someone Chloe suggested. He’s an hour and a half from here, so I guess it’s good that he thinks I only need six sessions. He had the audacity to say I’m one of his easier cases.” Zack laughed. “I was mightily offended, let me tell you.”

“You’re ridiculous,” I said, but I was laughing, too. Then I stopped laughing and really looked at him. Not ogled.Looked. He had always hid his darker feelings behind a smile or a laugh, but I had the feeling he wasn’t doing that now. “You look good, Zack. How do you feel?”

He thought it over. “I’m okay,” he said at last. “The first session was hard. Fuckingheavy.”

I nodded, remembering how I had felt yesterday after talking to my friends. How I had felt years and years ago after intense therapy sessions. “It gets easier.”

“I feel…” He searched for the word. “Hopeful. Almost. Like I can maybe see a time in the not-so-distant future when Iwillfeel hopeful. I think it has something to do with my therapist being so damn sure I’ll make it out of this, but also it’s Hurricane Red.” He paused. “Ever since the accident, I’ve felt like our fortunes were aligned, you know? Like if things were going to be bad, then they’d be bad for both of us. When we went to rescue him, it was like I was rescuing myself in a way. That probably sounds stupid.”

“No,” I said. “No, it doesn’t sound stupid at all.”

We headed toward the arena, where the events would take place. His pinky brushed mine as we walked and then he pulled back like the touch scalded him. I had to stop myself from reaching for him.

“Sorry.” His voice came out rough around the edges. “I don’t know how holding your hand became such a habit.”

“It’s all right,” I said quickly. “I don’t mind.”

He stopped. “You don’t mind that it’s a habit, or you don’t mind holding my hand?”

I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to so badly it made my chest ache. I couldn’t breathe around it. I twisted my hands together, not answering.

“Hannah.” He tucked an errant lock of hair behind my ear. His eyes swept over my face like he was trying to memorize every feature. “I keep thinking about that moment when everything went sideways and I…Do you think it would have gone differently, if I hadn’t asked you to marry me?”

My brows drew together in confusion. Wasn’t that obvious? “Yes, of course.”

“That’s what I thought, too. I kept running it through my head, and I realized, you didn’t have a particularly good experience with marriage. And maybe the way I sprung it on you out of the blue like that—which, to be fair, duchess, it was out of the blue for me, too—but maybe the shock of it was kind of…triggering for you?”

I bit back a smile. Why did I feel like smiling right now? This was serious. “Maybe a little,” I admitted.

“What do you think would have happened if I hadn’t?”

I wrinkled my nose. Honestly, I hadn’t really considered that. “I don’t know. I suppose we would have had coffee together and then gone to work. Maybe I would have gone to Lodestar after work. We probably would have had sex again.”

“No.” Zack looked at the sky for a moment. His throat bobbed on a swallow. “No, I mean, what do you think would have happened if I had told you I loved you without first scaring the ever-living fuck out of you with an accidental marriage proposal?”

All the air left my lungs in an audiblewhoosh. I tried to speak, but all I managed was an embarrassing, mouse-like squeak.

But he didn’t jump in with more words of his own. He stayed silent, his eyes never leaving mine, patiently waiting for me to get there.

And finally, I did.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Those sex hormones are pretty strong.”

His eyes narrowed. “Don’t you dare say this is just sex again. I swear to god, Hannah, I’ll turn you over my knee right now.”

I stared at him slack jawed. Gracious. Was that supposed to be a threat? Because my body wasn’t reacting to it like a threat. I shifted and pressed my thighs together. “I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say, the hormones might have buffered the fear a little. Not enough to get past an accidental marriage proposal, obviously, but maybe a little thing likeI love youwould have been okay.”

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