Page 76 of The First Play

I hate that we’re not together anymore.

The number of times I grab my phone to text or call her. Maybe tell her a joke or send her a funny reel I saw on Instagram.

But I can’t go doing that now, can I?

I won’t do that asshole thing where I tease her with kindness only to break her heart all over again. It’s better to just leave her alone so we can both get over each other.

I’m just not sure if I’ll ever get over her.

But this is my choice, and I have to bear the pain. I’m doing the right thing. I have to believe that.

I’ve spent my days packing up my stuff, living between the two houses so my parents both feel like they’ve gotten their turn with me. We even went out for a fancy dinner as a family. Monica showed up as a surprise, and we had the best meal we’ve had… maybe ever. There was no fighting or tension. There was laughter and shared memories. And when we turned to the ugly topics of breakups, things stayed surprisingly amicable. Even Monica admitted that she felt Sienna and I were getting too intense.

“I met a guy in my third year at college who I was completely besotted with. I was about ready to give up all my dreams for him. He talked of whisking me off overseas, and we were going to travel the world together. I was days away from dropping out when he broke up with me. I was shattered, of course, but in retrospect… it was absolutely the right thing for me. We would have held each other back, and I never would have become a lawyer and have this kick-ass job that I seriously love if I’d followed after him.”

Mom bobbed her head in agreement while I sat there playing with my food and feeling like I’d been spooning in mouthfuls of desert rocks.

“And long distance doesn’t work either. I know you talked about trying that out for a while, but I dated a guy one summer a few years back. He was from New York, and we had this whirlwind affair. We were totally in love with each other and determined to make it work, but…” She tutted and shook her head. “Three months of long distance and we quickly realized it was going to be too hard to maintain. It’s a serious drag, lil bro.” Her smile was sad as she nudged my shoulder. “I really like Sienna. You guys were great together, and at first, I was rooting for you, but… if you didn’t end it now, long distance was going to kill you guys. I’m really sorry to say this, because I know it hurts… but Zan, you did the right thing.”

Hearing that from the person I respect most in this world had more impact than anything else. We’d kind of already talked about it before I broke things off, so I knew where she stood. But hearing it again at that dinner secured my resolve, and it’s stopped me every time I’ve picked up the phone to reconnect with Sienna.

If I stay in touch, I won’t be able to resist her, and we’ll just get back together again only to repeat all this drama later on down the line.

It feels so wrong to not be with her.

But logically, it’s the right thing to do.

I need to spread my wings, and I can’t do that if she’s holding on to them. And it’s the same for her. I’ll just hold her back. She needs to have her own dreams and figure out what she wants to do with her life. If she stayed with me, she’d rearrange her life to accommodate mine, and I don’t want her missing out on cool senior-year events because she’s waiting for my phone call or whatever.

Both my parents regret not breaking up, and I don’t want to end up like them. I fought for Sienna and me. I fought all fucking year, but… as much as it kills me to say it… their logic has finally won me over.

“I’ll never love anyone but you.”

Her words haunt me, because I feel the same way. I can’t imagine ever feeling for another girl what I feel for Sen. She’s my Sparky… the one who ignited my soul. I love her. I love her so fucking much.

But I’m only eighteen. And I’ve never experienced anyone else. How do I really know what love is like if I’ve never felt heartache?

Is that logic completely fucked, or do I have a point here?

“Shit, I don’t know,” I mumble, snatching the last of my socks out of the drawer and dumping them into my duffel bag.

I’m staying the night at Dad’s place.

I’m leaving for Kelsey U tomorrow morning, and I can’t wait to get there.

I just want to hit the road and get moving.

I need to start this next chapter of my life. Because staying in Everett, knowing Sienna’s only a block away, is killing me.

The ache inside me is immense, and it’s taking all my willpower not to run through the night and see her one more time. It’s raining outside, pelting down, but I can picture myself running through those fat drops to get to her.

But she told me to go.

She screamed at me to leave.

I can’t torture her by turning back up at her door.

I can’t?—

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