Page 19 of Fear of Intimacy

“I’m sorry, that’s too funny. You scarred those poor kids for life.” I could just imagine those children seeing Trevor running around obnoxiously. “They probably never recovered.”

“Gee, thanks.” I sent him a silly smile in return. “Remind me to never tell you an embarrassing story again.”

“Those are the best stories, though.”

With the bonfire behind us, the two of us continued down the beach in the opposite direction. The setting sun warm against our backs. Despite the silence blooming between us, it was…nice.

After a few minutes, Trevor broke it.

“So, you’re a therapist?” It hit me then that while we had known each other for a year, we didn’t truly know one another. We never sat down and asked each other questions about our lives. We just knew the basics from when we hung out as a group. Shame instantly hit me. I should have mademore of an effort to get to know him before now. I'd just been so focused on keeping my walls up to try.

“Guess in a way I am. I’m considered more of a counselor,” I explained. “I can’t prescribe medication, but I give advice and help people cope with their struggles. Like this young girl I’m seeing,” I rambled. “When she first came to me she was so shy, couldn’t even look up at me and had no friends at school. But now she’s going to the mall with some girls from school and putting herself out there. It’s just… It’s amazing to see.”

It was the best part of my job, seeing my patients overcome the challenges that brought them to me. Watching them grow—it was one of the reasons why I kept doing what I did.

“She sounds lucky to have you.”

“It’s all her. I just helped guide her in the right direction.”

“No, take the credit. It’s because of you she’s doing so well.” For some reason, his words made my heart squeeze tightly in my chest. “It sounds like you picked the right career.”

“Yeah, tell that to my parents.” I scoffed.

“They don’t approve?” I could feel his eyes on me, but I kept mine down at my feet as they made imprints in the wet surf.

“That’s an understatement. To them I should have followed in their footsteps and became a lawyer or some big wig to fit in with their friends.”

All through high school, my parents pushed me to get straight A’s, to be at the top of my class so I could go to Harvard like they did. I learned quickly that they only wanted to brag to their friends about having a “golden child.”

I’ll never forget the look on their faces when I told them I wasn’t going to apply to an Ivy League college, and that I didn’t want to follow in their footsteps. The look ofdisappointment on their faces was enough to almost make me take back what I said. Almost.

“You didn’t want to?”

“God, no.” The thought of having to spend my time around people who would use you for their own gain, or had to kiss their ass just to stay in their good graces made me want to throw up. I'd spent enough time around them, thanks to my parents, to know what it was like.

“That atmosphere, the people… It’s not something I enjoy. I've been around it enough to hate it.”

“So, your parents flipped, I take it?”

“To say the least. Now every time we talk there’s always some jab regarding my job. That I ‘gave away a good future and wasted my potential.’” Those were my parents' actual words. That they didn’t raise a daughter to be like me. “But,” I sighed, kicking at the sand, “I love what I do.”

No matter how hard I tried not to let my parent’s opinions affect me, they still did. Knowing they didn’t approve of me and my job hurt more than cared to admit.

“Hey.” A hand on my elbow pulled me to a stop. I glanced up to find Trevor looking at me intently. “If it makes you happy, do it. You don’t need anyone’s approval, not even your parents. If they can’t see that, then fuck them.”

My eyes widened a fraction at his words and the intensity of them.

“You make a difference doing what you do. Don’t discredit that, Tasha.” My heart squeezed tightly in my chest. Josie was the only person who ever told me my job mattered. Hearing it from Trevor, and the conviction in his words, made tears prick the corner of my eyes.

My eyes bounced between his, finding nothing but sincerity in them. Vulnerability consumed me as his unwavering gaze remained on me. I cleared my throat and looked away.

“Thanks.” My words came out soft.

Wanting the attention off me, I started walking again, Trevor following.

“Sounds like you know a thing or two about shitty parents.” I said a moment later. The only sound around us were the waves crashing against the shore. It was like we were in our own little world, and I found myself liking it. Something in the air made me slowly let my walls fall as we walked.

“Yeah,” Trevor answered, his voice turning distant. I had a feeling he wasn’t going to say much more on the subject. Not that I expected him to. This was our first deep conversation, so I didn’t foresee him laying his entire past at my feet.

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