Page 4 of Fear of Intimacy

As the conversation shifted and the girls kept talking, I found myself sitting there silently sipping my wine, replaying the conversation I had with my mother the day before. Her words still echoed in my head, as well as the feelings that stirred up every time I talked to my parents. In only a few words, she managed to make me feel like a child. A child who would do anything for their love, even though I knew I wouldn’t get it. I was a grown woman, and yet here I was, still striving for my parent's approval and affection.

“Hey, you okay?” Josie sat up, nudging me with her knee. “You’ve been a bit quiet.”

“Yeah, I’m good.” I sent her a fake smile, one she clearly saw through. The look she sent me had me nodding. We’d known each other for so long. Just one glance and we knew what was going on in the other’s head. The look in my eye was probably enough for her to know it was my parents.

Every time they called or forced me to attend some event for them, Josie had been by my side. There to cheer me up and make me feel better. Without her, I was pretty sure I would have gone crazy. After all these years, she was more of a sister than a best friend.

With a small sigh, she untangled her legs from her lap and moved to sit next to me, leaning into my side. Josie really was my ride-or-die. The moment I met her freshman year, the two of us bonded like no other. She was the yin to my yang. Where Josie was more relaxed and a rule follower, I was the opposite.

Part of why I liked to push the boundaries sometimes was to get a reaction out of my parents. To see if they paid enough attention to notice the things I did. One of the only times they noticed was when I dyed my hair bright pinkbefore a big event they wanted me to go to. All I got was a look before they walked out the door, leaving me home without another word.

Josie and I evened each other out. I pulled her out of her shell a bit, and she kept me in line. She did a good job curbing my irrational ideas…usually.

Not wanting to focus on my parents anymore, I forced them to the back of my mind. They didn’t deserve to take up space in my head. Not when I was surrounded by people who actually did care about me.

“There is one thing I, for sure, want to do while we’re on vacation,” Mila said a few minutes later. “I looked up a dance club a few blocks away from our hotel that we have to go to.”

“Oh, a dance club.” Lydia perked up.

“We can make it a girl's night or drag the boys, but it looks really fun.”

“I’m in.” Josie grinned next to me before gently nudging my shoulder.

“Me too.” I nodded. “Let me propose a toast.” I sat up and lifted my wine glass. “To an amazing vacation we won’t forget.”

“I second that.” Josie clinked glasses with mine.

“To an awesome vacation.” Mila and Lydia tapped their glasses against ours with the biggest grins in the world.

“And possibly getting dick!” Lydia cheered. Laughing loudly, we all clinked our wine glasses together and cheered.

A couple of hours later,we were still sitting on my couch, drinking wine and laughing about some story Mila wastelling us. We were all a tiny bit tipsy, thanks to the two bottles of alcohol.

“We were in the middle of doing it when Bryton slipped and ended up smashing his forehead into the table. Cut his face and everything.” Mila giggled as she continued her story. “But it didn’t stop him, he just went right back to it.”

“No, he didn’t!” Josie gasped.

“Was still amazing.”

All of us girls cackled at the image.

“I’ll never see Bryton in the same light.” I shook my head.

We were all busy laughing when a knock sounded at the front door. Stumbling past the girl's legs, I headed for it and flung it open. It took me a second to register who was just beyond the threshold.

“Hey,” the deep voice said as I blinked up at the hulking body blocking the hallway.

“What are you doing here?” The words slipped out as I stared at Trevor Hall, star right winger to the Toronto Knights. Beside him was Wyatt, his best friend, who my eyes flicked to for a beat.

“Lovely to see you too.” With a hand on my shoulder, Trevor gently moved me to the side so he could slip inside.

“Hey, Tasha.” Wyatt, who was also Josie’s boyfriend, smiled at me in greeting as he stepped into my apartment. Bryton followed behind him with a nod.

While my apartment wasn’t that small, having three huge hockey players made it feel tiny. Stepping back into the living room, I scrunched my nose at the sight of both Josie and Mila kissing their boyfriends. On the far side of the couch, Lydia threw back the rest of her drink.

“What are you guys doing here?” Josie asked once she stopped sucking face with Wyatt.

“Knew you would be drinking so figured why not come and pick you up,” Wyatt said with a shrug.

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