Page 124 of Fear of Intimacy

I started toward his bedroom, practically dragging it alongside me. He needed to put his stuff away. It wasn’t fair he hadn't been home in a week and had to immediately come to my rescue. These bags need to be emptied.

“Sunshine.”

I ignored him and kept walking. I knew what I was doing. I was deflecting. I was putting all my emotions into something else. Something that didn’t involve myself and my traumas.

“It can wait till tomorrow,” Trevor said, following behind me.

“No, it needs to be done now. You can also start your laundry.” Not caring that it was almost eleven o’clock at night, I kept walking.

If I distracted myself enough, it would be like nothing happened. I could shove it all down and forget it everhappened. Yep, that was what I was going to do. Just pretend it didn’t happen.

I could feel myself starting to breathe heavily. The sides of my vision darkened as I tried to heave Trevor’s bag onto the bed. When it wouldn’t move an inch, I gritted my teeth and tried again. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes as I tried one last time before letting out a yell.

“Stupid fucking bag.” All the emotions I'd been trying to hold back came crashing down. Tears blurred my vision as I kicked Trevor’s bag.

“Tasha.”

Trevor came up behind me as a loud sob escaped my lips.

“Baby.” Trevor’s voice was tender as he gently spun me around to face him, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and tugging me into his chest. I clung to his shirt as I sobbed.

Trevor held me the entire time, softly rubbing my back. He didn’t bother whispering that it would be okay because that was the last thing I wanted to hear right now.

For the first time in a long time, I let myself cry. I'd bottled up so much, never fully letting myself feel it all. Even as a kid, I shoved it all down. Everything my parents said and did. What other kids at school said to me. Even after what happened at the club, I just convinced myself I was okay.

I was far from it. I'd always just been good at hiding it.

“They didn’t care.” My voice came out muffled against his shirt. Saying those words out loud made it feel like my heart was going to crumble. “They just stood there.” I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but I guessed a part of me wanted my parents to say something. To ask if I was okay.

“I know,” Trevor whispered above me.

We stood there for who knew how long before my sobs subsided. I still clung to Trevor, seeking the comfort only he could give.

“I didn’t expect to see him either.” I whispered.

Daniel, being my assaulter, was the last thing I expected. I always thought I wouldn’t be able to put a name to the face, but then there he was wearing a smirk, clearly uncaring of what he did and unknowing of who I was. Of course he’d be the type my parents wanted me to marry. Not caring to know who he was as a person, yet looked down at Trevor.

Trevor, who was ten times the man anyone in that room was. The type of man who beat the shit out of Daniel regardless of what could happen. Who was standing here holding me in the middle of his bedroom while I broke down. He was the man I wanted. The man I always dreamed of having but never believed I could.

“I’m not sorry for beating the shit out of him,” Trevor spoke into my hair.

“Never be sorry.” I lifted my head off his chest, meeting his eyes. “I will never be mad at you for defending me.”

“Should have hit him harder.” His words forced a rough laugh out of me.

“Pretty sure his nose is broken.” A sick part of me found pleasure in that. I hoped Trevor broke his nose and bruised his face so badly it wouldn’t heal for months. While it wouldn’t make up for what he did to me, at least he’d be in pain.

Remembering that Trevor’s knuckles were bleeding, I untangled myself from his hold. Grabbing his arm, I gently led him toward the bathroom to get him cleaned up. Pushing him to sit on the toilet, I went to search for the first aid kit.

The two of us were quiet as I pulled out hydrogen peroxide. My dress swished along the ground and around my ankles, my heels clicking loudly on the bathroom tile. I bet we were a sight to see. Still dressed to the nines, my face streaked with mascara, Trevor’s hands bloody and swollen.

Trevor’s eyes stayed on me as I grabbed one of his hands, getting to work on cleaning up the blood.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he spoke after a moment. I caught my bottom lip between my teeth as I worked. I knew it wasn’t healthy keeping everything in. Hell, I was a therapist and here I was doing the exact thing I told my patients not to.

The only person I'd ever let myself be real around was Josie. She knew all the sides of me, the good and the bad. She was always that one person I could go to with everything. There had never been anyone else.

But here was Trevor, looking up at me with such love and patience. He wouldn’t ever judge me and if I decided not to talk about it, he wouldn’t be mad. I knew I could share everything going on inside me but not tonight. Tonight, I wanted to forget.

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