Page 20 of Accidental Love

“Not enough to make you try and find me. You left me to rot in an orphanage. Because of you I had no one. No one to come home to, no one to tell things, nothing. I was five when you left me, and the entire time I thought it was my fault. I thought I had been bad and that it was my punishment, by being alone. For years I wished you would return to get me. If I had known who much of a coward you are, I wouldn’t have wasted my time.”

“Jenna, don’t be like that.”

“No! You have no right to say my name or tell me how I should feel. You lost that right the moment you dropped me off.” I clenched my jaw, trying to hold back all the anger and hurt I felt. I had so many mixed emotions right now I didn’t really know what to feel other than anger. It was all-consuming.

“Don’t act like you are the only victim here,” she suddenly snapped at me. My eyes widened. “I felt just as bad leaving you, and for years I wanted to find you but I figured that since you had a good family by now, I shouldn’t.”

“That I am not the only victim?” I seethed. “You are not the victim here, Karen. You made the choice and that is your burden alone. Your decision was about me, so I have every right to be the victim.”

“And you are beyond stupid for thinking that a family adopted me. I grew up in a home with five other children. I grew up with no one caring what I did, how I felt, what happened to me. The moment I graduated, I left and had to fend for myself. For the past three years I have worked shitty jobs, lived in a shitty neighborhood and apartment just to make ends meet. I barely made enough to eat some days so yes Mother I am the only victim here.”

“I…I had no idea,” she murmured softly.

“No, you didn’t, because you are selfish. You never once thought of my happiness. You thought that I would be better off without you when in reality I would have been better with you. You were everything I had. You were my fucking idol.” A lone tear decided to make its way down my cheek. “You know, I wanted to be just like you; now I hope I never will be.”

We stood there silently, my words sinking in. I wanted her to feel bad. In fact, I wanted her to feel absolutely terrible. I know that was not right, but I didn’t care. I had no feeling toward her anymore. The idea that I would be happy seeing her after so many years was completely and utterly gone. In its place was hurt, anger, and realization; realization that I didn’t need her, I never did. She did not deserve to have me as a daughter.

“You are wearing the necklace I gave you,” she whispered softly. I reached up and felt the moon-pendant necklace with the stone in the center. I hadn’t even thought about it when I put it on this morning. I use to love it, seeing as it was the only thing my mother ever gave me, but now it was different.

“Jenna, I…there are no words to describe how sorry I am for leaving you as a child. I should have never done that and I wish I could go back. I know saying that I was stupid and young doesn’t mean anything. When I saw your picture in the paper I couldn’t believe it. I’ve have been trying to convince myself to get in contact with you. Being here is not how I wanted this to go, and I know I shouldn’t be happy but I am. I am happy I finally found you, seeing that you are okay,” she said softly.

“You are even prettier then I imagined you would be. Even though you went through some stuff you shouldn’t have had to, I can tell you are very strong. And now you are engaged. I just can’t believe it.”

I just stood there clenching my hands, trying hard not to cry. She was saying all the things I had always longed to hear. She continued saying things, making my heart squeeze. My hard facade was slowly fading, leaving my feelings bare for her to see. Out of every scenario I had thought of, this was not how I thought it would go.

Even with her talking and telling me how sorry she was, how she shouldn’t have done what she did, if she could go back a re-do it she would; I knew I wouldn’t forgive her. Having something like that happen to you changed you drastically. I was not the same person I was three years ago, or even two months ago. I had learned to move on and accept things the way they were.

What my mother did to me was something that couldn’t be undone. She could keep saying she was sorry and whatnot, but it didn’t change anything. It was her choice to do what she did, and it was her own heavy burden to carry. I did not have to keep holding onto what happened as if it were my punishment. I did nothing wrong, and I needed to stop blaming myself. What was done was done, and that was it.

The only way to ever move on was to accept that; to accept the fact that I didn’t have a mother-daughter relationship like others; that I couldn’t just call her up asking a random cooking question. I had everything I needed right now, and my mother was not a part of that. She was not a part of my life anymore; she never really had been.

Maybe in the future I could forgive her and work toward getting along, but right now was not that time. My wounds were still too fresh. They needed time to heal before things could be mended. Just like after a hurricane, things needed to be fixed before they could go back to the way things were. Although our relationship would never be normal or the same if she hadn’t left me, there might be a chance of forgiveness. But that had to be earned. I was not going to blindly start trusting her again, or let her into my life so quickly.

“Jenna, I am so sorry,” Karen said again, bowing her head. I could tell she was trying not to cry as well.

“I…I can’t. Not right now. I can’t just forgive you for what you have done. Maybe in the future, but not right now. I need time.” I bit my quivering bottom lip. “I need to go,” I said quietly.

“I understand. I don’t expect you to forgive me so easily. But just know that I am here now if you need me. I am not leaving any time soon, and I will try to make things right, Jenna, I promise. Here, uh, here is my number. Call me whenever and for whatever.” She handed me a card that had her name and number. I took it, staring down at it.

“Jenna, I hope one day you can forgive me. I know it is hard to do, but I hope. Maybe one day you can meet your half siblings and my husband.”

“Maybe,” I said softly. That wouldn’t happen anytime soon.

“C-can I hug you?”

I wanted to say no, but found myself nodding. Immediately I was enveloped in a hug, her arms wrapping tight around me. She stood a little taller than me, even though I was in heels; hers were just taller. I stood there stiffly, my hands hanging limply by my sides. I couldn’t bring myself to hug her back—not yet, anyways. I scolded myself for letting her hug me.

“I hope you will call me sometime, Jenna,” she said and pulled away. Giving me a sad smile, she looked at me one last time before walking away.

I stood there, frozen. I hadn’t thought that I would run into my mother when I was out at the mall with my friends. She was a woman I had no intention of talking to after the gala. Suddenly, my shield started to crack. I started shaking, trying to catch my breath. I was panting and looking everywhere around me. All the emotions I had held back while talking to my mother were now surfacing, overwhelming me.

Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Gulping, I fumbled for my phone in my bag, leaning against the wall. With nothing else in mind, forgetting that Candy, Sophia, and Sky were here, I hit Liam’s phone number. I needed to talk to him. I needed him to make me feel better. How I became so dependent on him, I didn’t know or care. He was only one who understood my issues with my mother.

“Jenna?” he answered, sounding surprised at me calling.

“L-Liam,” I choked out. I was now crying even harder, my whole body shaking.

“Jenna? Are you okay?” he asked, his voice becoming panicked.

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