Page 57 of Defiant

Though I’d heard this story of our origins many times before, it still brought a tear to my eyes. Gran-Gran’s words were nearly enough to pull me out of my gloom. And, although she had a uniquely Nightshade way of phrasing things, the speech had a positive effect on our allies. The kitsen stood down, accepting this promise. The others seemed comforted and calmed.

Another Spensa crisis averted. Scud, this speech wouldn’t have been needed if I hadn’t made everyone panic about humans acting erratically. The glow of hearing Gran-Gran speak faded, and the weight of my mistakes came crashing back down on me.

Jorgen thanked Gran-Gran, then addressed the table. “We can adapt to the enemy’s new tactics,” he said. “Fortunately, it will take Winzik some time to prepare his forces. I suggest that we meet with our various strategic experts, go over the intel we’vegathered, then reconvene tonight. Twenty hundred local time, to share ideas?”

The others agreed. The meeting began to break apart, and I fled through the doors, ignoring Kimmalyn’s suggestion that we grab breakfast together. I didn’t want to argue again with Jorgen, and I didn’t want to face my friends. I wanted to be alone.

I was more and more certain that was where I belonged.

18

I went straight to bed and slept fitfully, but at least there were no strange nightmares or cytonic visions. Just restless turning around in my bunk, drifting in and out.

I’d been exhausted after that midnight mission, so it was well past midday when I rose. I immediately went for a long PT session. Treadmill, stretching, weights. I’d hoped that the familiar routine, and working my body, would ease my sense of dread and anxiety. But not today. My subconscious mind knew I was trying to distract it, and was having none of that nonsense.

After a shower and food, I dealt with my messages on the wall screen in my rooms and waited for an invitation to that planning meeting Jorgen had mentioned. Always before, I’d just shown up to meetings—Jorgen didn’t always send me a specific invitation, because my attendance was expected. And so, as the time approached, I didn’t know for certain if I had been excluded.

I leaned back in my bunk, scratching Doomslug, who had her own little bed beside mine. She sensed my mood, and didn’t say anything.

Knowing Hesho, he was probably standing guard outside my door. He’d taken to doing that most days; part of his self-imposedduty as the Masked Exile bodyguard. I could have chatted with him, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be alone.

When you’re in that kind of mood, it’s awkward to have friends who can literally pop inside your head.

Hey,M-Bot said.Something is up with the delvers. They’re growing agitated.

“Are you in danger?” I asked.

Probably. But I’ve been in danger the entire time, so who knows? They’ll destroy me if they can, but they’re obviously afraid of you. Maybe even of me, a little. Wish I knew why.

“I know some of it,” I said, lying in my bunk, staring at the ceiling. “After you sacrificed yourself and let me escape into the lightburst, they tried to…I don’t know. Crush me? Overwhelm me? Shred my soul.

“Combining with Chet, though, showed me something. He was in pain, and my life experience allowed him to overcome it. In turn,Ineeded an awareness of the nowhere—and the delvers—which he could provide. So when the delvers touched me, they were subjected to pain.”

That pain,M-Bot said.That’s their weakness. They fled into the lightburst to escape the pain of loss, right?

As the delvers had evolved from an AI to a person, they’d been unable to cope with the death of a man they’d loved. They’d sealed away their memories and found refuge where time had no meaning. Where they would never have to grow, never again have to suffer the pain of losing something—or someone—they loved. Where nothing would ever change.

Except when people from the somewhere passed through. Except when cytonics, or slugs, opened pathways to our dimension—where time, space, andchangewere inevitable parts of life. It hurt them.

“When they tried to destroy me, that required coming in contact with me,” I explained. “That hurt them too much. Because I’m part of the somewhere, I think?”

More than that, I’d guess,M-Bot said.They hid their memoriesaway, but didn’t eliminate them entirely. You knowing their secrets cuts through their layers of protections, and exposes that pain again. When you touched them, you ripped away their masks—so to speak—bringing their memories to the forefront of their awareness again.

Chet leaped at that statement.That is key,he thought.

“So…they could feel my ability to understand what they were. That waspainfulto them…”

You knew what they were hiding,M-Bot said.They couldn’t pretend when you were there. You forced them to remember, and that memory would hurt them too much to bear. They had to pull back.

“So all we need to do now,” I said, “is find a way to expose the delvers fully to their pain. Remove the barrier they’ve put in place to hold back their memories. If we do that…”

It will destroy them,M-Bot said.Because in the nowhere, nothing changes. If you afflict them with that immense pain, then leave, they’ll never escape it. They’ll be trapped forever. Unable to do anything, except perhaps cease to exist.

Chet, inside my soul, felt sorrow at that. What did I feel? Resignation? I had worked so hard to protect the workers at the supply depots, even though they were on the other side. What did I feel about the delvers?

It was, I decided, too complicated to sort out. Without Chet, I’d have had no qualms. But he gave me a different perspective. “That sounds terrible,” I said.

Yes, but it’s a plan, finally,M-Bot said.Some way, at long last, of dealing with them—maybe permanently. Scud, Spensa. It feelsgoodto have a plan.

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