Page 35 of Defiant

I let my soul cytonically reach out to his. Vibrate against him, giving him a warming sense—telling him that Ididunderstand. He was facing the same moment I had, in the cockpit long ago, learning where the real line between cowardice and heroism lay.

As I did, I felt the delver inside me watching all of this. Learning it…and remembering. Yes, this was what it was like to be alive. This was what it was like to connect with someone. This had led to pain, but it was so wonderful.

Wonderful enough to be worth the pain,I told the delver.That is what your kind have forgotten. I forget it sometimes too. That’s why I need Jorgen. To remind me.

That…Chet replied,is what I need to remember.

Jorgen’s soul vibrated back against mine, and the knots in his shoulders finally started to soothe away. Stars. I’d doanythingto help him carry this burden. I’d been so focused on myself, I’d entirely missed what this was doing to Jorgen. I really leaned into the massage, and he sighed. Then he stretched.

“All right, your turn,” he said.

“But—”

“Spensa, I canfeelthe tension in you. You can’t show me your soul and then think you can lie. Besides, I’m well aware how hard these last few months have been for you.”

Damn. Well, I supposed he was right. Best to just go with it. I climbed off the couch, threw off my uniform jacket, and flopped down on the floor in front of him.

“Have at it, then,” I said. “Don’t be gentle.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he said with a chuckle, beginning to massage my back.

After a moment of being annoyed at it, I reached back and undid my bra. He hesitated.

“Is…that a sign?” he asked.

“Jorgen, we blasted right past all the signs. I wasliterallyin your lap a minute ago. But right now, I was promised a back massage—and that’s all I want, if you please.”

He chuckled, though there was an uncomfortable edge to it, and leaned down to continue massaging my back through the thin cloth of my dress shirt. And scud, it feltgood.Up until this point, I’d had an unofficial “nobody touches Spensa without getting punched” policy in my life. I might have been a little…on edge about the subject.

But this was so warm, his hands so inviting. Each time they moved to a new part of my back, my skin tingled, and a new ripple of pleasure moved through my body. Yeah, the no-touching policy definitely needed some revision—a loophole for Jorgen. Best part was, this didn’t feel awkward. Not even embarrassing.

Maybe we don’t need to be just a weapon,Chet thought.I see how important this is. The importance of having something to come home to.

I wanted to agree. I really did. But part of me held back, worried about the things I’d been doing lately.

I don’t want to be a monster, Spensa,Chet thought.None of us wanted to be monsters. We delvers just wanted to hide from the pain. And that made us forget how to love, or show empathy. Don’t make the same mistake.

I didn’t want to confront that, so I lay there and enjoyed the massage until Jorgen’s alarm beeped. I cracked an eye, checking the clock.

“You only scheduled an hour for lunch, didn’t you?” I asked.

“Er, yes,” he admitted.

“And now…?”

“I have half an hour to prepare for the planning meeting, where we’ll go over tomorrow morning’s coordinated attack.”

“Great,” I said. “You can do that. So long as you don’t need your hands. Keep massaging.”

He chuckled. But I knew the delay would start eating him up. So I let him do a few more passes on my back, then I sighed and sat up, reaching up behind inside my shirt to fiddle with the bra and get it fastened.

“Later?” he said to me. “Once all this is done. I’ll read the signsbetter.” He hesitated, then smiled. “I don’t suppose you can write out a manual for me or something?”

I smiled back, settling onto the couch. “I’ll think about it. That can wait. But Jorgen, the way you’re beating yourself upcan’twait. We should talk about it.”

“I don’t know what there is to say,” he said, bringing me my forgotten steak. “I’ve accepted the burden. I’ll do what needs to be done.”

I dug in, finishing the food—I needed the protein, and it would be wrong to waste this. I tried to ignore how like me he sounded when he said that. Scud.

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