Page 23 of Defiant

“You alwayssaythat, but—”

Gotta hide now. Haunt yourself for a while. I’ll let you know when I’m free.

I felt him withdrawing. Leaving me alone.

Chet gave me a sense of warmth though. I appreciated that. Not alone, just lonely.

I started into the hangar, wanting rest, and bade Hesho farewell, suggesting he get something to eat. He flew off, and I probably should have gone to check on Nedd. Sadie and T-Stall were going to do that now, judging by their conversation. But I wasn’t certain I could stomach it; from what Jorgen had said, Nedd was still unconscious, in stable—but seriously injured—condition.

I’d had the power, at any moment, to win that battle all on my own. If I’d done so a few minutes earlier, Nedd wouldn’t have been hurt. Could I ever meet his eyes after that?

I walked quickly toward the exit, intending to go to my rooms and crash, but Kimmalyn fell in beside me.

“You want to talk?” she asked.

“No,” I lied.

She nodded and didn’t push. Why had I said no? I silentlycursed her for being a good friend, and respecting my boundaries, as she split off to go join T-Stall and Sadie.

At the hangar door I ran into Jorgen, who was walking holding a datapad and looking distracted.

“We’ve got it,” he told me. “There arefivemining operations. One more than you heard, but still…Scud. Only five! It’s a weakness, Spin. An unguarded crack in the fortress wall. Wecanexploit this.”

“Just as long as we only attack the supply depots on this side,” I said. “At least one of the mining operations on the other side has friends of mine living in it.”

He nodded in agreement.

“Jorgen,” I said. “About what I did back there…”

He looked at me, then gave me an encouraging smile, setting aside the datapad and taking me by both arms. “You wereamazing,” he said. “I know I was skeptical when you said you needed to stay in the nowhere and learn what you could there, but I’m glad you convinced me. You should see how enthusiastic our allies are about the results of this operation. For the first time, everyone believes we might actually be able todothis. Resist the Superiority andwin.”

“All it took was getting your own personal delver girlfriend…” I said.

He paused, so I gave him a grin, trying to convince him it was a joke. I put a tight clamp on my emotions. I didn’t want him to see how much I hurt.

He hesitated—noting the full flight deck behind me. Then, obviously making a deliberate decision, he leaned down and kissed me.

That felt…wonderful. I knew how awkward it was for him to be dating one of his pilots, as there were protocol issues. But he also knew that I needed him and he needed me. Jorgen choosingmeinstead ofruleswas just about the most important message he could ever send. I felt an elated burst of adrenaline.

And it ran up against a kind of wall inside of me. A wall of worry, of self-loathing.

I started to feel sick. Joy was such anunforgivablething to experience after the killing I’d done today. I wasn’t human any longer—yet here I was, kissing my boyfriend like nothing was wrong?

He pulled back, and damn him, he was too observant for his own good. “I know that you feel different about fighting now,” he said. “I do too. It’s maturity, Spensa, and experience. They’re changing us. It’s all right to feel conflicted. It’s messy…it’s all so very messy.”

I nodded.

“I’m going to do my best to make sure we never get surprised by civilians on a military mission again,” he said. “I won’t send you in unaware again, Spensa. I promise.”

It was a good move, and a perfectly Jorgen one to take. He’d analyze what had gone wrong, would talk with our top military and organizational minds about how to learn from it. How to make certain we didn’t make the same mistake twice. That was why he was in command.

But knowing it wouldn’t likely happen in the future didn’t ease the pain inside me now.

I forced out another smile. “You’re brilliant,” I said, fully honest. “Thank you.”

“We need to plan our next step,” he said. “It should be simple. Winzik is getting acclivity stone from these five locations—all mining stations in the nowhere, attached to supply depots on our side. You say one is mostly shut down already, by the pirates you befriended.

“Fortunately, we don’t have to attack the mining stations themselves, or the civilians there. If we blow up the portals, then Winzik will be robbed of those resources. Using our powers, I’m sure we can find a way to rescue the miners on the other side eventually.”

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