Page 20 of Restoring the Ngozii

His lips pinch together as he nods his head, turning to face forward once again. I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder as I sigh.

“Baby steps, one at a time. She’ll come around, you’ll see.”

He chuckles and lifts his shoulder once, bouncing my head. “We’ll see. I have faith in you, Captain, so I’ll trust you.”

Lifting my head, I raise an eyebrow at him. “Perhaps you could try seeing past your assumptions and really look into her eyes when she talks about her past, see the ghosts swimming there. Maybe then you’ll see that I’m not just spitting bullshit at you.”

He scoffs and turns, a smile lighting his face. “Spitting bullshit?”

“It’s a phrase from Earth. It means I’m not just making stuff up.” I roll my eyes, and he laughs.

“I knew what it meant.” He laughs at my incredulous look and bumps my shoulder. “Thanks for the lesson. Perhaps you’re right, I’ve let my immediate assumptions about people stop me from seeing something deeper. I think I even did it to my teammates without thinking. I feel bad for that now.”

Giving him a gentle smile, I lean close and whisper, “Don’t worry, I’m sure they understand and have let it go. We all do it. The trick is to know that and change the cycle.”

He hmm’s in agreement as we continue to watch the others below us. I turn and catch Tavionna’s mate standing at the entrance to the balcony, a grin on his face. When my eyes meet his, he winks at me and gives a small bow before dipping out, nodding to the guard in the hall before he disappears around the corner. I grin to myself as I turn back to Kosiiba, my chest feeling lighter as something inside tells me I’m on the right path.

Chapter 13

Tavionna

Myfeetmarchmethrough the caves, down one hall and then the next as I head towards the sick. My mind is reeling, unsure of what to think of all of this. Why is Kari being so open and forthcoming with me? Why all the bonding? If she thinks it’s going to get me to relax and let her go, to give up on my venture of vengeance, it’s… it might work, honestly.

She’s breaking down walls I didn’t even know I had, getting into my head and making me see and think things I never even considered. It’s unnerving and refreshing at the same time to have a new perspective on things, to have someone who understands on a deep level what I go through everyday living this life.

My feet stop as the entrance to the sick cave is within sight, but I can’t bring myself to step forward and enter. What can I do? The tonic no longer works, there are guards and family keeping them clean and trying to get them to drink water. I’m useless in there.

Useless. That’s a word I haven’t called myself in a long time. Annoyingly enough, that word has my mother’s voice ringing from it. My body turns, my feet moving as I head towards my sanctuary cave, no longer wanting to be near other people at all. I’m useless anyway, why should I even bother trying to do something I’ll fail at. What good am I?

The sound of trickling water greets me as I enter the cave, the sight of the beautiful, bountiful flowers and the sparkling water should be relieving, but I fall apart instead. I crumple beside the brook, the rock ledge holding my upper body up as my tears flow freely.

“Is this what you wanted, Mother!? To break me so completely that I fail at everything, even the one task you raised me to succeed in!? I have more power than you ever did, yet, I still feel like a disappointment. Is nothing good enough for you!?”

I scream out all my frustrations to the air as I sob, letting my body empty of all the emotions I’ve kept so carefully hidden behind stone walls. Nothing was ever good enough for her, and even if she could see me now, happily mated and thrumming with power, she’d still sneer at me as if I were some disgusting bug on her foot.

“Why couldn’t you love me?” I sob brokenly, my eyes falling shut as I lie along the rock, my tears dripping over my hands to mingle with the brook. “Why couldn’t you be a normal mother? What did I do to deserve your scorn each and every day, no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did? Even when I was successful, it wasn’t good enough.”

My body shakes with my cries, but they’re dwindling as I’m slowly calming. The tears don’t stop flowing, though, as I try to calm myself down.

I’m nothing like my mother, I never wanted to be like her. Despite hating her callous demeanor and love of power, I still tried to please her by succeeding in my school work and magic, I just never succeeded enough for her, it seems. But did I want to? I wanted to do magic, but I wanted to do it for the right reasons, and her reasons made me feel slimy. Wrong. I wanted to learn to be the best I could, not just because I was meant to. A priestess with knowledge of all things is a very dangerous thing, she can’t be fooled. My mother only wanted knowledge of certain things.

Perhaps it is a good thing that I am nothing like her, that I am my own woman. If it’s such a good thing for me to be different, to have more heart, then why does it make me feel so bad?

Strong arms slowly wrap around me and pull me from my huddled position against the rocks. I curl into myself as he holds me close, settling me in his lap on the ground. My tears continue to flow as he shushes me, rubbing my hair and rocking me gently while I let it all out. My mind continues to reel as I cry, sorting through my thoughts in silence.

If Mother was so harsh before I came along, is it truly my fault that she treated me the way she did, or was I merely an innocent who took her wrath because I was all that was left to take it? Perhaps it’s not my shortcomings she was so upset with but her own. Did she mean to use me for her own gains? Was I a puppet to her?

I’m a puppet no more, to no one. I’m my own boss now, and with more power than the priestesses before me, I can do things differently, take care of my people properly, give them a home worth living in, lives worth being proud of. I don’t want us to wither away in these caves with nothing but what we have. Perhaps I could give us more. Perhaps we could have connections with the rest of the universe, make allies and friends, share resources, travel. There’s so much out there that I’ve never seen, why should we, or I for that matter, be limited to this world and its caves?

“It’s all going to be all right, Priestess. We’ll get through this together. You’re not alone.” Shay’s voice murmurs to me gently, his lips rubbing against my scalp as he holds me close.

“I’m sorry, Shay, I just felt so useless, I broke down. I hate this waiting around for something to change. At least when we were planning to go to war, I had a purpose, something useful to do. Now I’m just waiting on someone else to do something. It’s getting to me, I guess.” Something in me holds back from spilling all my thoughts to him, only giving him the barest excuse for my breakdown.

I need to sort through all these thoughts and realizations before I go burdening my mates with more than I can even decipher. They shouldn’t have to go wading through my muddled thoughts to tell me what I think or interpret it for me.But that’s what mates are for. My mind mocks me as I internally roll my eyes. True, but I’m not quite ready to sit down and sort through this mental mess, not just yet.

He chuckles as I sit up, looking into his bright eyes. My hand reaches up and rubs along the stubble on his jaw, loving the way it feels against my soft skin. “Not all battles can be won with action, love. Patience is a virtue for a reason. Sometimes, playing the long game pays off more.”

“Hmm.” I stare at him, my tears stopping as he wipes my cheeks dry, kissing them each gently as Seuke’s voice echoes in my mind.

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