Page 16 of Restoring the Ngozii

Watching my mother over the course of my life, seeing the way she flitted to and fro, making things happen like magic, the way she pushed so hard for things to be perfect, it truly showed me what the world was. Her definition of family was nothing more than blood and power to carry on the name and line. Love was a foreign concept in our home. I was raised to see that the world was full of selfish people, hate, and turmoil. My mother was hard on me, always pushing, never proud. The kids around me called me names, pushed me away, made me an outcast. Even becoming the ruling High Priestess has its challenges. They respect me because they must, not because I’m worth it. They treat me kindly because if they don’t, they risk banishment or death for mistreating their royal. The magic in my blood is the only thing that can save them in some ways, and they know it. I’m still alone and outcast as ever.

Rolling my eyes, I grunt for them to follow me, Seuke and another guard following behind them to make sure I’m safe. I lead them to the balcony cave overlooking this one so we can be in plain sight but still have privacy, making sure they can’t pull anything on me. Not that I think she would. Kari has been as harmless as a fly, nothing more than an annoying pest in my face. If not for her, Father Dearest would have seen my wrath much sooner.

I step out onto the balcony and walk straight across to the wall, leaning on it and overlooking my people below as they continue preparations for the now stalled war we had planned. My stomach rolls within me, and I swallow down the lump in my throat. Could I have truly gone through with it, attacking an innocent village for the sake of revenge on the parent who left me in the care of a monster? I can’t even bring myself to harm those who hurt me growing up, I was always weak, just like my mother said.

The real question is, could I have harmed innocents to give mine a proper home? Even then, I still feel as if the answer is a resounding no. Perhaps Mother was right, I don’t have a strong enough back bone to handle this position. I’ll never be the priestess she was if I can’t do what must be done for my people.

Trust in yourself, child. Believe in yourself, believe in love, and trust those that seek to help you.

The goddesses’ words swirl back through my mind, her voice echoing in my head as if it’s truly as empty as Mother said it was. Trust those that seek to help me? Turning around, I lean on my elbow against the rock railing and eye Kari as she seats herself on the rock chair, her child guard standing close enough to touch her. She eyes the space around her, not a hint of disgust or malice from her. She’s relaxed and comfortable.

Is this the path I’m meant to be on, the one the goddess blessed? To work with my enemy? How can I be sure she won’t cross me, won’t harm my people or kill them in a bid to wipe us out first so we can’t attack? Panic rises within me, and I fight to suppress it, to swallow down my heart as it swells. My lungs struggle to fill completely as I try to breathe slowly through my nose.

Footsteps pull my attention to the entryway as Xenshay steps up, giving Kari an odd look and nod before smiling at me as he sets a tray of fruit and drinks on the table in the center of the space. He then steps across the space to me, pulling me into his arms as our foreheads meet, his voice echoing through my mind in a never before used mental link I didn’t even know we had.

Relax, Priestess. You are not alone. Kay and I are here to guide you, trust us. Do not dwell on what may be and just see where things go, okay? One breath at a time.

I nod as he steps back and turns to leave, the space soon filled with an awkward tension as Kari and I stare at each other. Just seeing her, thinking about her goody goody intentions makes my blood boil. Despite what my mates ask of me, the anger from all I’ve endured in my life does not easily dissipate.

Sitting across from her, I grab a goblet of juice and take a sip. “You should hope that mate of yours comes through in this attempt to heal my sick or the consequences will be quite unfortunate.” I take another sip of my juice, attempting not to cringe at how much like my mother I just sounded.

There’s a scoff from the boy beside Kari, who glares at me with squinted eyes, and Kari simply cocks a brow, crossing one leg over the other. Her gray pants swish quietly as she moves, her brightly colored top shifting. It’s sleeveless, keeping her cool in the warm caves, but I can’t imagine the pants are comfortable, nor those clunky boots. Despite that, she looks at ease, relatively comfortable with her predicament, and I admire that tenacity in her. The boy with her is dressed like a hunter. Simple leather breeches and a sling across his chest for knives. His hair refuses to remain in the tie behind his head, leaving bits to frame his face, making him look all the more dangerous despite his young age.

Kari ignores the boy as I do and pins her gentle gaze on me as she reaches for her own goblet of juice. “You know, my mate is your brother, and where I’m from, it’s quite an insult to speak of your own family like that.” She eyes me with mirth before taking a sip of her drink, and my rage overflows.

I bolt to my feet, stepping forward and leaning over the table to scream in her face. “You think I don’t know all about family!? That blood is meant to be thicker than the water flowing in our caves, yet family will beat you down, disown you, and hurt you worse than anyone else. Family is nothing more than the people who know your weaknesses best and exploit them at every opportunity. He may be my brother by blood, but that means absolutely nothing to me when my own blood has done nothing but hurt me!”

We stare at each other for a long moment, the boy tense and ready to jump between us if need be. Refusing to glance out over the cave to see who’s gawking, I take a few deep breaths and slowly back up to sit down, reining my anger in. My jaw is clenched so tightly I’m afraid my teeth will crack.

Kari eyes me, a hint of a smile pulling at her lips. “I know all about shitty families, trust me.” She pauses, waiting to see if I’ll say anything, but I simply sneer at her, indicating how little I believe that statement. “My own family made it clear from the beginning that I would never be enough. None of my efforts made an impression. Straight A grades, never missed a day of school, highest awards, but they didn’t care. My siblings were dumber than me, less accomplished, but they got all the glory. They never supported me, treated me like I was trash, ignored me and left me to fend for myself more times than I can count. When the time came for me to go off to college and become an adult, I went as far as I could get from them. Not one of them ever noticed, reached out, or cared. Guarantee you if my name comes across the news as missing or dead in space, they won’t even blink.”

She scoffs, shaking her head as she looks at her lap. Her guard looks down at her with a look of pity, but he doesn’t move. “When I got to NASA, Jeff and I worked together often, moving up the ranks together, training together, he became my best friend, the closest thing to family I ever had. Or at least what people say family is meant to be. Then we were kidnapped by the Sautii and brought to Tumbilion Sayaris, where I met Vahru, and my entire life flipped upside down. Next thing I know, I’ve got a mate, my lieutenant does, too, and I’m destined to stay and achieve great things. All of a sudden I have the support of an entire village at my back, a family of friends. I have everything I ever wanted and never thought I deserved. Things are as they should have been all along.”

She smiles at me, leaning forward to place her elbows on her knees as I cross my upper arms over my chest and clench my jaw harder, the muscle ticking under the strain. “And you know, you could have that, too. Criido wants to build a relationship with you, the one he should have had with you all along.” Her brow raises as if in challenge, and my nostrils flare as I inhale.

I don’t know why I feel the compulsion to explain my life’s story to her, to share what I’ve been through, but I can’t stop myself as the words begin to tumble from my lips. Perhaps it's common courtesy, as she shared her story, or it’s a kinship, seeing as she’s been through a similar life, but it’s annoyingly cathartic.

“All I ever had was my mother, who only ever cared about me mastering my schooling and learning my magic to follow in her footsteps. She pushed me daily, harder and harder, avoiding me when I asked too many questions and yelling at me when I failed, which was often. I had no friends, Criido’s blood giving me a defective sort of look, so I was eventually pulled from the schooling and was left under my mother’s care only as my crying and struggling in school was bad for her image. I was entirely alone until Seuke came to me, seeking me out after leaving school and helping me. He’s the only love I’d ever known. No matter how many times I asked my mother about my father, she would simply say he didn’t matter.” I pause as I stare at my feet, unable to fight the wave of sadness that crashes into my chest, leaving me vulnerable. Refusing to meet her eyes, I whisper, “It mattered to me.”

I stand, walking over the balcony as I stare out, blinking back the tears that threaten to fall. One thing I will not be now is weak. Crying in front of the enemy is the ultimate weakness, and I’ve already shown too much by indulging in our sharing of stories. This is a business arrangement, nothing more. She either saves my people, and possibly her own by extension, or she fails and I take what I’m owed by force. I won’t allow for another option.

“You know, things could be different, Tavionna. We could build trust, truly be sisters, and work together. Criido wants to know his daughter.” Kari’s words are soft and sweet, only making my teeth grind together more.

“He left me with a monster who punished me and pushed me daily to become a ruthless leader. I want nothing to do with him!” I whirl around and walk towards the entryway, prepared to leave them and find solace elsewhere. Let the warriors or Xenshay watch over them. I don’t want to endure this bonding bullshit.

But my feet stop of their own will when her tiny voice reaches my ears, my body caught halfway through the entryway, my back illuminated by the crystals as my face is wide-eyed in the darkness of the hall, Seuke staring back at me from several feet away.

“Vionelle never told him about you. If he had known, he would have come for you. He was used, too, just like you were. He went back home after a night of testing new boundaries only to feel used and discarded. He was quickly wed and pushed into the role of Chief with no knowledge of the woman he had little memory of, let alone that he had fathered a child, which he thought impossible. Give him a chance, Tavionna, and give yourself a chance to have more than your mother let you believe you were worthy of.”

My chest constricts as I stare at Seuke, his silver eyes shining in the dimly lit hallway cave. The love and support I feel tunneling through our bond only heightens the pain in my chest, leaving me to pant for breath as my eyes fill with tears.

“My spirit guides showed me the night my mother met Criido, how she drugged him, used him, and produced me. She was cold even before I was born. It was as if having me was a mission for her. I didn’t want to believe it, it was easier to be angry at him for failing me than at her since she was here, even if she was harsh. A lifetime of anger will not dissipate with a few pretty words. Perhaps leniency can be granted if you succeed in saving my people, but should you fail, all bets are off.”

Without a second thought, I storm down the hall and past Seuke, unable to breathe properly, let alone think. My mind and heart are scrambled, unsure of which direction is up, which emotions are right. I’m lost in a sea of swirling emotions with no way out, and as the tears shower down my face, my breaths panting from me, I let my feet blindly carry me through the empty halls before I crumble in a heap in my sanctuary.

How is it that this tiny little woman, this pathetic human who seems so utterly harmless, is able to break through the walls I’ve had built up my entire life. Her words are like spears shooting straight through any tiny crack, hitting the core beneath and breaking it open. She’s forcing me to see things, to understand myself and my life in a way that I never have before, teaching me that things are not at all as I once thought, as I believed.

Is my anger no longer justified? Was it ever? What does this mean for my future? Who am I meant to be now if not the brave and vengeful priestess fighting for her people? Is it possible for me to let go of all this hatred and pain and find a new life filled with love and support from true family?

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