Page 29 of Deliver Me

“I think so,” he told her. “I don’t think we’ve used that word before, but I would be if I could.”

“And, if you were out here with me, would you want to have sex with me?”

“Of course.” His voice relaxed a little, like he had decided that she was asking for him to reaffirm his feelings for her. “I’d give anything to even be able to kiss you.”

“Gabriel?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you know what phone sex is?”

There was a loud crash on the other end of the line, and she realized with a startled giggle that he had dropped the phone.

“Mia? Are you still there?” He sounded panicked and she couldn’t quite stifle another laugh.

“I’m still here,” she assured him. “What happened?”

“Nothing. I just … I know what that is.”

“Oh, okay,” she said. There was no way to find out except to ask. “I know you probably don’t have that kind of privacy and there’s always a chance someone could be listening since the calls are monitored but …”

“Wait, are you asking if there’s some way that we could share some kind of sexual relationship?”

“Yes, exactly.” She could feel the heat of her blush from her chest to her hairline, but she wasn’t backing down now. “You said you wanted me, and I want you, too.”

“I do but … What if I never get out of here? I don’t want to hurt you or get your hopes up that we can be more than what we are now.”

“I know.” She’d thought about that, too, and how much more it would hurt them both if that happened. Eventually they would have to end things, wouldn’t they? She’d have to move on, have a life and a family but … “I know it’s selfish of me and we might regret it someday, but I want what I can have now.”

“It’s not selfish, I just … Damn it.” She imagined him looking around before his voice dropped low, clearly trying not to be overheard as he whispered. “Have you ever touched yourself, sweetheart?”

She whimpered, pressing her thighs together as that honeyed voice flowed over her. “No, I haven’t,” she admitted. “I was ashamed because it’s supposed to be a sin, but I don’t think I’d be ashamed of it with you. I’m trying out a rebellious streak, you know?”

“I’ve noticed, and it makes me so proud of you when you stand up for what you want.”

She swallowed and heat bloomed in her stomach. Why did that always happen when he talked to her like this? When he was proud of her and happy because of something she’d done?

“I want you,” she said quietly. “I want to do this with you, if you’ll tell me how.”

“Can you try touching yourself tonight? For me? Think of me when you do, and then write me a letter to tell me if you liked it. Would you like to do that?”

“Yes, I think I’d like to try that. Would it make you happy if I did?”

“Everything you do makes me happy, but this? That would be incredible, baby.”

Mia felt like her bones had gone liquid. “I like it when you call me that. Can you do it more often?”

“Baby, I’ll call you any name you like.”

It was harder than she thought it would be. Without his voice in her ear to encourage her, her mind drifted to the other voices she had heard in her life. Sex outside of the marriage bed, where even touching oneself was frowned upon. It was a sin, an offense against God and her future husband. But if she had a future husband, she realized, it wouldn’t be Gabriel and not offending some man she hadn’t even met yet was suddenly less important than having whatever she could with him right now.

She’d never noticed how quiet her room was at night, or how clearly sounds traveled when you were trying to be sneaky. Her heart was beating so loud that she was afraid her father would hear it and come to investigate, to find out what was wrong with her. When he didn’t appear, she tried to focus on her conversation with Gabriel, on his hastily whispered instructions on what she should do with her hands.

The idea of doing that with her fingers was intimidating, but he’d promised her that if she thought of something that excited her, her body would be ready and it would be pleasurable. She tried to remember the exact sound of his voice when he told herwhat to do, how it had gotten deep and husky with desire for her, and when she found the places he’d described for her, the slick wetness he’d told her about was there.

It was strange, learning about her own body and experiencing sensations she’d never felt before, but she moved her hand experimentally, rubbing where it felt good and exploring the walls of that hidden place with her fingers like Gabriel had encouraged her to do.

There was a pang of sadness that he wasn’t here to see how much she liked it. He would’ve wanted to touch her here, maybe even join their bodies together in the way she’d read about in health class. It had seemed cold and frightening then, but now she thought it would have been so nice to let him know what it felt like to have someone else touch her the way she was touching herself.

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