Page 25 of Deliver Me

The image of Gabriel in her mind had shifted from a lost and lonely boy to an attractive man. She was afraid that their relationship had shifted, too. It had begun as a friendship, but now there was a connection between them, a hot and bright line that held more than friendly affection.

She had stared at her picture of him until she’d memorized every detail of his face. She knew the exact location of every freckle and the precise shade of his eyes, could have drawn the slope of his lips in her sleep. If he’d been able to, she would’ve wanted him to press those lips to hers, so she could discover the warmth and the taste of him.

They had never even seen each other in person, and it surprised her that her thoughts had become so impure, but Gabriel knew her deeply, all of her faults and her flaws, and she trusted him despite his circumstances. The way he treated her was a stark contrast to James’ superficial interest, a distinction that she was finally able to recognize and appreciate for what it was. James cared about her impact on his image and Gabriel cared about her as a person.

It was easy to fantasize that his interest would carry him to wanting to know her more intimately, that his kisses would not be polite requirements but demonstrations of passion. Kissing James had been tedious, but kissing Gabriel …

Would he really want that? Could he feel that way about her? And was it fair to either of them, considering his circumstances, for her to ask? She wanted to hope that she could convince him to ask for a new trial, but even if they gave him one, there were no guarantees that the jury would give him a different sentence. She might not have happily-ever-after hopes, the kind that would take some kind of miracle to achieve, but maybe it wasbetter to grab onto what little they could get right now. It might be better than nothing at all.

She reached into her bedside drawer for a pen and paper, but let it drop when her phone rang. Her brief hope that it might be him died away when she saw another familiar name on the screen. She silenced the call with a swipe of her thumb and turned her back on the caller. There was no way that she could stay mad at Lilly forever for telling James about Gabriel, but she couldn’t devote the mental and emotional energy to deal with her friend right now.

The bed creaked under her as she flopped down on her stomach, pen and paper in hand. She had been trying to write this letter using her head, and that would never work because what she felt for him wasn’t rational. He had told her once to follow her heart, and there was nothing left for her to do.

“Are you going to open it?”

“Yeah.”

“Sometime today?”

Gabriel looked at Alex, sitting on the side of his own bunk, watching. He’d been sitting here staring at the envelope for at least five minutes, so the question wasn’t entirely unreasonable. “Probably … Maybe.” He winced, rolling his shoulder in an uncertain shrug. “I don’t know.”

Alex shook his head and leaned back against his own pillow. “It’s going to say the same thing no matter when you open it. You might as well stop being a coward and get it over with.”

“Yeah. Maybe I just won’t open it.” Gabriel tapped the envelope against his thigh. He knew he’d crossed a line during their last call. She’d brought it up, and he didn’t know why, buthe’d fucked it up worse by saying something that might have made her uncomfortable and ruined their friendship.

“That’s really fucking stupid, you know that right? What if she actually has feelings for you? Isn’t that kind of what you two were hinting at the last time you talked to her?”

“I don’t know, but that would be the worst fucking thing for her. Because then what? We can’t be together. I can’t marry her or give her a family. She’d be wasting her fucking life. If I was a decent man, I would throw that letter in the trash, and never write to her again.”

“Good thing you aren’t a decent man. You’re a murderer and a prisoner,for onceuse it to your advantage and open the damn letter.”

Gabriel’s fingers shook as he tore the envelope and swallowed hard against the urge to run away from facing what she had to say, convinced that it would kill him, no matter what it was.

Gabriel,

I’ve started this letter over more times in the last two days than I can count and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever written.

Dread settled in the pit of his stomach like a stone, and he was suddenly numb and cold. She regretted what she’d said and was going to do the right thing and free herself from him before he could ruin her life. He understood but the loss of one more thing that he cared about might be more than he could bear.

I know what I said to you on the phone wasn’t fair.

You’ve never acted like you wanted to be anything more than my friend, and I put you in an uncomfortable position. I realize now that you might have worried it would jeopardize our friendship if you told me that you don’t think of me as anything more than that. That was not my intention, and it was especially unkind of me, because you have come to dependon me to be your only connection to the outside world, and I don’t want you to be concerned that I would take that from you.

He couldn’t believe her, how caring she was and how sensitive to his feelings. She thought he might feel taken advantage of and she was worried about him. Was she afraid that he didn’t want her, but he’d feel obligated to pretend otherwise? He wanted to pick her up and hold her, to kiss her until she knew that nothing, she wanted could ever feel like an obligation to him. Not with the way he felt about her.

Our friendship has become one of the most important things in my life. That will be true no matter what you have to say to me after reading this letter. I mean that, and I hope that we can be honest with each other about our feelings, even if you don’t feel the same way that I do, because I need to be honest with you about something.

I lied to you.

When I told you that I wasn’t sure about my relationship with James, I said it was because I had never been turned on by anyone before but that isn’t true.

I’ve been turned on by you.

Alex chuckled at the choked sound he made, and Gabriel glared at him before turning his attention back to the page.

I feel something when I hear your voice, when I see your face in the picture that you sent me, when I read the words that you’ve written to me over all these weeks. Friendship, yes, but it’s more than that. It’s a heat beneath my skin, a fluttering in my stomach, an ache in my body that I’ve never felt for anyone else, and I needed you to know.

He reread her words again, sure that he must have misunderstood, but their meaning didn’t change, and he glanced at Alex, suddenly uncomfortable that he was so close and watching with such interest. Sharing such a small space was hard enough when it had been his own vulnerable emotions ondisplay, but it was worse somehow when Mia was talking to him about this. She was inexperienced and must have felt so exposed to speak to him so openly. Alex’s presence felt like a violation of her privacy, even if he couldn’t see her words.

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