Page 20 of Deliver Me

His stomach twisted, and he swallowed down the bile that crawled up his throat as he forced himself to read, to try and make sense of what she was saying.

Gabriel,

I’m sorry, so sorry, that I haven’t written. I read your letters, and I know you’ve been worried about me, but I didn’t know how to explain.

Something happened, something bad, at the party that night.

People were drinking when we got there and Lilly wanted to go home but I wanted to stay, just for a little while, because I’d never been to a party before. I should have listened but we weren’t drinking, I never drink, and I thought everything would be fine, you know?

He squinted trying to make out the next few lines, tears had fallen heavily there, and it was hard to read what she had written.

I lost Lilly and Bryce in the crowd and there were some guys I had never met before. I was trying to get through, to find my friends, but they wouldn’t let me. They said, well it doesn’t matter exactly what they said …

He knew exactly the kind of bullshit they’d said and if he wasn’t already in prison, he would have landed himself in one for using his fists to teach every single one of them how to watch their fucking mouths around her.

… but it was awful. They were pulling on my clothes and laughing. I told them to stop, but they didn’t listen, and I just wanted to leave. I wanted to find Lilly and Bryce and go home,but they wouldn’t let me. They were blocking my way out of the room, and I was so scared of what they might do to me.

They needed more than their mouths fixed and his blood bubbled with rage. He looked around, momentarily blind to his surroundings, chest heaving with fury and the need todosomething. It took a moment for him to realize how trapped he was, how helpless. He was no good to her in here, couldn’t even protect her when shit like this happened.

He pushed a hand into his hair, chest rumbling with impotent anger as he read the rest, his fury rising with each word.

I hit one of them, it probably didn’t even hurt him, but they weren’t expecting it and I ran out of the room while they were distracted.

I couldn’t talk to my friends about it because I was embarrassed and they’d know it was my fault for not wanting to leave, and I didn’t want to tell my dad because he’d probably never let me leave the house again. I tried but I couldn’t keep it bottled up inside and I ended up telling James.

I know I haven’t told you about James and I’m sorry about that, but I’ve been on a few dates with him. He’s our youth pastor and I’m the pastor’s daughter and it all seemed so perfect on the surface. Everyone thought we’d be the perfect couple and I wanted to think that, too.

He asked me what I wore to the party and then said that maybe it had been a bad idea for me to go wearing that dress and maybe I should have worn a sweater over it or picked a longer skirt. He said that maybe I needed to try harder not to cause someone else to stumble. He agreed not to tell my dad because he didn’t want anyone to know and be ashamed of what I’d caused.

He wants to be a pastor someday like my dad and I don’t know how I can help him run a church if I’m leading othersinto sin and it causes them to do such horrible things. I mean, he might not have wanted to marry me anyway because of law school, but I hadn’t even had a chance to talk to him about that.

I’m so mad at everyone right now, but especially myself and at first, I thought that Ishould never talk to anyone else about it because I couldn’t handle anyone else looking at me the way that James did. It was so lonely, and I was having such frightening nightmares, but then I realized that of all the people in my life, you were the one person that I could say anything to, and you’d never judge me.

I don’t know what I need you to do, but please don’t let me be alone in this. Please tell me it’s going to be okay.

Mia

Gabriel buried his face in his hands, rage coiled uselessly in every muscle of his body. He wanted to hurt someone, to rip and tear at them and make them bleed for what they’d done to her. She’d been so innocent, so full of light, and now the world had put its disgusting fingerprints on her, and she blamed herself.

Alex walked into the cell, his brows lifting as he saw the paper in Gabriel’s hands. “You finally get a letter? I thought for sure she’d finally gotten smart …” He trailed off at the snarl of rage on Gabriel’s face. “What the hell? What happened? Did she get married and break up with you?”

Gabriel’s teeth were clenched, his fist tightening over and over again reflexively.

“That son of a bitch made her feel like it was her fault.”

Chapter Ten

She carried his letter in her purse, so it was always with her and when the guilt and shame started to creep in, she pulled it out to read again. The paper was soft now, and the words faded, but it didn’t matter. She’d already memorized the exact phrases that had been most comforting and where she could find them on the page.

Are you alright?

He’d asked about her first, how she was doing, how she was feeling. It made her feel warm and safe, knowing she mattered to him more than any rule she might have broken. He didn’t care if her judgment had lapsed or mistakes had been made, he only cared about her.

This was not your fault.

He’d told her that so clearly, so emphatically, that the sick feeling in her chest had begun to abate for the first time since the party. He knew what had happened, the real ugly truth of it and not the glossed over version that she’d told James, and he didn’t blame her.

I can’t believe that asshole actually tried to blame you. I’d like to knock his teeth down his throat and blame him for notwearing a helmet. I need you to know that what he said was bullshit.

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