Page 60 of Just a Bit Guarded

Gadiel’s eyes started burning.

“Why did you even follow me?” he whispered harshly. “Why couldn’t you let me be? If you don’t want me, why can’t you let me find someone who actually does?”

Was that a hint of discomfort in Will’s eyes?

“It’s my job to protect you. You don’t know this city. You don’t know how to handle yourself. You’re too young and sheltered.”

Gadiel rolled his eyes. “Stop infantilizing me. I’m an adult. And you aren’t my father to guard my non-existent virtue—”

“I’m your bodyguard. It’s my job to keep you safe.”

Gadiel stared at him. “I don’t think being a bodyguard means what you think it means,” he said, throwing Will’s own words back at him. “It’s not your job to guard me from other men’s cocks.”

Will’s face was blank, his shoulders tight with tension.

Frowning, Gadiel let his gaze travel down, to Will’s clenched fist.

His stomach did a little swoop, his heart starting to pound. Will definitely wasn’t anywhere near as calm as he pretended to be. Which meant...

“Why are you so angry?” Gadiel said, taking a step closer. “Why does it bother you so much? Me with other men? It bothers you, I can tell.”

“It doesn’t,” Will said evenly.

Gadiel studied him carefully. Over the past weeks, he’d come to know Will so well he could tell the difference between true calm and feigned calm.

“Liar,” he said softly. He saw Will’s entire body become tense. So he was right. “Admit it: you hate the thought of me having sex with someone—with someone else. That’s why you fucked me tonight—because you couldn’t let someone else haveme. You think you ought to be the only one who gets to stick your cock in me. You’re mybodyguard. My body is yours, right?”

Will’s Adam’s apple bobbed. “You’re delusional.”

Was he? Maybe he was.

Suddenly, Gadiel felt so very tired. Tired of being the one pushing and begging for scraps of Will’s affection while Will kept saying no.

“All right,” he said, his voice toneless. “I’m delusional. Go, then. You’re fired.”

Will stiffened. “You can’t fire me for calling you delusional.”

Gadiel let out a harsh laugh. “I’m firing you for being a cocktease. All these weeks, you’ve been touching me constantly, being all affectionate and shit, knowing perfectly well what it did to me, and you had no intention of following through. Was it amusing to you? Making the stupid gay kid horny and besotted with you?”

Will’s expression became pinched. “Gadiel—”

“You know what? I don’t want to hear that. I know what you’ll say: I’m young and horny and whatever I feel isn’t real. And you might be right. But it feels pretty damn real right now. And your attitude just makes it worse, because you act like you care but keep denying that you want me. It’s fine if you don’t want me, but—” Gadiel had to clear his throat when his voice cracked. “But you should act like it. You can’t keep calling me love and keep touching me, and allowing me to touch you, and then fuck me anonymously—and then do a one-eighty and say that I’m delusional and you don’t want me! It’s cruel.”

Will’s face was very still. His throat moved. “I never wanted to hurt you,” he said, his voice rough. “Or play with your feelings. I’ve always tried to be honest with you.”

“I know,” Gadiel said. And that was part of the problem. He wouldn’t have it so badly if Will hadn’t been so caring. “I don’t seriously think you’ve been leading me on on purpose. The issue is, you’re far too indulgent with me when you shouldn’t be, you do things you shouldn’t do if you don’t return my…” He swallowed, cutting himself off. “And then you remember that you’re straight, that you’re an adult and I’m a kid”—he spat the word out—“and get all condescending and dismissive, as if I can’t have real feelings just because I’m young. I can. It—it hurts, Will.” His voice cracked, and to his mortification, his vision started blurring.

Will stepped forward and wiped his cheeks gently. “Please don’t—don’t cry, baby.” He looked pained. “I hate seeing you upset because of me. Tell me what to do to make it better, and I’ll do it.”

Gadiel’s heart swelled with raw emotion. He’d never wanted to tuck his head under a man’s chin and melt into him until he dissolved into the other man’s skin, merged forever.

“You’re doing it again,” he whispered. “Being all over my personal space. Touching me. Talking to me in that voice. Calling me endearments. Don’t you see how it hurts me?”How am I supposed not to fall for you?

Will dropped his hands as though burned and swore under his breath. He sighed, raking his hand through his hair again. “Love—” He cut himself off. “Fuck.”

In a way, it was funny. Almost.

But the ache in Gadiel’s chest was making it hard to find humor in this situation. It was like a gaping chasm, growing with every moment. It didn’t feel unfamiliar. In a way, this was an old hurt: longing for someone who didn’t return his feelings. He’d gone through this with his parents.

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